 |
| A Sex addict -- what my ex-husband was, and in all likelihood still is. |
Showing posts with label body memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body memories. Show all posts
Friday, March 9, 2012
I'm Not Quitting . . . Yet . . .
PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Stuff Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.
I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"
Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, started supper, and unloaded & reloaded the washing machine ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.
"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"
I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.
Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.
Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.
I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!
I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"
Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, started supper, and unloaded & reloaded the washing machine ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.
"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"
I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.
Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.
Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.
I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Be Mine (collage - adult content)
 |
| Bits and pieces from flashbacks from one particular Valentine's Day when I was beaten with a coat hanger and otherwise brutalized in various ways that I won't get into right now. My ex-abuser was upset because he had bought me sexy red lingerie and I had my period and had therefore "ruined" Valentine's Day for him. His use of force and punishment was his way of proving that he had total control over me, that I was, in all ways, shapes, and forms, HIS! |
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - aka PTSD? (article)
When I tell people that I suffer from complex PTSD as a result of various traumas and my abusive marriage, I often get blank stares or questioning looks. So, in hopes of somewhat enlightening those who are fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with PTSD, here is a brief explanation. If you wish, you can, of course, google it and there's a plethora of information available. However, I'll try to give you a sort of 'Reader's Digest Condensed Version' to save you some time.... Honestly, I DID try to keep it short .... REALLY! Portions that are highlighted in red and bolded are things that I can personally relate to and am now experiencing or have experienced in the past.
-------------------------------
Q: What is PTSD, who gets it, and what causes it?
A: Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a condition that has both emotional and physical components.
Although it has likely existed since human beings have endured trauma, PTSD has only been recognized as a formal diagnosis since 1980. Before then it was known by a variety of names (usually in connecting with various wars, etc.): soldier's heart, combat fatigue, post-Vietnam syndrome, battle fatigue, and shell shock.
Virtually any event that is (or is perceived as) life-threatening or that severely compromises the physical or emotional well-being of an individual may cause PTSD. Examples include things such as:
(*) experiencing or witnessing a severe accident or physical injury,
(*) being the victim of kidnapping or torture,
(*) exposure to military combat or a disaster (hurricane, plane crash, etc.),
(*) being the victim of rape, mugging, robbery or assault; or
(*) enduring physical, sexual, emotional, or other forms of abuse.
Q: Does everyone who experiences trauma develop PTSD, or are some people more at risk than others?
A: Not everyone who survives traumatic events will develop PTSD. Issues that tend to put people at a higher risk for developing PTSD include:
(*) the individual experienced trauma as a child,
(*) the individual experienced trauma over an extended period of time,
(*) the individual experienced very severe physical and/or emotional pain,
(*) the individual had an emotional condition prior to the trauma (low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, etc.), or
(*) the individual was isolated and had little social support in the form of family or friends.
Q: What are some of the symptoms of PTSD?
A: The three groups of symptoms that are required to assign the diagnosis of PTSD are:
RE-EXPERIENCING, AVOIDANCE/NUMBING, and HYPER-AROUSAL.
Symptoms that fall under re-experiencing are:
• Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the trauma -- including images, thoughts, and/or perceptions
• Body memories (not a conscious recollection of what they are re-experiencing but they will often experience the same physical pain).
• Recurrent distressing dreams of the trauma (nightmares).
• Acting or feeling as if the trauma were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, dissociative flashback episodes, especially upon first awakening from sleep).
• Intense psychological distress at exposure to triggers (internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the trauma). Fear, anxiety, depression, etc. • Intense physical reactions upon exposure to triggers. (Difficulty breathing, pain, nausea, headache, dizziness, numbness/tingling, heart racing, etc.)
Symptoms that fall under avoidance/numbing are:
• Make an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with trauma.
• Make an effort to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma (for example: avoiding going to the doctor, a former place where the person lived, certain types of clothing, certain rooms, sounds, smells, etc.)
• Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma.
• Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
• Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others.
• Restricted range of affect (able to have loving feelings but unable to express anger or vice versa; feeling emotionally numb or "robotic").
Symptoms that fall under hyper-arousal are:
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep.
