You know how they say a picture says a thousand words?
These pictures should cause a thousand laughs!
And last but not least, please don't die laughing . . . especially not here . . .
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Do you need to LOL? (funny pictures montage)
And last but not least, please don't die laughing . . . especially not here . . .
Whatever It Takes (freewrite)
Today I've been thinking of some of my all-time favorite Bible passages:
"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.' "
Matthew 11:28-30 (New Living Translation)
"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior ... You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you. From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch you out of my hand."
Isaiah 43: 1-5, 13 (New Living Translation)
I'm beginning to be convinced that God allows difficult or traumatic circumstances in our lives to draw us close to Him and KEEP us there.
You see, I am and have always been, a VERY stubborn, independent person. My pride and desire to be self-sufficient have gotten me into trouble more times than I like to admit.
In my late teens, rather than ask for help when I didn't have money for rent and car insurance, I compromised my moral standards and betrayed the very essence of who I was simply to 'pay the bills.' Why? I was too proud to admit that I couldn't do it myself. I'm sure my parents would have gladly helped me out (had I let them know that I was struggling financially), but I didn't even give them that opportunity.
Later, when I found myself in a difficult relationship, I ignored the warnings of those whose wisdom I SHOULD HAVE trusted, and got married anyway. I don't know what I was trying to prove, but I certainly wasn't about to admit that I'd made a mistake in entering into the relationship in the first place. After all, I thought I was a grown woman, and I simply would not tolerate anyone telling ME how to live my life. That included God (at that particular time in my life, at least).
If things had been more of a "bed of roses" from that point on, I might have simply continued to manage everything on my own -- completely unwilling to surrender to the sovereignty of God. After all, what would I have needed Him for? It was only when life knocked me flat on my face that I was forced to look up and rekindle a faith that had grown cold.
If I had never had to scrimp and save, never wondered how the bills would get paid, and never had to do without or make sacrifices, I might never have learned to trust Him as Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.
If I had never been shamed, brutalized, and wounded inside & out, I might never have learned to rely on Him as Jehovah-Rapha, my Healer.
If I had never wandered through a maze of confusion and manipulation, I might never have learned to count on my Shepherd, Jehovah-Ra-Ah, for guidance and direction.
If I had never been paralyzed by terror, tormented by guilt, consumed by worry, or frustrated by injustice, I might never have learned to rest in the peace that Jehovah-Shalom alone can provide.
If I had never suffered agonizing loss after agonizing loss, I might never have learned to lean on Him as the divine Comforter.
If I had never felt trapped and alone in the depths of darkness, I might never have searched for the divine illumination that only the Light of the World can give.
If I had never been completely exhausted and utterly spent -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally, I might never have experienced the incredible rejuvenation found only in El Shaddai (Almighty God, the Strength Giver).
Perhaps He knew that if my life were too 'easy,' I would rely on myself instead of trusting in Him. It's quite possible that God either directly sent me problems or allowed certain difficulties in my life for the specific purpose of bringing me to my knees at the foot of the Cross ..... And KEEPING ME THERE.
And you know what? MOST of the time, I'm quite okay with that (I do have my moments of questioning and doubting like everyone else does). I'd rather go through hell on earth with Jesus by my side than live a life of ease without Him.
Which reminds me of the words to a great 'old' gospel song (youtube video is below the lyrics):
Whatever It Takes
There's a voice calling me
From an old rugged tree
And He whispers, 'Draw closer to Me;
Leave this world far behind,
There are new heights to climb,
And a new place in Me you will find.'
For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Take the dearest things to me,
If that's how it must be,
To draw me closer to Thee;
Let the disappointments come,
Lonely days without the sun,
If through sorrow more like You I'll become.
For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Take my houses, my lands,
Change my dreams, change my plans
For I'm placing my whole life in Your hands;
And if You call me today to a place far away
Lord, I'll go, and Your will I'll obey.
For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
I'll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain --
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes for my will to break,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Words and Music by Lanny Wolfe
"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.' "
Matthew 11:28-30 (New Living Translation)
"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior ... You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you. From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch you out of my hand."
Isaiah 43: 1-5, 13 (New Living Translation)
I'm beginning to be convinced that God allows difficult or traumatic circumstances in our lives to draw us close to Him and KEEP us there.
You see, I am and have always been, a VERY stubborn, independent person. My pride and desire to be self-sufficient have gotten me into trouble more times than I like to admit.
In my late teens, rather than ask for help when I didn't have money for rent and car insurance, I compromised my moral standards and betrayed the very essence of who I was simply to 'pay the bills.' Why? I was too proud to admit that I couldn't do it myself. I'm sure my parents would have gladly helped me out (had I let them know that I was struggling financially), but I didn't even give them that opportunity.
Later, when I found myself in a difficult relationship, I ignored the warnings of those whose wisdom I SHOULD HAVE trusted, and got married anyway. I don't know what I was trying to prove, but I certainly wasn't about to admit that I'd made a mistake in entering into the relationship in the first place. After all, I thought I was a grown woman, and I simply would not tolerate anyone telling ME how to live my life. That included God (at that particular time in my life, at least).
If things had been more of a "bed of roses" from that point on, I might have simply continued to manage everything on my own -- completely unwilling to surrender to the sovereignty of God. After all, what would I have needed Him for? It was only when life knocked me flat on my face that I was forced to look up and rekindle a faith that had grown cold.
If I had never had to scrimp and save, never wondered how the bills would get paid, and never had to do without or make sacrifices, I might never have learned to trust Him as Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.
If I had never been shamed, brutalized, and wounded inside & out, I might never have learned to rely on Him as Jehovah-Rapha, my Healer.
If I had never wandered through a maze of confusion and manipulation, I might never have learned to count on my Shepherd, Jehovah-Ra-Ah, for guidance and direction.
If I had never been paralyzed by terror, tormented by guilt, consumed by worry, or frustrated by injustice, I might never have learned to rest in the peace that Jehovah-Shalom alone can provide.
If I had never suffered agonizing loss after agonizing loss, I might never have learned to lean on Him as the divine Comforter.
If I had never felt trapped and alone in the depths of darkness, I might never have searched for the divine illumination that only the Light of the World can give.
If I had never been completely exhausted and utterly spent -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally, I might never have experienced the incredible rejuvenation found only in El Shaddai (Almighty God, the Strength Giver).
Maybe the Lord knew that the only way to keep me
close to Him was to strip me of everything else.
Perhaps He knew that if my life were too 'easy,' I would rely on myself instead of trusting in Him. It's quite possible that God either directly sent me problems or allowed certain difficulties in my life for the specific purpose of bringing me to my knees at the foot of the Cross ..... And KEEPING ME THERE.
And you know what? MOST of the time, I'm quite okay with that (I do have my moments of questioning and doubting like everyone else does). I'd rather go through hell on earth with Jesus by my side than live a life of ease without Him.
Which reminds me of the words to a great 'old' gospel song (youtube video is below the lyrics):
Whatever It Takes
There's a voice calling me
From an old rugged tree
And He whispers, 'Draw closer to Me;
Leave this world far behind,
There are new heights to climb,
And a new place in Me you will find.'
For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Take the dearest things to me,
If that's how it must be,
To draw me closer to Thee;
Let the disappointments come,
Lonely days without the sun,
If through sorrow more like You I'll become.
For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Take my houses, my lands,
Change my dreams, change my plans
For I'm placing my whole life in Your hands;
And if You call me today to a place far away
Lord, I'll go, and Your will I'll obey.
For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
I'll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain --
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes for my will to break,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Words and Music by Lanny Wolfe
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Holding Each Other Up (article)
Recently, I've had a few friends that have been dealing with some very, very difficult circumstances in their lives -- chronic physical ailments, stressful family problems, severe economic hardships, etc. I myself have been struggling to keep my head above water.
At times, I feel ill-equipped to offer any words of wisdom or come up with any concrete solutions. But I've made it a point to be AVAILABLE to my friends, to pray for them, and to let them know that I love them, that God loves them, and that we're all in this together. I've also been trying to "tune in" to the Holy Spirit's "still small voice" . . . . learning to listen for those gentle nudgings, uneasy feelings, or moments of inspiration. I've been so blessed when I choose to follow the Lord's leading when He prompts me to do or say something.
