Have I come this far in vain? (acrostic sonnet)

Some day on heaven's shore, I'll hold the key
That will unlock the meaning of it all.
Until that day, I'll try my best to be
Content to read the writing on the wall.
Keep thinking I should have a clue by now ...

How can so many years have passed me by?
Each time I go back home I feel somehow
Revisiting my youth will tell me why
Each path I walked was diff'rent, yet the same.

Am I condemned this hist'ry to repeat?
God, help me, have I come this far in vain?
Am I forever doomed to face defeat?
I cannot see beyond this awful mess,
No matter how I try, I do confess.

A Piece of Work (Acrostic Sonnet)

You bait and switch and try to make believe
Our past is somehow still controlling me.
Until it's clear what you did made me leave, 

All of your childish games fool nobody. 
Run off to court, tell all the lies you want.
Each time you speak, it's clearer you're insane.  

Are you so sick you BUY the crap you flaunt? 

Perchance the tons of beer have fried your brain.
I will not stop protecting my kids now.
Each time you hurt them, you are hurting me.
Consider yourself lucky that somehow
Eternal Father still has yet to see. 

Or has He seen and chosen not to act?
For if that's true, than justice is a myth.  

What you have done will haunt you, that's a fact.
One day your sins are something He'll deal with.
Remember I am stronger than you think.
Keep lying to the world; go have a drink.

Keep Your Excuses (Acrostic Sonnet)

You said that I provoked all that you did,
Or blamed your drinking, called it a "disease."
Under your spell, I did what I was bid;

A stupid slave, I served you on my knees.
Recalling how you hurt me makes me ill.
Each mem'ry makes me want to vomit more.

Just thinking of it makes me shudder still,
Unleashes something I'm not ready for.
Some days I think I've fin'lly broken free,
Then once again your face or voice breaks through.

Subjected to your torment endlessly,
It may take years to heal from "loving" you.
Coercion is the same as brutal force.
Keep your excuses; I'll take my divorce.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (Acrostic Sonnet)

Let's just pretend you never heard it said.
Except for knowing, talk won't change a thing;
There is no point in digging up the dead,
So just ignore the feelings it might bring.
Let's just imagine I don't care at all.
Expect life to go on just as it should.
Energy's wasted tearing down that wall,
Perhaps if I were stronger, then I could
Investigate the agony I feel,
No doubt I'd understand a little more.
God knows the guilt and sorrow are still real,
Despite how deep I've buried them before.
On top of all I'm dealing with right now,
Great pain may simply push me to the edge.
So maybe it is best if I somehow
Leave it alone, and climb down from this ledge.
It's not that I'm avoiding this -- not true ...
Except the fear of what pain's made me do.

Think Again (Acrostic Sonnet)

How can you say that you can understand
And how could you believe you know my pain?
Voice lacking thought, your words like vomit ran,
Entered my shell, I really can't explain.

You seem to think that somehow you know me,
Or feel the things I've felt, or that you know.
Until you've lived my life, you cannot see

What things are hidden that I never show.
Are you so blinded by your own belief,
Left bitter by the wounds within your heart,
Kept fettered by your own remorse and grief,
Each thing I say, you twist and tear apart?
Do you realize the way the things you say

Insult me so and minimize my pain?
Next time you try to wish my past away

Make sure you stop and think, then think again.
You cannot really know what I've been through,

So don't pretend you're just the same as me.
How can you think that I'd confide in you,
Or trust you when yourself is all you see?
Each time you judge me, if you really care,
Step back and ask yourself, "Have I been there?"

Reminded (Acrostic Sonnet)

Some days fly by without a single thought,
Obscured by daily tasks that I must do.

How is it there are days that I cannot
Expect to find a passage safely through?
Reminded by the simplest little things,
Each time I pray that this will be the last.

I brace myself for what each mem'ry brings;

God help me, I can't breathe until it's passed.
Oft times the things that he has said and done

As foreign movies play before my eyes.
Gripped by the fear, I want to turn and run
Away from each unorthodox surprise.
I never wanted to endure it then.
Now I must somehow live through it again.

I Wish I Knew (Acrostic Sonnet)

Why did my tears escape the concrete dam?
How could I just relax and let them fall?
Am I so out of touch with who I am
That I don't know the things I feel at all?
Do I believe I'll never see the end
Of all this pain that's turned my heart to stone?
If I could have one wish, I'd like a friend,
Lest I forever live my life alone.
Of course, this wasn't how my life was planned.
No matter what I fear, I know I must
Go forth and grasp tomorrow by the hand,
Forget the past, and somehow learn to trust.
Of all the things I wish that I could feel,
Right now I wish I knew that love was real.

Just a Ghost (Acrostic Sonnet)

When first he came and took his rightful prize,
He had to find me first and pin me down,
Yet somehow I just froze and closed my eyes.
Despite the pain, I lay without a sound.
I think I tried to hide a time or two;
Deterring him just never seemed to work.
No matter what I did or didn't do,
The time would come, and he'd just go berserk.
I don't know when or why I chose defeat,
For years it seemed the only thing to do.
I'd wave a flag of white and just retreat.
"God help me," I would pray; it's all I knew.
How many times did he take all of me,
Til I was not a woman, just a ghost,
Believing 'twas my lot to simply be
A piece of meat? I think that hurt the most.
Consid'ring how he left my soul for dead,
Keep asking what I should have done instead.

Little Me (Acrostic Sonnet)

Today I wandered way down in my soul.
How strange it felt to look at that again,
Allow no one to know, that was my goal,
To stash it deep inside til who knows when.
I somehow lost my childish innocence
Somewhere along the way, I don't know how.
Left on my own to try to make some sense,
I thought no one would understand me now.
The questions went unanswered that I had,
There was no one to rescue me from that.
Life taught me I was dirty, I was bad.
Each time I tried to rise, fate knocked me flat.
Maybe someday I'll dance with little me,
Earn her respect, and help her to be free.

My Private Hell (Acrostic Sonnet)

Can water flowing to the sea be still?
Are birds in flight allowed to take a rest?
Neither shall I of torment have my fill
Til every woe of mine with blood is blessed.
So many years with crimson I've shut out
The demons all around that had no name.
Obeying rules I didn't know about,
Put under some odd spell, I drowned in shame.
More comforting than Mother's loving kiss,
Yet somehow still as poison to my soul.
Surrender to the call, while knowing this,
Each healing wound is far beyond control.
Let no one enter in my private Hell,
For I have hidden all the scars too well.