• Irritability or outbursts of anger.
• Difficulty concentrating. (this is a BIGGIE for me)
• Hyper vigilance (walking on eggshells/always being 'on guard').
• Increased or exaggerated startle response.
In addition, the following groups of symptoms MAY occur in some individuals with PTSD (most commonly seen in response to added stress):
• Impaired ability to regulate emotion.
• Ambivalence.
• Self-destructive and/or impulsive behavior.
• Increased need to be around others.
• Re-enactment of past traumas.
• Dissociative symptoms.
• Feelings of ineffectiveness and incompetency.
• Shame.
• Despair or hopelessness
• Feeling victimized.
• Feeling permanently damaged.
• Loss of previously sustained beliefs.
• Hostility.
• Social withdrawal and isolation.
• Feeling constantly threatened or unsafe.
• Impaired relationships with others.
• Addictions - may try to self-medicate PTSD symptoms with a substance or constantly occupy oneself with activity (work lots of overtime, take on extra projects, etc).
Q: How is one diagnosed with PTSD?
A: At least one re-experiencing symptom, three avoidance/numbing symptoms, and two hyperarousal symptoms must be present for at least one month and must cause significant distress or functional impairment in order for the diagnosis of PTSD to be assigned. PTSD is considered of chronic duration if it persists for three months or more.
Q: You say you have complex PTSD. What is that?
A: Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a more complicated/chronic type of the condition that usually results from prolonged exposure to trauma and is characterized by long-lasting problems with many aspects of emotional and social functioning. Basically think of it as PTSD on steroids!
In addition to the symptoms associated with "normal" PTSD, symptoms that tend to be associated with C-PTSD include: significant problems expressing and/or regulating feelings; a tendency to forget the trauma or feel detached from one's life (dissociation) or body (depersonalization); persistent feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, or being completely different from others; and severe change in those things that give the sufferer meaning (such as a loss of spiritual faith or an ongoing sense of helplessness, hopelessness, or despair).
Q: How is PTSD treated?
A: Since PTSD affects both the body and the mind, effective treatment approaches will generally have both psychological and medical components. Professional help is usually required and one or more of the following may be used:
(*) Education - teaching individuals about what PTSD is, that it is caused by extraordinary stress rather than weakness, how it is treated, and what to expect in treatment. This education thereby increases the likelihood that inaccurate ideas the person may have about the illness are dispelled, and any shame they may feel about having it is minimized. Teaching people with PTSD practical approaches to coping with what can be very intense and disturbing symptoms has been found to be another useful way to treat the illness.
(*) Relaxation - helping sufferers learn how to manage fear & anxiety, improve their communication skills, and use relaxation techniques can help individuals with PTSD gain a sense of mastery over their emotional and physical symptoms.
(*) Cognitive behavioral therapy - helps people with PTSD recognize and adjust trauma-related thoughts and beliefs by educating them about the relationships between thoughts and feelings, exploring common negative thoughts held by traumatized individuals, developing alternative interpretations, and by practicing new ways of looking at things. This treatment also involves practicing learned techniques in real-life situations. (I personally haven't found this to be too helpful as some of my symptoms are bodily responses that just don't seem to respond to this type of therapy.)
(*) Somatic Trauma therapy - In development since 1992, Somatic Trauma Therapy is not a single method, but an integrated system of psychotherapy and body-psychotherapy that continues to evolve as new theory and techniques emerge in the field. Somatic Trauma Therapy addresses all aspects of trauma's impact -- on thinking, emotions, and bodily sensations -- bringing them into sync, and relegating trauma to it's rightful place in the past. So, I guess you could call it a "combo" approach to PTSD. (My own experience with this type of therapy is that it's gut-wrenching, pain-staking work that involves processing the trauma itself, a bit at a time, and re-experiencing it in "real time." This can be excruciatingly painful and exhausting, both emotionally and physically.)
(*) Eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of cognitive therapy in which the practitioner guides the person with PTSD in talking about the trauma suffered and the negative feelings associated with the events, while focusing on the professional's rapidly moving finger. While some research indicates this treatment may be effective, it is unclear if this is any more effective than cognitive therapy that is done without the use of rapid eye movement. (This technique didn't help me all that much using eye movements. My therapist instead had me close my eyes and she gently tapped the tops of my outstretched hands alternately in a rhythmic manner. This seemed to be a bit more effective for me.)