Tonight, for some silly reason, this one particular story from the Bible came to mind. It's found in the Old Testament; Exodus chapter 17 to be exact. I had no idea why this story crossed my mind until I reread it in the Bible and realized what a powerful message this short story has. So, naturally, I just "had to" share what I discovered with ya'll :o)
A Little Background:
Moses had led the children of Israel out of slavery in Egypt. They'd been wandering around in the wilderness for YEARS, complaining about EVERY little thing. They didn't like the food. They didn't like the water. They didn't like sleeping in tents . . . and the list went on and on.
God had promised them a new land -- Canaan. But before they could take possession of the land, they had to face some enemies.
Just as the Israelites had been freed from slavery in Egypt, we who are believers have been rescued from the bondage of sin. We've left the "desert of Sin" behind, and we're wandering through life, from one place to another, on our way to the "promised land" in Heaven. For those of us who were in abusive relationships, it almost felt like slavery. To finally be "free" from that bondage and still be struggling with "enemies" such as memories, etc. can be rather disheartening at times.
I'll be the first to admit that I complain a great deal. I don't think I'm alone in that. As a human race, by in large, we're a bunch of complainers. We don't like being sick. We don't like being in pain. We don't like losing loved ones. We don't like worrying about money problems. We don't like dealing with heartache. We don't like our jobs (or, on the flip side, we don't like LOSING our jobs). And, honestly, we're not always that thrilled about our living arrangements either (but hey, it could be worse -- at least we're not living in tents like the Israelites were).
I don't mean to trivialize any of these things we're going through - - they're not small things to us, to others, OR TO GOD. I'm simply drawing the parallel between the way we often RESPOND to these situations and the way that the Israelites responded to their circumstances.
And then, to top it all off, just when we think we've almost reached the end of our journey, we get attacked. Some of us are besieged by a physical problem . . . or two . . . . or fifty. For others, our family situation is beyond insane. Most of us are struggling with economic hardship. Sometimes it seems like everything gets thrown at us at the same time.
I noticed a couple things about this story:
a) The way in which the battle was fought, and
b) The outcome of the battle.
First I put myself in Moses' position. God had given him the power to control the outcome of the battle. Whenever he raised the staff in his arms toward heaven, the army triumphed.
I know INTELLECTUALLY that God has promised that I can conquer the enemy (the devil) through the power of Christ Jesus. On my own, I know I'm nothing. But when I reach heavenward, I know that I can be victorious. I can see the results right in front of me on the "battlefield" of life. When I lift up the problems to the Lord, I gain victory. When I try to find my own solutions . . . not so successful. So I try my very best to keep looking up and to keep on fighting.
Even so, there are times when, just like Moses, I am totally drained -- physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. I simply can't go on. All the willpower in the world isn't going to budge me. Totally exhausted, I collapse and consider throwing in the towel.
Here's the part of the story that gets me so excited . . .
What happened when Moses' strength failed? Did the Israelite army give up and beat a hasty retreat? Did the people around him scold him for being weak? Did his friends tell him that if only he would "pray harder" that everything would all work out in the end?
No, ma'am.
His friends:
a) saw that his strength was failing,
b) found him a safe place to rest,
c) stood beside him through the conflict, and
d) HELD HIM UP until their opponents had been defeated.
I have been so fortunate to have friends that have seen me falter now and then and have reminded me that it's okay to LET MYSELF CATCH MY BREATH. They've lifted me up in prayer, time and time again. But even more than that, they've shown by their specific ACTIONS (whether it be arranging a ride for me, sending me an encouraging email, giving me a check to help cover expenses, or calling me "just to say hi") that they are right there beside me "on the hill," holding me up while the chaos swirls all around me.
Then I thought about the story from Aaron's and Hur's perspectives. I've been there too. I've seen war raging in the lives of friends or family members. Honestly, I'll admit that I've been overwhelmed and often felt under-qualified for the task of helping them out. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Besides, sometimes it appears that they're having some degree of success off and on . . . and it seems that they're gaining some ground.
But then I see them fall, and I have to make a decision . . . What do I do now?
Do I pretend I don't SEE?
Do I shuffle them off onto somebody else because I don't want to be bothered?
(After all, I've got enough of my OWN problems to deal with. I don't have time for this.)
Do I listen to them a bit, but then dismiss their pain, tell them to stop whining about their life, and just put on their big girl panties & deal with it?
One reason this story was so encouraging to me was because it showed me that I don't have to know HOW God is going to gain the victory in my life or in someone else's life. All I need to know is that God's the one with the power and He holds the future in His hands.
Aaron and Hur didn't understand how God's power was flowing through Moses. It must have looked pretty silly to see this old man standing up there on top of the hill waving a stick in the air -- but there's no mention of them questioning the strategy (or seeming lack thereof). They simply went to Moses' side, helped him sit down and rest, and HELD HIM UP through the remainder of the assault, trusting that the outcome was up to God.
What did I learn from this story?
At times, I feel ill-equipped to offer any words of wisdom or come up with any concrete solutions. But I've made it a point to be AVAILABLE to my friends, to pray for them, and to let them know that I love them, that God loves them, and that we're all in this together. I've also been trying to "tune in" to the Holy Spirit's "still small voice" . . . . learning to listen for those gentle nudgings, uneasy feelings, or moments of inspiration. I've been so blessed when I choose to follow the Lord's leading when He prompts me to do or say something.
Tonight, for some silly reason, this one particular story from the Bible came to mind. It's found in the Old Testament; Exodus chapter 17 to be exact. I had no idea why this story crossed my mind until I reread it in the Bible and realized what a powerful message this short story has. So, naturally, I just "had to" share what I discovered with ya'll :o)
A Little Background:
Moses had led the children of Israel out of slavery in Egypt. They'd been wandering around in the wilderness for YEARS, complaining about EVERY little thing. They didn't like the food. They didn't like the water. They didn't like sleeping in tents . . . and the list went on and on.
God had promised them a new land -- Canaan. But before they could take possession of the land, they had to face some enemies.
"At the Lord’s command, the whole community of Israel left the wilderness of Sin and moved from place to place. Eventually they camped at Rephidim. While the people of Israel were still at Rephidim, the warriors of Amalek attacked them. Moses commanded Joshua, “Choose some men to go out and fight the army of Amalek for us. Tomorrow, I will stand at the top of the hill, holding the staff of God in my hand.” So Joshua did what Moses had commanded and fought the army of Amalek. Meanwhile, Moses, Aaron, and Hur climbed to the top of a nearby hill. As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle. After the victory, the Lord instructed Moses, “Write this down on a scroll as a permanent reminder.” "Now, here's the amazing parallel to some situations that some of my friends and I have been dealing with:
Exodus 17: 1, 8-11 NLT (New Living Translation)
Just as the Israelites had been freed from slavery in Egypt, we who are believers have been rescued from the bondage of sin. We've left the "desert of Sin" behind, and we're wandering through life, from one place to another, on our way to the "promised land" in Heaven. For those of us who were in abusive relationships, it almost felt like slavery. To finally be "free" from that bondage and still be struggling with "enemies" such as memories, etc. can be rather disheartening at times.
I'll be the first to admit that I complain a great deal. I don't think I'm alone in that. As a human race, by in large, we're a bunch of complainers. We don't like being sick. We don't like being in pain. We don't like losing loved ones. We don't like worrying about money problems. We don't like dealing with heartache. We don't like our jobs (or, on the flip side, we don't like LOSING our jobs). And, honestly, we're not always that thrilled about our living arrangements either (but hey, it could be worse -- at least we're not living in tents like the Israelites were).
I don't mean to trivialize any of these things we're going through - - they're not small things to us, to others, OR TO GOD. I'm simply drawing the parallel between the way we often RESPOND to these situations and the way that the Israelites responded to their circumstances.
And then, to top it all off, just when we think we've almost reached the end of our journey, we get attacked. Some of us are besieged by a physical problem . . . or two . . . . or fifty. For others, our family situation is beyond insane. Most of us are struggling with economic hardship. Sometimes it seems like everything gets thrown at us at the same time.
