Nobody Really Cares

Oh sure, they may pretend to care for awhile, so long as they find me or my pathetic life interesting ... so long as I can fulfill some NEED for them (a ride to the store, free babysitting, free groceries, help fixing their car, help writing their resume, etc).

There are even some people who may start out caring, but then it just gets to be too much like work. They listen (or at least pretend to listen) for awhile. They're happy to tell me how they "know just how I feel" because they got in an argument once with their spouse. Or they say I'm so "inspirational" because I have such extraordinary FAITH in God. Here's the thing -- I don't think I have a bigger/better faith in God than anybody else does. I just trust Him for EVERYTHING because He's the only one I have. He's ALWAYS there & never LEAVES ME ALONE.

So often well-meaning people say they'll pray for us. That's all well & good -- and I'm not saying prayer doesn't help ... but I need MORE than prayer. I need somebody BE HERE WITH ME through this, to HOLD me, to COMFORT me. I need somebody to wipe away the tears streaming down my face ... to tell me that someday my kids will eventually be okay ... to help me find me a JOB that pays enough so that we won't be HOMELESS in 6 months ... to invite me over to their house for no reason other than that they WANT to spend time with me doing something fun ... to call me up on the phone "just to chat" ... to send me silly pictures & text messages out of the blue ... to make me feel like I MATTER as a person ...

Sometimes I feel like I could just as well have stayed and let him rape me and scream at me and whip me and throw things at me and laugh at me. At least he NOTICED me! At least I knew was good for SOMETHING! Right now, all I know is that I'm a good Mom & I've done everything I can for my kids. I will keep doing the best that I can ... but I'm not holding my breath that we'll get any "breaks" ... God has already blessed us in so many ways ... And I know He will continue to provide ... but when it comes to people? When push comes to shove, nobody really cares about anybody but themselves. Everyone has his or her own set of problems & difficulties. And sadly, we're often too busy "surviving" to worry about anybody else.

Ripe for the Picking

When he first met me, was there a giant "L" for "LOSER" emblazoned on my forehead? Did I give off some special scent that he was able to pick up? Was there something about me that screamed: "Here I am, come and get me. You can use me and abuse and get away with it." ? Did he see my past and somehow sense that I was vulnerable, needy, wounded, and somehow "ripe for the picking?" Was there something innately "wrong" with ME that I would have even been attracted to him in the first place?

Why didn't I run the other way when I first saw him? Why didn't I call the cops or go to the emergency room the very FIRST time he hurt me? Why didn't I tell someone how he made me suffer? Why did it take me so long to realize that the things he was doing & saying were so WRONG?

How could I have cared so little for myself that all he had to do was tell me was that I was smart & beautiful and I'd essentially "let him" hurt me? How could I have believed him when he said he "loved" me? How many times did I endure HOURS of his sexual torture, only to forgive it all or explain it away as a "misunderstanding" just because he'd bring me an ice pack to dull the pain, make me a cup of coffee the next morning, offer to cook supper, or bring home flowers? How did that make it "okay" for him to hurt me like he did?

One thing I do know ... I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking that's how a man treats a woman he professes to love. I didn't want my boys to grow up thinking that's how a man expresses his "love" to a woman. That's why I left. They deserve to grow up without living in fear. And as excruciatingly difficult as it may be to struggle through all of the legal "stuff," I can't give up now. I just have to keep reminding myself of what I USED TO think when he'd lead me off into another room to "have his way with me" ... I'M DOING THIS FOR MY KIDS!

Maybe Tomorrow

My strength's a memory; I have no more.
My will to fight is gone, I feel so small.
Belief that right prevails walked out the door,
I have no more to give - I gave my all.
The things I once believed that I could do,
I gave them up, my dreams have all but died.
My days of being super mom are through.
No comfort comes from knowing that I tried.
There simply aren't the hours within a day
To do it all, to be it all, to find
The answers to the questions, so I say
Good-bye to hope, to faith, and peace of mind.
Maybe tomorrow I will try again ...
If I don't lose my marbles before then.

It Never Happened

"It never happened." Words that are so strong;
An echo from the past I left behind,
A challenge of what I'd lived all along,
A seed of doubt was planted in my mind.
"If you say this, then no one will believe
A single thing you say; it's all a lie."
I'm empty now, there's nothing to achieve,
No point in even bothering to try.
I sigh and nod, I back away, and then
Give in and say the words I hate to say.
I'm back to just a puppet once again;
The melancholy robot saves the day.
"It never happened." (So glad we agree.)
Guess I was wrong. Good-bye reality.

I Forgot It All

How many yesterdays have come and gone
Since I first felt the burning sting of shame?
When did I find a shelf to place it on,
The things I couldn't face and couldn't name?
How many years have passed since I lost track
Of things I never thought that I'd forget?
When did I bury all my dreams out back,
Amidst the desert sand and my regret?
How many moons ago did I give up,
Convinced it was my lot in life to be
Content to sip this awful, bitter cup,
And never let the sorrow get to me?
Time doesn't heal all wounds, as I recall;
There was a reason I forgot it all.

Have I come this far in vain? (acrostic sonnet)

Some day on heaven's shore, I'll hold the key
That will unlock the meaning of it all.
Until that day, I'll try my best to be
Content to read the writing on the wall.
Keep thinking I should have a clue by now ...

How can so many years have passed me by?
Each time I go back home I feel somehow
Revisiting my youth will tell me why
Each path I walked was diff'rent, yet the same.

Am I condemned this hist'ry to repeat?
God, help me, have I come this far in vain?
Am I forever doomed to face defeat?
I cannot see beyond this awful mess,
No matter how I try, I do confess.

Back Down This Road (sonnet)

I traveled to the place I thought was home,
But it felt strange returning there because
The years have passed and left me all alone,
A shriveled shadow of what I once was.
Inside I feel the same as in my youth,
Though I stopped living, life still passed me by.
I'm lost without a clue, and that's the truth.
I'm old and young at once, and don't know why.
Can someone tell me where my heart belongs?
Can someone show me how to find my way?
Can someone help me somehow right the wrongs
That stole the years from me, killed yesterday?
I cannot stay, but hate that I must go
Back down this road, whose end I do not know.

The Nothingness Surrounds Me Like a Cloud (sonnet)

The nothingness surrounds me like a cloud
Until my barren soul just falls apart.
The fragments seen that I can't voice out loud,
Betrayed by garish dreams and taboo art.
Is there an evil force I cannot see,
Somehow at work within these shadowed halls?
Am I the one who's cursed myself to be
Forever locked behind these sacred walls?
Each time I think I know just what to feel,
I cannot find the words, I cannot cry,
Life kicks me in the ass with pain so real,
I cannot find an answer for the "why."
No matter where I go or what I do
It seems I struggle just to make it through.