(*) Directly addressing sleep problems - not only helps alleviate those problems but also helps decrease the symptoms of PTSD in general. Specifically, rehearsing adaptive ways of coping with nightmares (imagery rehearsal therapy), training in relaxation techniques, positive self-talk, and screening for other sleep problems have been found to be particularly helpful in decreasing the sleep problems associated with PTSD. (I currently take a prescription medication to help me get to sleep and stay asleep. Without it, I cannot sleep. I also utilize several relaxation and meditation techniques to help "destress" before bedtime.)
(*) Medications - in some cases medication can help PTSD sufferers by decreasing the physical and emotional symptoms associated with condition. SSRIs are the first group of medications that have achieved approval by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of PTSD. These medicines have been found to help PTSD sufferers modify information that is taken in from the environment (stimuli) and to decrease fear. Research also shows that this group of medicines tends to decrease anxiety, depression, and panic. (I'm currently taking prescription medications for anxiety, depression, and insomnia.)
The following quote explains fairly well how PTSD can potentially develop when a person becomes overwhelmed by trauma:
"The human response to danger is a complex, integrated system of reactions, encompassing both body and mind. Threat initially arouses the sympathetic nervous system, causing the person in danger to feel an adrenaline rush and to go into a state of alert. Threat also concentrates a person's attention on the immediate situation. In addition, threat may alter ordinary perceptions: people in danger are often able to disregard hunger, fatigue, or pain. Finally, threat evokes intense feelings of fear and anger. These changes in arousal, attention, perception, and emotion are normal, adaptive responses. They mobilize the threatened person for strenuous action, either in battle or in flight...Traumatic reactions (such as PTSD) occur when action is of no avail. When neither resistance nor escape is possible, the human system of self-defense becomes overwhelmed and disorganized. Each component of the ordinary response to danger, having lost it's utility, tends to persist in an altered and exaggerated state after the actual danger is over....Traumatic events produce profound and lasting changes in physiological arousal, emotion, cognition, and memory. Moreover, traumatic events may sever these normally integrated functions from one another. The traumatized person may experience intense emotion without clear memory of the event, or may remember everything in detail but without emotion."
(From p. 43 of Judith Lewis Herman's book "Trauma and Recovery").
Hope that helps! I welcome any further questions or comments.
-------------------------------
Q: What is PTSD, who gets it, and what causes it?
A: Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a condition that has both emotional and physical components.
Although it has likely existed since human beings have endured trauma, PTSD has only been recognized as a formal diagnosis since 1980. Before then it was known by a variety of names (usually in connecting with various wars, etc.): soldier's heart, combat fatigue, post-Vietnam syndrome, battle fatigue, and shell shock.
Virtually any event that is (or is perceived as) life-threatening or that severely compromises the physical or emotional well-being of an individual may cause PTSD. Examples include things such as:
(*) experiencing or witnessing a severe accident or physical injury,
(*) being the victim of kidnapping or torture,
(*) exposure to military combat or a disaster (hurricane, plane crash, etc.),
(*) being the victim of rape, mugging, robbery or assault; or
(*) enduring physical, sexual, emotional, or other forms of abuse.
Q: Does everyone who experiences trauma develop PTSD, or are some people more at risk than others?
A: Not everyone who survives traumatic events will develop PTSD. Issues that tend to put people at a higher risk for developing PTSD include:
(*) the individual experienced trauma as a child,
(*) the individual experienced trauma over an extended period of time,
(*) the individual experienced very severe physical and/or emotional pain,
(*) the individual had an emotional condition prior to the trauma (low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, etc.), or
(*) the individual was isolated and had little social support in the form of family or friends.
Q: What are some of the symptoms of PTSD?
A: The three groups of symptoms that are required to assign the diagnosis of PTSD are:
RE-EXPERIENCING, AVOIDANCE/NUMBING, and HYPER-AROUSAL.