I noticed a couple things about this story:
a) The way in which the battle was fought, and
b) The outcome of the battle.
First I put myself in Moses' position. God had given him the power to control the outcome of the battle. Whenever he raised the staff in his arms toward heaven, the army triumphed.
I know INTELLECTUALLY that God has promised that I can conquer the enemy (the devil) through the power of Christ Jesus. On my own, I know I'm nothing. But when I reach heavenward, I know that I can be victorious. I can see the results right in front of me on the "battlefield" of life. When I lift up the problems to the Lord, I gain victory. When I try to find my own solutions . . . not so successful. So I try my very best to keep looking up and to keep on fighting.
Even so, there are times when, just like Moses, I am totally drained -- physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. I simply can't go on. All the willpower in the world isn't going to budge me. Totally exhausted, I collapse and consider throwing in the towel.
Here's the part of the story that gets me so excited . . .
What happened when Moses' strength failed? Did the Israelite army give up and beat a hasty retreat? Did the people around him scold him for being weak? Did his friends tell him that if only he would "pray harder" that everything would all work out in the end?
No, ma'am.
His friends:
a) saw that his strength was failing,
b) found him a safe place to rest,
c) stood beside him through the conflict, and
d) HELD HIM UP until their opponents had been defeated.
I have been so fortunate to have friends that have seen me falter now and then and have reminded me that it's okay to LET MYSELF CATCH MY BREATH. They've lifted me up in prayer, time and time again. But even more than that, they've shown by their specific ACTIONS (whether it be arranging a ride for me, sending me an encouraging email, giving me a check to help cover expenses, or calling me "just to say hi") that they are right there beside me "on the hill," holding me up while the chaos swirls all around me.
Then I thought about the story from Aaron's and Hur's perspectives. I've been there too. I've seen war raging in the lives of friends or family members. Honestly, I'll admit that I've been overwhelmed and often felt under-qualified for the task of helping them out. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Besides, sometimes it appears that they're having some degree of success off and on . . . and it seems that they're gaining some ground.
But then I see them fall, and I have to make a decision . . . What do I do now?
Do I pretend I don't SEE?
Do I shuffle them off onto somebody else because I don't want to be bothered?
(After all, I've got enough of my OWN problems to deal with. I don't have time for this.)
Do I listen to them a bit, but then dismiss their pain, tell them to stop whining about their life, and just put on their big girl panties & deal with it?
One reason this story was so encouraging to me was because it showed me that I don't have to know HOW God is going to gain the victory in my life or in someone else's life. All I need to know is that God's the one with the power and He holds the future in His hands.
Aaron and Hur didn't understand how God's power was flowing through Moses. It must have looked pretty silly to see this old man standing up there on top of the hill waving a stick in the air -- but there's no mention of them questioning the strategy (or seeming lack thereof). They simply went to Moses' side, helped him sit down and rest, and HELD HIM UP through the remainder of the assault, trusting that the outcome was up to God.
What did I learn from this story?
- Life isn't fair. It will get messy. Sometimes I'm going to have to fight my way through.
- As long as I continue to reach heavenward and rely on the Lord, He will give me the ability to deal with anything that comes my way. God will give me the victory.
- There will be times when my strength will give out. Resting is not admitting defeat.
- When I fall, I need to be willing to ALLOW others to hold me up.
- When I see others fall, I need to be ready and willing to go to their side and HOLD THEM UP.
- Sometimes, when the Lord works a miracle and wins a mighty victory, it's a good idea to write it down so you don't forget it.
Dear Lord,
Help me to be ever watchful of those who may be weak and need someone to help hold them up for awhile. And help me not to be so proud that I refuse the help that others offer me when I'm the one in need of assistance. Please help me remember that we're all in this together. We're all brothers and sisters in the Lord. Not one of us is better or worse than another. In your eyes, we are all precious. I thank you and praise you for giving us the VICTORY over sin. Guide us as we navigate this treacherous wilderness of life, and lead us safely to that glorious promised land in Heaven, I pray.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Is Abuse God's Way of Punishing Someone?
Okay, so I know this maybe sounds like an odd topic for a blog post, but I must admit that I seriously thought for years that my ex-husband's abuse was God's way of punishing me for past sins. After 3 or 4 years of abuse, though, I began to wonder, "haven't I suffered enough already? At what point have I sufficiently "paid the price" for my sins?" It's not that I didn't believe in Jesus and his saving atonement on the cross. I did. I truly believed that I had been forgiven for my sins. However, I had been raised to believe that there are natural consequences for all of one's choices -- i.e. "you reap what you sow."
Let's go back a few years. You see, in my late teenage years, I wasn't exactly walking with the Lord as I should have been. I was "sowing my wild oats," so to speak. I wasn't doing drugs or anything like that, but pretty much anything else that you can think of . . . drinking, smoking, sex, etc. You might say I was a "bad girl." So when I first met my ex-husband, he and I were a perfect match (of sorts). He was a party animal and I liked to party.
Fast forward 3-4 years. At this point, the abuse in my marriage had already gotten fairly severe and frequent. I remember thinking to myself, "what have I done to deserve this?" And then my conscience would kick in and say, "you're just reaping what you've sown."
I remember praying and sobbing before the Lord, begging for Him to release me from what I felt was the "curse" of my sin. I spent hours reading the scriptures, desperately seeking an answer to the question of why I was still suffering as I was. The only conclusion that I could come to at that time was that either:
a) God didn't exist,
b) God didn't care, or
c) God wasn't powerful enough to do anything about it.
I did eventually come to some sort of an "understanding" with God. I wouldn't question why He was allowing the suffering and He would keep me from losing my marbles. Over the years, Jesus grew to be a very close friend (often my only friend) and I depended on Him for my very survival.
Now fast forward even farther to today. Our pastor has been preaching a series of sermons on God's will. Specifically, the topic this morning was a continuation of last week's sermon about how God allows suffering and even PUNISHES His children to keep them in line. There were the necessary scriptures read to support this. The topic piqued my interest, so I spent the better part of the afternoon searching through an online concordance reading everything I could in the Bible about suffering and punishment. I had some questions, such as:
Does God "punish" sinners and 'saints' alike? Does God punish anyone and everyone? Is suffering a result of sin? Is suffering something we should be thankful for (because it causes us to "lean on God" more & brings us closer to him)? and several others. The first few verses that I considered were:
Hebrews 12:5-11 New Life Version (NLV)"Do you remember what God said to you when He called you His sons? “My son, listen when the Lord punishes you. Do not give up when He tells you what you must do. The Lord punishes everyone He loves. He whips every son He receives.” Do not give up when you are punished by God. Be willing to take it, knowing that God is teaching you as a son. Is there a father who does not punish his son sometimes? If you are not punished as all sons are, it means that you are not a true son of God. You are not a part of His family and He is not your Father. Remember that our fathers on earth punished us. We had respect for them. How much more should we obey our Father in heaven and live? For a little while our fathers on earth punished us when they thought they should. But God punishes us for our good so we will be holy as He is holy. There is no joy while we are being punished. It is hard to take, but later we can see that good came from it. And it gives us the peace of being right with God." (so does this mean God was using the abuse to teach me something? Was I THAT slow of a learner that it took 15 years for me to "get it" or what?)
and Revelation 3:19New L ife Version (NLV)
"I speak strong words to those I love and I punish them." (So God DOES punish those He loves.)
and Hebrews 12:25 New Life Version (NLV)
"Be sure you listen to the One Who is speaking to you. The Jews did not obey when God’s Law was given to them on earth. They did not go free. They were punished. We will be punished more if we do not listen to God as He speaks from heaven."
The more I thought about it, I'm wasn't so sure I even wanted to know a God like that. Those verses made it sound like God is just waiting for us to mess up so He can pummel us.
Then in John 10:28 New Life Version (NLV), I read:
"I give them life that lasts forever. They will never be punished. No one is able to take them out of My hand."
and in Romans 1:16 New Life Version (NLV), I read:
"I am not ashamed of the Good News. It is the power of God. It is the way He saves men from the punishment of their sins if they put their trust in Him."