Symptoms that fall under re-experiencing are:
• Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the trauma -- including images, thoughts, and/or perceptions
• Body memories (not a conscious recollection of what they are re-experiencing but they will often experience the same physical pain).
• Recurrent distressing dreams of the trauma (nightmares).
• Acting or feeling as if the trauma were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, dissociative flashback episodes, especially upon first awakening from sleep).
• Intense psychological distress at exposure to triggers (internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the trauma). Fear, anxiety, depression, etc. • Intense physical reactions upon exposure to triggers. (Difficulty breathing, pain, nausea, headache, dizziness, numbness/tingling, heart racing, etc.)
Symptoms that fall under avoidance/numbing are:
• Make an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with trauma.
• Make an effort to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma (for example: avoiding going to the doctor, a former place where the person lived, certain types of clothing, certain rooms, sounds, smells, etc.)
• Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma.
• Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
• Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others.
• Restricted range of affect (able to have loving feelings but unable to express anger or vice versa; feeling emotionally numb or "robotic").
Symptoms that fall under hyper-arousal are:
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep.
• Irritability or outbursts of anger.
• Difficulty concentrating. (this is a BIGGIE for me)
• Hyper vigilance (walking on eggshells/always being 'on guard').
• Increased or exaggerated startle response.
In addition, the following groups of symptoms MAY occur in some individuals with PTSD (most commonly seen in response to added stress):
• Impaired ability to regulate emotion.
• Ambivalence.
• Self-destructive and/or impulsive behavior.
• Increased need to be around others.
• Re-enactment of past traumas.
• Dissociative symptoms.
• Feelings of ineffectiveness and incompetency.
• Shame.
• Despair or hopelessness
• Feeling victimized.
• Feeling permanently damaged.
• Loss of previously sustained beliefs.
• Hostility.
• Social withdrawal and isolation.
• Feeling constantly threatened or unsafe.
• Impaired relationships with others.
• Addictions - may try to self-medicate PTSD symptoms with a substance or constantly occupy oneself with activity (work lots of overtime, take on extra projects, etc).
Q: How is one diagnosed with PTSD?
A: At least one re-experiencing symptom, three avoidance/numbing symptoms, and two hyperarousal symptoms must be present for at least one month and must cause significant distress or functional impairment in order for the diagnosis of PTSD to be assigned. PTSD is considered of chronic duration if it persists for three months or more.
Q: You say you have complex PTSD. What is that?
A: Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a more complicated/chronic type of the condition that usually results from prolonged exposure to trauma and is characterized by long-lasting problems with many aspects of emotional and social functioning. Basically think of it as PTSD on steroids!
In addition to the symptoms associated with "normal" PTSD, symptoms that tend to be associated with C-PTSD include: significant problems expressing and/or regulating feelings; a tendency to forget the trauma or feel detached from one's life (dissociation) or body (depersonalization); persistent feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, or being completely different from others; and severe change in those things that give the sufferer meaning (such as a loss of spiritual faith or an ongoing sense of helplessness, hopelessness, or despair).
Q: How is PTSD treated?
A: Since PTSD affects both the body and the mind, effective treatment approaches will generally have both psychological and medical components. Professional help is usually required and one or more of the following may be used:
(*) Education - teaching individuals about what PTSD is, that it is caused by extraordinary stress rather than weakness, how it is treated, and what to expect in treatment. This education thereby increases the likelihood that inaccurate ideas the person may have about the illness are dispelled, and any shame they may feel about having it is minimized. Teaching people with PTSD practical approaches to coping with what can be very intense and disturbing symptoms has been found to be another useful way to treat the illness.
(*) Relaxation - helping sufferers learn how to manage fear & anxiety, improve their communication skills, and use relaxation techniques can help individuals with PTSD gain a sense of mastery over their emotional and physical symptoms.
(*) Cognitive behavioral therapy - helps people with PTSD recognize and adjust trauma-related thoughts and beliefs by educating them about the relationships between thoughts and feelings, exploring common negative thoughts held by traumatized individuals, developing alternative interpretations, and by practicing new ways of looking at things. This treatment also involves practicing learned techniques in real-life situations. (I personally haven't found this to be too helpful as some of my symptoms are bodily responses that just don't seem to respond to this type of therapy.)
(*) Somatic Trauma therapy - In development since 1992, Somatic Trauma Therapy is not a single method, but an integrated system of psychotherapy and body-psychotherapy that continues to evolve as new theory and techniques emerge in the field. Somatic Trauma Therapy addresses all aspects of trauma's impact -- on thinking, emotions, and bodily sensations -- bringing them into sync, and relegating trauma to it's rightful place in the past. So, I guess you could call it a "combo" approach to PTSD. (My own experience with this type of therapy is that it's gut-wrenching, pain-staking work that involves processing the trauma itself, a bit at a time, and re-experiencing it in "real time." This can be excruciatingly painful and exhausting, both emotionally and physically.)
(*) Eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of cognitive therapy in which the practitioner guides the person with PTSD in talking about the trauma suffered and the negative feelings associated with the events, while focusing on the professional's rapidly moving finger. While some research indicates this treatment may be effective, it is unclear if this is any more effective than cognitive therapy that is done without the use of rapid eye movement. (This technique didn't help me all that much using eye movements. My therapist instead had me close my eyes and she gently tapped the tops of my outstretched hands alternately in a rhythmic manner. This seemed to be a bit more effective for me.)
(*) Directly addressing sleep problems - not only helps alleviate those problems but also helps decrease the symptoms of PTSD in general. Specifically, rehearsing adaptive ways of coping with nightmares (imagery rehearsal therapy), training in relaxation techniques, positive self-talk, and screening for other sleep problems have been found to be particularly helpful in decreasing the sleep problems associated with PTSD. (I currently take a prescription medication to help me get to sleep and stay asleep. Without it, I cannot sleep. I also utilize several relaxation and meditation techniques to help "destress" before bedtime.)
(*) Medications - in some cases medication can help PTSD sufferers by decreasing the physical and emotional symptoms associated with condition. SSRIs are the first group of medications that have achieved approval by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of PTSD. These medicines have been found to help PTSD sufferers modify information that is taken in from the environment (stimuli) and to decrease fear. Research also shows that this group of medicines tends to decrease anxiety, depression, and panic. (I'm currently taking prescription medications for anxiety, depression, and insomnia.)
The following quote explains fairly well how PTSD can potentially develop when a person becomes overwhelmed by trauma:
"The human response to danger is a complex, integrated system of reactions, encompassing both body and mind. Threat initially arouses the sympathetic nervous system, causing the person in danger to feel an adrenaline rush and to go into a state of alert. Threat also concentrates a person's attention on the immediate situation. In addition, threat may alter ordinary perceptions: people in danger are often able to disregard hunger, fatigue, or pain. Finally, threat evokes intense feelings of fear and anger. These changes in arousal, attention, perception, and emotion are normal, adaptive responses. They mobilize the threatened person for strenuous action, either in battle or in flight...Traumatic reactions (such as PTSD) occur when action is of no avail. When neither resistance nor escape is possible, the human system of self-defense becomes overwhelmed and disorganized. Each component of the ordinary response to danger, having lost it's utility, tends to persist in an altered and exaggerated state after the actual danger is over....Traumatic events produce profound and lasting changes in physiological arousal, emotion, cognition, and memory. Moreover, traumatic events may sever these normally integrated functions from one another. The traumatized person may experience intense emotion without clear memory of the event, or may remember everything in detail but without emotion."
(From p. 43 of Judith Lewis Herman's book "Trauma and Recovery").
Hope that helps! I welcome any further questions or comments.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Molten Mush (sonnet)
I can't concentrate enough to crochet.
My brain is one big gob of molten mush.
How will I ever make it through this day,
Do supper, laundry, and homework and such?
I feel so embarrassed asking for help,
Though it's a relief to know help is there.
Wish I had the strength to do it myself,
But the load right now's more than I can bear.
If only the flashbacks would stay away.
If only the memories wouldn't come up.
If only I'd keep the feelings at bay,
Then I think I could survive well enough.
The past keeps bubbling up into my face.
I still can't seem to find a peaceful place.