So how is it that God can both punish us and save us from punishment?
The Old Testament wasn't too helpful:
Naomi proclaimed in Ruth 1:21 - “The All-powerful has allowed me to suffer.” Job complained in
Job 7:3 - “I am given months of pain and nights of suffering for no reason.”
And no less than a dozen times in Leviticus and Numbers does it say that one will "suffer for their own sins."
So does that mean that suffering indicates sin in one's life? But how can that be? Job, according to the Bible, was a righteous man.
The Psalms were a mixed bag:
Psalm 1:5 “So the sinful will not stand. They will be told they are guilty and have to suffer for it. Sinners will not stand with those who are right with God.” (sounds like it's only the "sinners" that suffer)
Psalm 9:9 “The Lord also keeps safe those who suffer. He is a safe place in times of trouble.” (so if only the sinners suffer, why would God keep them safe? Apparently, the righteous suffer as well. Either way, where was God when I was suffering? He certainly wasn't keeping me safe.)
Psalm 9:12 “For He Who punishes for the blood of another remembers them. He does not forget the cry of those who suffer.” (I don't recall him punishing my ex for what he did. And he certainly didn't listen to my cries -- at least not right away.)
Psalm 12:5 “Because of the suffering of the weak, and because of the cries of the poor, I will now rise up,” says the Lord. “I will keep him safe as he has wanted to be.” (Yeah, again, I don't recall God keeping me safe.)
Psalm 22:24 “For He has not turned away from the suffering of the one in pain or trouble. He has not hidden His face from him. But He has heard his cry for help.” (Sure. Like I buy that one. Many years I prayed and cried for help, and God never did a doggone thing to help me.)
Psalm 73: 13-14: "For no good reason I have kept my heart pure and have not sinned. For I have suffered all day long. I have been punished every morning." (That's how I felt. That I had returned to the Lord, changed my ways, repented of my sins, and STILL I was being "punished" by my Ex's abuse day after day.)
Psalm 88:15 “I have been troubled and near death since I was young. I have suffered Your punishment. And I cannot win.” (What a GEM of a verse. Here is David, of whom God said "He's a man after my own heart" admitting that God has punished him and essentially saying that he "gives up.")
Psalm 90:15 “Make us glad for as many days as You have made us suffer, and for the years we have seen trouble.” (another winner from David -- so we're supposed to rejoice in the fact that God makes us suffer and causes us years of trouble?)
Psalm 107:6
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He took them out of their suffering.
Psalm 107:13
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them from their suffering.
Psalm 107:19
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them from their suffering.
(Those 3 are virtually identical. God saves us from our suffering? Maybe so, but apparently, God's "rescue" is on His timing and not ours. And in some cases, I guess His "rescue" may not ever come in this lifetime. Some seemingly innocent and good and even Godly people live their whole lives with physical illness and trials and the only escape they get is when they die.)
Psalm 119:66-67 - "Teach me what I should know to be right and fair for I believe in Your Law. Before I suffered I went the wrong way, but now I obey Your Word." (That sounds like me when I first began to realize that maybe the abuse was a result of my earlier sins, so I changed my ways and began "obeying the word." It didn't matter one bit. The terror went on as usual.)
Psalm 119:153 "Look upon my suffering and take me from it. For I do not forget Your Law." (That sounds like some of the bargaining that I did with God along the way. "Why, Lord, why? I'm following You word, I'm doing what's right now. Why is my suffering still continuing?")
I won't bother listing the rest of the verses that say pretty much the same thing. I used to read them over and over again, desperately wanting to believe that this GREAT GOD I served was going to come and rescue me.
Well, He did, but ironically in the form of a Jewish agency. And it only took Him 14-15 years to get around to doing it. But I did learn some lessons along the way. Lessons that I probably wouldn't have learned any other way. And now I can relate to others who have suffered under similar circumstances that I never could have empathized with before.
I suppose it sounds like I've completely given up on my faith. That's not true. I do have a solid faith in an Almighty God. I just don't always understand His ways or His timing. And I may not ever understand what He's up to until I get to Heaven. If there is a Heaven (I'm only kidding). One thing I'm sure of . . . there is a Hell . . . and I've lived in it . . .
Let's go back a few years. You see, in my late teenage years, I wasn't exactly walking with the Lord as I should have been. I was "sowing my wild oats," so to speak. I wasn't doing drugs or anything like that, but pretty much anything else that you can think of . . . drinking, smoking, sex, etc. You might say I was a "bad girl." So when I first met my ex-husband, he and I were a perfect match (of sorts). He was a party animal and I liked to party.
Fast forward 3-4 years. At this point, the abuse in my marriage had already gotten fairly severe and frequent. I remember thinking to myself, "what have I done to deserve this?" And then my conscience would kick in and say, "you're just reaping what you've sown."
I remember praying and sobbing before the Lord, begging for Him to release me from what I felt was the "curse" of my sin. I spent hours reading the scriptures, desperately seeking an answer to the question of why I was still suffering as I was. The only conclusion that I could come to at that time was that either:
a) God didn't exist,
b) God didn't care, or
c) God wasn't powerful enough to do anything about it.
I did eventually come to some sort of an "understanding" with God. I wouldn't question why He was allowing the suffering and He would keep me from losing my marbles. Over the years, Jesus grew to be a very close friend (often my only friend) and I depended on Him for my very survival.
Now fast forward even farther to today. Our pastor has been preaching a series of sermons on God's will. Specifically, the topic this morning was a continuation of last week's sermon about how God allows suffering and even PUNISHES His children to keep them in line. There were the necessary scriptures read to support this. The topic piqued my interest, so I spent the better part of the afternoon searching through an online concordance reading everything I could in the Bible about suffering and punishment. I had some questions, such as:
Does God "punish" sinners and 'saints' alike? Does God punish anyone and everyone? Is suffering a result of sin? Is suffering something we should be thankful for (because it causes us to "lean on God" more & brings us closer to him)? and several others. The first few verses that I considered were:
Hebrews 12:5-11 New Life Version (NLV)"Do you remember what God said to you when He called you His sons? “My son, listen when the Lord punishes you. Do not give up when He tells you what you must do. The Lord punishes everyone He loves. He whips every son He receives.” Do not give up when you are punished by God. Be willing to take it, knowing that God is teaching you as a son. Is there a father who does not punish his son sometimes? If you are not punished as all sons are, it means that you are not a true son of God. You are not a part of His family and He is not your Father. Remember that our fathers on earth punished us. We had respect for them. How much more should we obey our Father in heaven and live? For a little while our fathers on earth punished us when they thought they should. But God punishes us for our good so we will be holy as He is holy. There is no joy while we are being punished. It is hard to take, but later we can see that good came from it. And it gives us the peace of being right with God." (so does this mean God was using the abuse to teach me something? Was I THAT slow of a learner that it took 15 years for me to "get it" or what?)
and Revelation 3:19New L ife Version (NLV)
"I speak strong words to those I love and I punish them." (So God DOES punish those He loves.)
and Hebrews 12:25 New Life Version (NLV)
"Be sure you listen to the One Who is speaking to you. The Jews did not obey when God’s Law was given to them on earth. They did not go free. They were punished. We will be punished more if we do not listen to God as He speaks from heaven."
The more I thought about it, I'm wasn't so sure I even wanted to know a God like that. Those verses made it sound like God is just waiting for us to mess up so He can pummel us.
Then in John 10:28 New Life Version (NLV), I read:
"I give them life that lasts forever. They will never be punished. No one is able to take them out of My hand."
and in Romans 1:16 New Life Version (NLV), I read:
"I am not ashamed of the Good News. It is the power of God. It is the way He saves men from the punishment of their sins if they put their trust in Him."
So how is it that God can both punish us and save us from punishment?
The Old Testament wasn't too helpful:
Naomi proclaimed in Ruth 1:21 - “The All-powerful has allowed me to suffer.” Job complained in
Job 7:3 - “I am given months of pain and nights of suffering for no reason.”
And no less than a dozen times in Leviticus and Numbers does it say that one will "suffer for their own sins."
So does that mean that suffering indicates sin in one's life? But how can that be? Job, according to the Bible, was a righteous man.
The Psalms were a mixed bag:
Psalm 1:5 “So the sinful will not stand. They will be told they are guilty and have to suffer for it. Sinners will not stand with those who are right with God.” (sounds like it's only the "sinners" that suffer)
Psalm 9:9 “The Lord also keeps safe those who suffer. He is a safe place in times of trouble.” (so if only the sinners suffer, why would God keep them safe? Apparently, the righteous suffer as well. Either way, where was God when I was suffering? He certainly wasn't keeping me safe.)
Psalm 9:12 “For He Who punishes for the blood of another remembers them. He does not forget the cry of those who suffer.” (I don't recall him punishing my ex for what he did. And he certainly didn't listen to my cries -- at least not right away.)
Psalm 12:5 “Because of the suffering of the weak, and because of the cries of the poor, I will now rise up,” says the Lord. “I will keep him safe as he has wanted to be.” (Yeah, again, I don't recall God keeping me safe.)
Psalm 22:24 “For He has not turned away from the suffering of the one in pain or trouble. He has not hidden His face from him. But He has heard his cry for help.” (Sure. Like I buy that one. Many years I prayed and cried for help, and God never did a doggone thing to help me.)
Psalm 73: 13-14: "For no good reason I have kept my heart pure and have not sinned. For I have suffered all day long. I have been punished every morning." (That's how I felt. That I had returned to the Lord, changed my ways, repented of my sins, and STILL I was being "punished" by my Ex's abuse day after day.)
Psalm 88:15 “I have been troubled and near death since I was young. I have suffered Your punishment. And I cannot win.” (What a GEM of a verse. Here is David, of whom God said "He's a man after my own heart" admitting that God has punished him and essentially saying that he "gives up.")
Psalm 90:15 “Make us glad for as many days as You have made us suffer, and for the years we have seen trouble.” (another winner from David -- so we're supposed to rejoice in the fact that God makes us suffer and causes us years of trouble?)
Psalm 107:6
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He took them out of their suffering.
Psalm 107:13
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them from their suffering.
Psalm 107:19
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them from their suffering.
(Those 3 are virtually identical. God saves us from our suffering? Maybe so, but apparently, God's "rescue" is on His timing and not ours. And in some cases, I guess His "rescue" may not ever come in this lifetime. Some seemingly innocent and good and even Godly people live their whole lives with physical illness and trials and the only escape they get is when they die.)
Psalm 119:66-67 - "Teach me what I should know to be right and fair for I believe in Your Law. Before I suffered I went the wrong way, but now I obey Your Word." (That sounds like me when I first began to realize that maybe the abuse was a result of my earlier sins, so I changed my ways and began "obeying the word." It didn't matter one bit. The terror went on as usual.)
Psalm 119:153 "Look upon my suffering and take me from it. For I do not forget Your Law." (That sounds like some of the bargaining that I did with God along the way. "Why, Lord, why? I'm following You word, I'm doing what's right now. Why is my suffering still continuing?")
I won't bother listing the rest of the verses that say pretty much the same thing. I used to read them over and over again, desperately wanting to believe that this GREAT GOD I served was going to come and rescue me.
Well, He did, but ironically in the form of a Jewish agency. And it only took Him 14-15 years to get around to doing it. But I did learn some lessons along the way. Lessons that I probably wouldn't have learned any other way. And now I can relate to others who have suffered under similar circumstances that I never could have empathized with before.
I suppose it sounds like I've completely given up on my faith. That's not true. I do have a solid faith in an Almighty God. I just don't always understand His ways or His timing. And I may not ever understand what He's up to until I get to Heaven. If there is a Heaven (I'm only kidding). One thing I'm sure of . . . there is a Hell . . . and I've lived in it . . .
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Keep to Yourself (sonnet)
Never let them see deep inside your soul.
Don't let them see you cry a single tear.
Never look too broken; always look whole,
Show your courage, but never show your fear.
Don't let them know how close you really are
To falling completely apart right now.
Hide every weakness, hide ev'ry scar,
Hide your pathetic self, no matter how.
Always put on your very best "brave face,"
Don't let them see the fear that's in you eyes.
Put old memories in their proper place,
And when pain comes back up, don't be surprised.
The only way to keep the dream alive
Is keep to yourself and try to survive.
Don't let them see you cry a single tear.
Never look too broken; always look whole,
Show your courage, but never show your fear.
Don't let them know how close you really are
To falling completely apart right now.
Hide every weakness, hide ev'ry scar,
Hide your pathetic self, no matter how.
Always put on your very best "brave face,"
Don't let them see the fear that's in you eyes.
Put old memories in their proper place,
And when pain comes back up, don't be surprised.
The only way to keep the dream alive
Is keep to yourself and try to survive.
Reality Check (article)
I found an old entry that I wrote back when I was still together with my Ex. I'm just including it here to show how far we've come. I had almost forgotten how unpredictable day-to-day life was living with him, how afraid we all were . . . almost . . . and as I read this, my hair stands on end and all of the old feelings of fear come back up into my throat . . .
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I hear him coming up the stairs. A chill runs up and down my spine. I never know what to expect. Sometimes he's in a really good mood. Other times he just walks in the door and starts screaming at everyone in sight.
The kids and I walk on eggshells constantly.
I switch away from my email that I had been reading on my computer screen. It was just more reminders from creditors that I cannot pay, but I don't need to give him a reason to accuse me of cheating on him yet again. Every time he catches me online, he says I must be chatting with someone, or looking for a replacement for him. I'm so sick of the endless accusations.
The door to the living room opens. He's been drinking again. I can smell it on his breath.
Immediately upon coming through the door, my husband starts yelling and screaming at me:
"You fucking lazy bitch. How can you just SIT there and let them do this? You worthless fucking whore. And I suppose you're online again flirting with all your boyfriends. Here's a fucking idea -- why don't you get your fat ass up and clean around here? This place is a fucking pigsty! It doesn't even look like human beings live here."
[He stomps into the kitchen, still ranting and raving. The racket wakes up my daughter, so he starts in yelling at her. ]
"Why don't you tell your mother to get up off her lazy ass and do something fucking productive for a change? Oh, but no, that would be too NICE. I spend the money to send her to school and does she get a job? No, she just sits there on her FAT ASS and wastes time all day long. She's a pathetic excuse for a mother. . . . .
[some more mumbling and cursing]
Fucking Pigsty!"
He continues to go on a tirade about how if we would all do thus and such we wouldn't "make" him get so upset; and how HE wanted his life to be, and how we're all "ruining it for him."
I so wish I had a million dollars so I could just pack up and leave him. I want to have a cozy house with a picket fence.
I'm so tired of holding my children while they cry, and hearing them say "Why did you pick HIM to be our Daddy?" and trying to explain to them why life isn't always fair . . . and that I love them so much . . . and that someday things will be different.
I don't know if things will be different . . . or at least I don't know HOW I can change things.
I am so tired of seeing all the "happy families" that seem like they're so perfect and have everything together.
I'm sure they have their secret struggles too, but what I wouldn't give to feel secure and loved . . . to not constantly wonder what he'll say or do NEXT . . .
I feel like I'm drowning . . .
. . . I feel so alone . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hear him coming up the stairs. A chill runs up and down my spine. I never know what to expect. Sometimes he's in a really good mood. Other times he just walks in the door and starts screaming at everyone in sight.
The kids and I walk on eggshells constantly.
I switch away from my email that I had been reading on my computer screen. It was just more reminders from creditors that I cannot pay, but I don't need to give him a reason to accuse me of cheating on him yet again. Every time he catches me online, he says I must be chatting with someone, or looking for a replacement for him. I'm so sick of the endless accusations.
The door to the living room opens. He's been drinking again. I can smell it on his breath.
Immediately upon coming through the door, my husband starts yelling and screaming at me:
"You fucking lazy bitch. How can you just SIT there and let them do this? You worthless fucking whore. And I suppose you're online again flirting with all your boyfriends. Here's a fucking idea -- why don't you get your fat ass up and clean around here? This place is a fucking pigsty! It doesn't even look like human beings live here."