My brain is one big gob of molten mush.
How will I ever make it through this day,
Do supper, laundry, and homework and such?
I feel so embarrassed asking for help,
Though it's a relief to know help is there.
Wish I had the strength to do it myself,
But the load right now's more than I can bear.
If only the flashbacks would stay away.
If only the memories wouldn't come up.
If only I'd keep the feelings at bay,
Then I think I could survive well enough.
The past keeps bubbling up into my face.
I still can't seem to find a peaceful place.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Welcome to the Jungle (sonnet)
So welcome to the jungle, this is just
A taste of what awaits you in the weeds.
I'll let you have a sample, if you must,
I always have what everybody needs.
If pain is what you're seeking, I have it.
Stored up inside by the bushel and peck.
Just look down the hole, follow the rabbit,
And soon you'll be in hell up to your neck.
If love is what you search for, look elsewhere,
For I'm not even certain it exists.
I've been hurt so much by people who "care,"
But I don't know if there's something I've missed.
Won't you join me here in the jungle now?
I'm all alone here, waiting, anyhow.
A taste of what awaits you in the weeds.
I'll let you have a sample, if you must,
I always have what everybody needs.
If pain is what you're seeking, I have it.
Stored up inside by the bushel and peck.
Just look down the hole, follow the rabbit,
And soon you'll be in hell up to your neck.
If love is what you search for, look elsewhere,
For I'm not even certain it exists.
I've been hurt so much by people who "care,"
But I don't know if there's something I've missed.
Won't you join me here in the jungle now?
I'm all alone here, waiting, anyhow.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
If Only For Today (sonnet)
Warming my soul with a glass of champagne,
I float away to a land of sweet peace.
Drowing the memories, drowing the pain,
Finding a small way to find some release.
Is it very wrong to not want to feel?
Is it so horrible to run away?
Is it so bad to wish it weren't real?
Is it a crime to "numb away" the day?
I know it's the past, I know that it's done --
I know it is not still happening now.
I know that I am not the only one
Who has been tortured like this, but somehow
I wish I could just make it go away.
And so I shall, if only for today.
I float away to a land of sweet peace.
Drowing the memories, drowing the pain,
Finding a small way to find some release.
Is it very wrong to not want to feel?
Is it so horrible to run away?
Is it so bad to wish it weren't real?
Is it a crime to "numb away" the day?
I know it's the past, I know that it's done --
I know it is not still happening now.
I know that I am not the only one
Who has been tortured like this, but somehow
I wish I could just make it go away.
And so I shall, if only for today.
Monday, November 28, 2011
A Journey Just Begun (sonnet)
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo -- just pick one.
The good, the bad, the ugly; all are there.
Nobody said this process would be fun,
But without pain, I won't get anywhere.
Don't want therapy to be my career.
I will do the work that needs to be done,
Break the bonds of trauma that hold me here,
Won't hide from anything or anyone.
Life is too short to live in yesterday,
Far too precious to wallow in sorrow.
No matter what, I'll try to find a way
To always keep focused on tomorrow.
This journey may be one I've just begun,
But I will not give up until I'm done.
The good, the bad, the ugly; all are there.
Nobody said this process would be fun,
But without pain, I won't get anywhere.
Don't want therapy to be my career.
I will do the work that needs to be done,
Break the bonds of trauma that hold me here,
Won't hide from anything or anyone.
Life is too short to live in yesterday,
Far too precious to wallow in sorrow.
No matter what, I'll try to find a way
To always keep focused on tomorrow.
This journey may be one I've just begun,
But I will not give up until I'm done.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Rapist Walks Free (sonnet)
The memories still haunt me in the night,
The flashbacks still plague me during the day.
What about this picture is not right?
So many things I never got to say.
I never called the cops to come for him,
I chose, instead, to suffer in my shame.
It wasn't simply on a flimsy whim,
That I protected him and his "good name."
I thought about our kids, and shut my eyes
To all the hellish things he did to me.
I guess that it should come as no surprise
That things would turn out as they seem to be.
Justice does not exist (at least for me);
Tonight, my husband, the rapist, walks free.