[He stomps into the kitchen, still ranting and raving. The racket wakes up my daughter, so he starts in yelling at her. ]
"Why don't you tell your mother to get up off her lazy ass and do something fucking productive for a change? Oh, but no, that would be too NICE. I spend the money to send her to school and does she get a job? No, she just sits there on her FAT ASS and wastes time all day long. She's a pathetic excuse for a mother. . . . .
[some more mumbling and cursing]
Fucking Pigsty!"
He continues to go on a tirade about how if we would all do thus and such we wouldn't "make" him get so upset; and how HE wanted his life to be, and how we're all "ruining it for him."
I so wish I had a million dollars so I could just pack up and leave him. I want to have a cozy house with a picket fence.
I'm so tired of holding my children while they cry, and hearing them say "Why did you pick HIM to be our Daddy?" and trying to explain to them why life isn't always fair . . . and that I love them so much . . . and that someday things will be different.
I don't know if things will be different . . . or at least I don't know HOW I can change things.
I am so tired of seeing all the "happy families" that seem like they're so perfect and have everything together.
I'm sure they have their secret struggles too, but what I wouldn't give to feel secure and loved . . . to not constantly wonder what he'll say or do NEXT . . .
I feel like I'm drowning . . .
. . . like I'm trapped . . .
. . . and living in a world that nobody else can see . . .
. . . I feel so alone . . .
Sometimes I wonder if I would have had so many prgnancy losses if things would have been different. I cry sometimes at night when nobody's looking. Yet in a way, I'm relieved . . . I feel guilty enough for bringing 3 children into this mess . . . I can't imagine having 6 more precious children live through this hell. Maybe God in his providence took them from me for a reason. But that doesn't fill the aching void or silence the questions . . .
I don't know how . . . I don't know when . . . but I WILL make a better like for us . . . I will NOT raise my children to think that this is how a father treats his family. This ends with me. One way or another.
------------------------------------------------
(the above entry was written 3 months before the kids and I escaped to a domestic violence shelter)
Friday, February 24, 2012
In My Own Backyard (article)
There are so many causes around the world to which a conscientious person can donate his or her time, money, and energy to. People are suffering every day from disease, from malnutrition, from loneliness, and from abuse and/or neglect. Almost every time I open the newspaper or turn on the radio, I hear pleas from various human interest groups to sponsor this or that poor people-group in some distant place. These well-meaning organizations repeat time and time again how far one's donations can go to help those in need -- and prattle on and on about what a difference one's assistance can make in the lives of these people. We see their pictures posted on the television and it truly pulls on our heartstrings.
There is no denying the fact that there may be people starving in various places. Their plight ought not to be minimized, nor their needs ignored. But what about the people living closest to us?
What about the starving souls that we mindlessly ignore every single day? What about the wounded hearts we pass by without a second thought? Would it be PAINFUL to give someone who looks discouraged kind look or a smile? Are we afraid we'll catch something from them if we give them a hug? What if someone sees us? What will they THINK? Why are we so uncomfortable reaching out to the people that are nearby?
What about the children from broken homes in OUR area who desperately need encouraging positive role models? Would it kill us to spend half an hour playing catch with a kid who doesn't have a real father-figure in his or her life?
Why is it so much easier to give money to feed some unknown people far away than it is to invite someone you don't know to join you for a bite to eat where you live?
Why is it easier to put a 20 dollar bill in an envelope in church and mark it "missions" than it is to drop off a few bags of groceries on someone's doorstep?
How hard would it be, when we see someone paying for a few gallons of gas with loose change, to offer to fill up his or her gas tank?
Why is it so much more prestigious for us to volunteer to support a political candidate or protect the environment than it is to visit a nursing home or retirement community and spend time with older people that don't have friends or family to visit them? We could go visit more often and listen attentively to their stories. It won't kill us ... so what if they smell different or tell the same stories over and over again ... they've lived a lot longer than we have and their insight and wisdom are things that cannot be purchased anywhere at any price. There are some lessons that cannot be learned from a book. Experience teaches ... sometimes painfully ... but it teaches ...
i still don't know all the answers to so many questions. However, I do know that I am ashamed to admit that, all things considered, I am basically a selfish human being. It is so easy for me to become so absorbed with my own problems that I fail to respond to those around me who are crying out for help.
Sure, one could sponsor a child in some far-off place, get a (possibly fake) letter and a picture once a year, and feel like one was doing his or her part to make the world a better place. It's easy, it's convenient, and it's not a totally horrible place to start ... at least one's intentions are in the right place ...
But what about the single parent down the street who's working 3 jobs and still struggling to make ends meet? I suppose we could offer to watch his or her child(ren) for him or her once in awhile ... but they're so rowdy ... and their house is such a mess ... how can they live like that? ... after all, what would we even SAY to them to start with? maybe we don't have much in common with them ... maybe we don't know what their life has been like ... maybe we can't understand them and they can't understand us ... but we'll never know if we don't TRY to reach out to those around us ... we may find out we have more in common with them than we think we do ... there probably aren't any of us that don't know what it feels like to hurt inside and feel confused and not know what we're supposed to do ...
-----------------------------
Oh, Lord God, please open my eyes to the needs of those who are all around me. Give me a servant's heart. Help me stop worrying quite so much about what anybody else will think of me and start focusing instead how I can be a blessing to those around me. Forgive me for taking the "easy" approach to life too many times; help me not be afraid to get my hands dirty if that's what it takes to make a difference. Show me when a hug will be helpful to someone else. Help me to understand when somebody might just need another person to be near them and sit with them in quietness. May I learn to find you in the stillness and live each day with the purpose of helping others without requiring any extra recognition. Help me to look outside of my own problems and be sensitive to the needs of those around me that I come in contact with every day. Let me be your hands and your feet. Use me, Lord, on the mission field in my own backyard. AMEN.
There is no denying the fact that there may be people starving in various places. Their plight ought not to be minimized, nor their needs ignored. But what about the people living closest to us?
What about the starving souls that we mindlessly ignore every single day? What about the wounded hearts we pass by without a second thought? Would it be PAINFUL to give someone who looks discouraged kind look or a smile? Are we afraid we'll catch something from them if we give them a hug? What if someone sees us? What will they THINK? Why are we so uncomfortable reaching out to the people that are nearby?
What about the children from broken homes in OUR area who desperately need encouraging positive role models? Would it kill us to spend half an hour playing catch with a kid who doesn't have a real father-figure in his or her life?
Why is it so much easier to give money to feed some unknown people far away than it is to invite someone you don't know to join you for a bite to eat where you live?
Why is it easier to put a 20 dollar bill in an envelope in church and mark it "missions" than it is to drop off a few bags of groceries on someone's doorstep?
How hard would it be, when we see someone paying for a few gallons of gas with loose change, to offer to fill up his or her gas tank?
Why is it so much more prestigious for us to volunteer to support a political candidate or protect the environment than it is to visit a nursing home or retirement community and spend time with older people that don't have friends or family to visit them? We could go visit more often and listen attentively to their stories. It won't kill us ... so what if they smell different or tell the same stories over and over again ... they've lived a lot longer than we have and their insight and wisdom are things that cannot be purchased anywhere at any price. There are some lessons that cannot be learned from a book. Experience teaches ... sometimes painfully ... but it teaches ...
i still don't know all the answers to so many questions. However, I do know that I am ashamed to admit that, all things considered, I am basically a selfish human being. It is so easy for me to become so absorbed with my own problems that I fail to respond to those around me who are crying out for help.
Sure, one could sponsor a child in some far-off place, get a (possibly fake) letter and a picture once a year, and feel like one was doing his or her part to make the world a better place. It's easy, it's convenient, and it's not a totally horrible place to start ... at least one's intentions are in the right place ...
But what about the single parent down the street who's working 3 jobs and still struggling to make ends meet? I suppose we could offer to watch his or her child(ren) for him or her once in awhile ... but they're so rowdy ... and their house is such a mess ... how can they live like that? ... after all, what would we even SAY to them to start with? maybe we don't have much in common with them ... maybe we don't know what their life has been like ... maybe we can't understand them and they can't understand us ... but we'll never know if we don't TRY to reach out to those around us ... we may find out we have more in common with them than we think we do ... there probably aren't any of us that don't know what it feels like to hurt inside and feel confused and not know what we're supposed to do ...
-----------------------------
Oh, Lord God, please open my eyes to the needs of those who are all around me. Give me a servant's heart. Help me stop worrying quite so much about what anybody else will think of me and start focusing instead how I can be a blessing to those around me. Forgive me for taking the "easy" approach to life too many times; help me not be afraid to get my hands dirty if that's what it takes to make a difference. Show me when a hug will be helpful to someone else. Help me to understand when somebody might just need another person to be near them and sit with them in quietness. May I learn to find you in the stillness and live each day with the purpose of helping others without requiring any extra recognition. Help me to look outside of my own problems and be sensitive to the needs of those around me that I come in contact with every day. Let me be your hands and your feet. Use me, Lord, on the mission field in my own backyard. AMEN.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
La poésie permet mon âme de respires (poème)
Pour mes amis francophones français, je vais essayer d'écrire un poème en français. S'il vous plaît ne vous moquez pas de ma grammaire horrible. Le sujet de ce poème, ironiquement, c'est l'écriture de la poésie elle-même.
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Je peux écrire en espagnol
Je peux écrire en français,
Je peux écrire sur le viol.
Mais je pense toujours en anglais.
Je peux écrire en rouge.
Je peux écrire en bleu.
J'écris comme mes esprit bouge,
Comme si les mots viennent de Dieu.
Il faut de la discipline à trouver
Juste le mot juste.
Il faut de la force de se éprouver,
Mais le processus désincruste.
Parfois, mes mots n'ont aucun sens.
Parfois, mes mots sont inspirés.
Mais toujours, j'écris ce que je ressens.
La poésie permet mon âme de respires.
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Je peux écrire en espagnol
Je peux écrire en français,
Je peux écrire sur le viol.
Mais je pense toujours en anglais.
Je peux écrire en rouge.
Je peux écrire en bleu.
J'écris comme mes esprit bouge,
Comme si les mots viennent de Dieu.
Il faut de la discipline à trouver
Juste le mot juste.
Il faut de la force de se éprouver,
Mais le processus désincruste.
Parfois, mes mots n'ont aucun sens.
Parfois, mes mots sont inspirés.
Mais toujours, j'écris ce que je ressens.
La poésie permet mon âme de respires.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Ay, Dios mío, ¿dónde estabas entonces? (poema)
Con mucho amor para mis amigos que hablan español . . . y con mucha tristeza por estos amigos que han sufrido como yo lo hice . . .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Me siento muy avergonzada de admitir
Que hay cosas que he tenido que concebir
Para hacer que el dolor en mi alma desaparece.
Y a pesar de lo peculiar que parece,
Hice lo que tenía que hacer para sobrevivir.
Me escondí mis gritos dentro de mi cabeza.
Traté de ignorar el olor a cerveza.
Me acosté allí en el silencio y nunca luchar,
A pesar de que mi corazón estaba desabrochar.
Incluso ahora, no puedo escapar de la fiereza.
Ay, Dios mío, ¿dónde estabas entonces?
¿O qué te escondes cuando terrores comiences?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Me siento muy avergonzada de admitir
Que hay cosas que he tenido que concebir
Para hacer que el dolor en mi alma desaparece.
Y a pesar de lo peculiar que parece,
Hice lo que tenía que hacer para sobrevivir.
Me escondí mis gritos dentro de mi cabeza.
Traté de ignorar el olor a cerveza.
Me acosté allí en el silencio y nunca luchar,
A pesar de que mi corazón estaba desabrochar.
Incluso ahora, no puedo escapar de la fiereza.
Ay, Dios mío, ¿dónde estabas entonces?
¿O qué te escondes cuando terrores comiences?
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Then Comes the Night (sonnet)
By day, the sun is shining, oh so bright.
My future seems a promise within reach.
But then daylight fades, I'm frozen by fright,
And I forget all the sermons I preach.
Words are so easy to say and to write;
Acting on them's so much harder to do.
The loneliness creeps on in with the night,
Bringing the melancholy right along.
I struggle to do what I know is right;
It's hard to tell which shades of gray are wrong.
My heart will surely lead my steps astray.
I cannot trust all the things that I feel.
And as pitch darkness overcomes the day,
The pain comes back in waves so very real.
Just when I think I am on the right track,
Then comes the night, and the fear is right back.
My future seems a promise within reach.
But then daylight fades, I'm frozen by fright,
And I forget all the sermons I preach.
Words are so easy to say and to write;
Acting on them's so much harder to do.
The loneliness creeps on in with the night,
Bringing the melancholy right along.
I struggle to do what I know is right;
It's hard to tell which shades of gray are wrong.
My heart will surely lead my steps astray.
I cannot trust all the things that I feel.
And as pitch darkness overcomes the day,
The pain comes back in waves so very real.
Just when I think I am on the right track,
Then comes the night, and the fear is right back.
The Invisible Wounds of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
I did not author the majority of this material, but have simply gathered it in one place for your convenience. I tried to give credit to the original authors whenever possible. I do not personally agree with all of the opinions of these authors, but it's a place to start if you're not familiar with this topic at all.
Don't have time to read it all? (it is rather lengthy)
Scroll to the bottom of this article for links to other resources!
Make sure you complete the "abuse quiz" partway down the page, either for yourself or for "a friend."
Don't have time to read it all? (it is rather lengthy)
Scroll to the bottom of this article for links to other resources!
Make sure you complete the "abuse quiz" partway down the page, either for yourself or for "a friend."
Content by Laura Wilkinson & Cheryl Lewis
Every day we hear of court cases that involve men who have either killed or maimed their wives. At the worst, they have beaten them to death, stabbed or shot them, or at the least, they have inflicted bruises and broken bones. That is what is known as physical abuse. It is very common, and is becoming more publicized every day. There are movies made on the topic, and laws designed to protect the victims. This is the abuse that you can actually see. What I want to talk about is the abuse that you don’t see. It is called emotional, mental, or verbal abuse. It is just as bad, or perhaps worse, than physical abuse. This abuse chips away at the very essence of a person. This abuse makes the victim believe there is no hope for any better life. This abuse is not readily visible. There are no bruises, no broken bones, and no Band-Aids. There are few, if any, laws designed to protect the victim. Many times, the victim feels she must have done something to deserve the hurt, and no one tells her differently. The pain inflicted by this type of abuse causes much more damage than fists, and it takes much longer to recover from verbal abuse. The woman who is suffering from verbal abuse is not so easily recognized. She is the one who appears to be trying very hard to please her mate, or makes excuses for the embarrassing moments, or explains time after time why they are late, or why they inexplicably just didn’t show up. This woman may have a very tired or sad or wary expression on her face, and she looks as though she is waiting for something terrible to happen. She has learned that something terrible may very well be right around the next corner.
Fortunately, there is a way to fight it. Once the victim begins to see the abuse, when she begins to recognize the abuse for what it is, when she realizes that he is simply putting her down to cover his own insecurities, she will then have the ability to fight the lies. She will have the ability to learn to refuse to accept his hurting words. She will have the ability to learn to say, "NO, You can’t say that to or about me." By doing so, she will find that he is basically a schoolyard bully who only picks on those who are smaller than he is (notice I did not use the word "weaker." I don't think a woman is weak in this situation, which I will explain later).
I was verbally and emotionally abused. For fourteen years I was married to a man who berated me daily, told me I was too old to go back to school and earn a degree, too fat to get a job, too stupid to raise our children “right,” too lazy to clean the house and do the laundry, and on and on. I learned to refuse to accept his lies. I learned to tune out his hurtful words. I want to share those techniques with you, and give you resources to find the ways to break free from the abuse that you or someone you know and love are suffering. I was able to get out of the situation and today I am strong and independent.
Most of what I will share with you initially is information that I learned from reading several books that I will tell you about. I will give you ways to respond to him that will eventually take back what he has taken from you; this is something I call your "self." When you learn that he is saying these things only because he wants to have "power over" you, that he wants to take away what is called your "personal power," you will find yourself hungry to hear more, read more, learn more. And you will suddenly realize that you are angry, not only with him for inflicting this pain upon you, but also angry with yourself for allowing it to happen. I will show you how to use your anger effectively, to turn it into your friend, and to make it help you break free.