The flashbacks still plague me during the day.
What about this picture is not right?
So many things I never got to say.
I never called the cops to come for him,
I chose, instead, to suffer in my shame.
It wasn't simply on a flimsy whim,
That I protected him and his "good name."
I thought about our kids, and shut my eyes
To all the hellish things he did to me.
I guess that it should come as no surprise
That things would turn out as they seem to be.
Justice does not exist (at least for me);
Tonight, my husband, the rapist, walks free.
Friday, May 13, 2011
When Will This Be Over? (Sonnet)
My head shoved in the bookcase like a box,
Him reaming me like crazy from behind,
The banging of the headboard as it rocks,
The screaming pain that makes me lose my mind.
"This is for my kids," I say, and shut up,
I don't want them to awake from their sleep.
The pain, the feelings, they all just got stuffed,
I wish I had the luxury to weep.
When will this be over? When will it end --
The remembering of all that he did?
How did I always force my mind to bend
Around the memories I quickly hid?
God help me, I can't deal with all this pain.
I'm tired of living it over again.
Him reaming me like crazy from behind,
The banging of the headboard as it rocks,
The screaming pain that makes me lose my mind.
"This is for my kids," I say, and shut up,
I don't want them to awake from their sleep.
The pain, the feelings, they all just got stuffed,
I wish I had the luxury to weep.
When will this be over? When will it end --
The remembering of all that he did?
How did I always force my mind to bend
Around the memories I quickly hid?
God help me, I can't deal with all this pain.
I'm tired of living it over again.
Monday, April 25, 2011
I Can't Believe I Let Him in Again (sonnet)
I can't believe I let him in again.
I thought I'd built the walls up high enough.
I haven't felt this bad since God knows when.
Simply hearing his voice, his touch, and stuff.
I only wanted to be with my kids,
To make the day special for them somehow.
I never dreamed I'd be feeling like this,
The nightmares have started all over now.
Just when I think I've fin'lly broken free,
He finds a way to get under my skin.
Why do I let what he says bother me?
Why do I even let his words get in?
God, help me shut out all these memories.
I'm asking you, begging you, won't you please?
I thought I'd built the walls up high enough.
I haven't felt this bad since God knows when.
Simply hearing his voice, his touch, and stuff.
I only wanted to be with my kids,
To make the day special for them somehow.
I never dreamed I'd be feeling like this,
The nightmares have started all over now.
Just when I think I've fin'lly broken free,
He finds a way to get under my skin.
Why do I let what he says bother me?
Why do I even let his words get in?
God, help me shut out all these memories.
I'm asking you, begging you, won't you please?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Please, No More (triple sonnet)
Throbbing pain, as I whisper, "Please, no more!"
My silent cries, unheard, fall on deaf ears.
I'm worn out, I'm dried out, I'm torn and sore.
Each throbbing thrust a knife that burns and sears.
I try again, and whisper, "Please be done!"
"You want it in your mouth then, say the word."
Which word must I say? I try to pick one.
But his "logic" is skewed and so absurd.
Gasping for air, I try to find a way
To escape from this hell within a bed,
But I can't complain, no words I dare say,
Or he'll turn me and go backwards instead.
Oh soul of mine, where have you gone to hide?
How can I find you way down deep inside?
"You're done when I say that you're done," he says.
I shudder and wonder how long this time.
It could be ten minutes, three hours, or less,
There's never really a reason or rhyme.
"You can come again for me now, can't you!"
His words, not a question, but a demand.
"The Lord is my Shepherd . . ." keeps running through
As I brace myself and wait for his hand.
Worse still, I see it coming through the air,
His hand balled up in a hard, tightened fist.
And there is no way that I can prepare
For his slobbery, slimy, cum-filled kiss.
My body has forsaken me at last.
The pain that I should feel just went right past.
"You'll take it all, I know," he says to me.
As if there is some pride he finds in this.
Bigger, deeper, and harder; endlessly.
Until he cannot rise or starts to miss.
I try to shut it out and go away.
"Let's see if this will fit, I bet it will."
My mind throws up a wall and bids it stay,
As I command my body to stay still.
"I cannot do this, Lord," I softly cry.
His hand, his fist inside, is so immense.
Is this my punishment -- for what, and why?
I can't escape the pain, it's too intense.
Awak'ning from the nightmare in a sweat,
Another mem'ry I cannot forget.
My silent cries, unheard, fall on deaf ears.
I'm worn out, I'm dried out, I'm torn and sore.
Each throbbing thrust a knife that burns and sears.
I try again, and whisper, "Please be done!"
"You want it in your mouth then, say the word."
Which word must I say? I try to pick one.
But his "logic" is skewed and so absurd.
Gasping for air, I try to find a way
To escape from this hell within a bed,
But I can't complain, no words I dare say,
Or he'll turn me and go backwards instead.
Oh soul of mine, where have you gone to hide?
How can I find you way down deep inside?
"You're done when I say that you're done," he says.
I shudder and wonder how long this time.
It could be ten minutes, three hours, or less,
There's never really a reason or rhyme.
"You can come again for me now, can't you!"
His words, not a question, but a demand.
"The Lord is my Shepherd . . ." keeps running through
As I brace myself and wait for his hand.
Worse still, I see it coming through the air,
His hand balled up in a hard, tightened fist.
And there is no way that I can prepare
For his slobbery, slimy, cum-filled kiss.
My body has forsaken me at last.
The pain that I should feel just went right past.
"You'll take it all, I know," he says to me.
As if there is some pride he finds in this.
Bigger, deeper, and harder; endlessly.
Until he cannot rise or starts to miss.
I try to shut it out and go away.
"Let's see if this will fit, I bet it will."
My mind throws up a wall and bids it stay,
As I command my body to stay still.
"I cannot do this, Lord," I softly cry.
His hand, his fist inside, is so immense.
Is this my punishment -- for what, and why?
I can't escape the pain, it's too intense.
Awak'ning from the nightmare in a sweat,
Another mem'ry I cannot forget.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
7-7 New artwork (trigger warning)
I've been having such trouble with nightmares lately. And what I call "daymares" LOL . . . I'm awake, but it feels like when you're trapped in a nightmare and you KNOW it's a dream, but you can't wake up. Anyhow, there's a lot of stuff that I can't really talk about yet, but I've been able to "draw about it." I can't even really say much about these except that each one took several hours to complete.
Anyhow, I hope you didn't find these too disturbing. I'll post one in a new post that's a little bit more conventional that I've just finished today (Shadow Girl).
Monday, May 10, 2010
Reminded (Acrostic Sonnet)
Some days fly by without a single thought,
Obscured by daily tasks that I must do.
How is it there are days that I cannot
Expect to find a passage safely through?
Reminded by the simplest little things,
Each time I pray that this will be the last.
I brace myself for what each mem'ry brings;
God help me, I can't breathe until it's passed.
Oft times the things that he has said and done
As foreign movies play before my eyes.
Gripped by the fear, I want to turn and run
Away from each unorthodox surprise.
I never wanted to endure it then.
Now I must somehow live through it again.
Obscured by daily tasks that I must do.
How is it there are days that I cannot
Expect to find a passage safely through?
Reminded by the simplest little things,
Each time I pray that this will be the last.
I brace myself for what each mem'ry brings;
God help me, I can't breathe until it's passed.
Oft times the things that he has said and done
As foreign movies play before my eyes.
Gripped by the fear, I want to turn and run
Away from each unorthodox surprise.
I never wanted to endure it then.
Now I must somehow live through it again.
Friday, February 26, 2010
I Can't Go There Again (sonnet)
I'm fighting it, but don't know if I can
Resist the urge to wallow in the worst
Of who and what I think and feel I am.
I know, deep down, that healing's what I need,
But, oh my God, I can't go there again.
The thought of it just makes me want to bleed;
I haven't felt this bad since way back when.
I never want to feel out of control
The way I did when I first started on
This journey to the center of my soul.
What if I get there just to find I'm gone?
I almost wish I really were insane.
I'd rather that than face this wretched pain.
-----------------------------------------------
Artwork used by permission of the talented artist
April Mansilla. View and purchase her artwork HERE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)