Read on below and take the quiz to see if your relationship is verbally abusive. Yes, it is painful sometimes to face reality. It is painful to suddenly realize that the man who says he loves you actually has no concept of love. It is painful to learn that you have lost those months and years to his nonsense, but it is wonderful to learn that you have so much ahead of you. It is wonderful to learn that you are worth so much and that you have so much to share with the world. I hope you join me. May you have peace.
Take the Abuse Quiz!
This is a list of abusive behaviors that you (or your "friend") might be experiencing right now. Look at this list; be honest with your answers. No one else is looking. Don’t answer them with, "yes, but. . ." Just answer yes or no to these questions. Then we'll talk about them at the bottom.
Does your spouse or significant other:
1. hit, punch, slap, shove, or bite you?
2. threaten to hurt you or your children?
3. threaten to hurt friends or family members?
4. have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
5. behave in an overprotective manner?
6. become jealous without reason?
7. prevent you from seeing family or friends?
8. prevent you from going where you want, when you want?
9. prevent you from working or attending school?
10. destroy personal property or sentimental items?
11. deny you access to family assets (bank accounts, credit cards, or the car)?
12. control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
13. force you to have sex against your will?
14. force or manipulate you to engage in sexual acts you do not enjoy?
15. insult you or call you derogatory names?
16. use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
17. humiliate you in front of your children?
18. turn minor incidents into major arguments?
19. abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
20. withhold affection from you?
Now, if you were honest and answered them truthfully, here is a statement that might shock you.
If you answered YES to even ONE of those questions,
YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!
I realize that you may have said, "well, yes, but he does it because he loves me, or because he worries about me, or he doesn't realize he's doing it." I want to take each one of those "justifications" and show you why it's just an excuse.
First of all, there is never any acceptable reason for physically hurting you. Not "oh I didn't mean to" or "you just took it wrong." Not even "it was an accident," especially if it happens repeatedly.
As far as threats are concerned, threats are a means to coerce you into submission to what HE wants you to do. No human should be forced into doing anything they don't want to do. If he threatens to hurt you or your children or your family or even your pet, he is trying to MAKE you do what he wants. There is no acceptable excuse in the world to justify that one.
If he's prone to outbursts of anger and jealousy, these are also methods of "keeping you in line." He knows that you will adjust YOUR behavior in an attempt to prevent HIM from acting in such a way. Being overprotective is simply a way to control what you do, by saying "oh I just don't want you to get hurt." You are a big girl. You can handle yourself - he just wants you to think you can't.
If he is preventing you from seeing family or friends, or from going to school or work, this is a means to keep you to himself, away from their positive influence. He knows deep inside that if you find out there is a normal world out there, he will probably lose his control over you. So he says "those people are crazy; they just want to hurt you/us; they just don't like me; they're trying to poison you against me." Sound familiar?
Breaking or throwing away your things is a way to hurt you. He knows what you care about, so he will mess it up. Plain and simple. Imagine working hours on a term paper, only to go to the store and come back to find the computer inexplicably turned off and nothing saved. It's all calculated to make you nuts!
Controlling finances and making you account for every penny is just more of the same. He is showing you "who's the boss." You know you are perfectly capable of balancing that checkbook, but he turns it around into a federal case if you ask to do it, saying you don't trust him.
Forcing you to have sex against your will, or do things that you don't feel comfortable with, insulting you, calling you names, making fun of you in public - these are all ways to make you subconsciously feel like you are not good enough. These are things that chip away at your inner self and eventually make you think, well maybe he's right.
But let me tell you: he's not. He is so wrong. You are a human being, and as a human being you have rights and freedoms. You have the right to be loved and to be respected; you have the right to come and go when you want and where you want. You have the right to have friends and family - - and the right spend time with them as well. You are not his personal property. There is nothing right about threatening you, or making fun of you, or forcing you to do things you don't want - or not letting you do things you DO want to do.
This is very important: You may have said, "Yes, he does this or that, but it's only because he loves me, or because he is afraid of what might happen to me." In a healthy relationship, your partner will encourage and support and trust you that you can handle yourself, that you will not go off with another man, that you can make grown-up decisions. For example, this weekend I am going off to Kentucky (we live in Dallas) to meet for the first time two wonderful friends that I have been writing to for quite some time now. We are going to have fun, act like silly teenagers, and enjoy meeting each other face to face. My hubby is completely supportive of this trip. His only caution has been "don't forget to take lots of pictures - it's beautiful out there this time of year." My ex-husband would not even let me go see my family, who lived six hours away from us. What I am trying to say is that in a healthy relationship, there is no need for either partner to be worried about the other being unfaithful, or hoarding money, or lying or any of those things he accuses you of. In a healthy relationship there is love, respect, trust and laughter, not control, manipulation, mistrust, and uncertainty.
If you see yourself in any of this, or if you have a "Friend" who might see herself in these descriptions, please read on.
The Truth about ThreatsAuthor: Laura Wilkinson
Verbal abusers use the power of threats to control their victims. I know. My ex used to threaten me daily with a vast variety of "you'd better... or I'll... " He had his favorites. He would threaten to leave, and take the kids with him. He would threaten to "fix" my car so I couldn't go anywhere. He would threaten to burn my clothes, again to prevent me leaving. He would tell me he was going to rip the telephone out if I talked to certain people on the phone. When I finally decided to go back to school, he threatened to burn my books and homework. I'm sure you are also experiencing some of these, or variations on them.
The thing about threats is this: they are JUST THREATS. Think of every movie you've ever seen that has some kind of bully in it. Now think of the "good guy" who ends up standing up to the bully. What happens? THE BULLY GIVES IN. The typical abuser is just a scared little boy in a man's body. Generally speaking, if you call his bluff, he won't do much of what he's been threatening to do all this time. He may create a new threat, but once the old threats lose their "oomph" he goes on to a new one.
**IMPORTANT NOTE: The afore-mentioned logic about calling others' bluffs applies to probably 90 out of 100 verbal abusers. There are always exceptions, and if you are living with one of them, by now you already KNOW he will follow through with his threats. If your partner is one whose threats turn to action, you need to seek safety IMMEDIATELY when you are threatened, because the verbal abuse WILL escalate to physical abuse very quickly.**
For example: my ex told me that he didn't want me to have this one certain friend. He said she was the reason our marriage was in such a mess. Our friendship was based on our two daughters being in the same Girl Scout troop (of which I was the leader). He told me that if he found out I'd been talking to her, he'd "fix" my car so it wouldn't start. So for several weeks, I avoided her, making excuses as to why I couldn't go have coffee with her, etc. For that time, our marriage was very "honeymoon," all because he had once again gotten his way. Finally, I decided that there was simply no reason for me NOT to have this friend, since she really had no influence on me one way or the other, so I began seeing her again. He found out, and again mentioned "fixing" the car. I told him, "Go ahead. I'll walk or take the bus, or I'll get YOUR FRIEND (who was a mechanic) to help me fix it."
Now, a funny thing happened when I did that. He simply STOPPED talking about the car! He didn't touch it. I got to thinking about it, and I realized that once the threat lost it's power over me (by telling him SURE GO AHEAD), he no longer used that threat. Oh, he found other ways to torment me, but not with that particular one!
So what I did was this: one by one, I began calling his bluff on some of his threats, basically conducting almost an experiment to see just how far I could go. And do you know, before I was done, nearly all of his threats were just so much smoke? It was amazing. He didn't threaten to burn my books after I told him that I could just get new ones - BETTER ones even! He didn't threaten to burn my clothes any more once I pointed out that I needed new clothes anyway. He no longer threatened to rip out the telephone when I told him the neighbor had already agreed to allow me use her phone. As for the big one, "I'm leaving and taking the kids with me," it was the scariest and worst gamble. I solved that one by showing him all the diapers and baby bottles and medicines and all the STUFF that he should not forget to take with him to take care of a year-old baby, a three-year old toddler, and a six-year old in kindergarten. I recently told a very dear friend whose husband is threatening to take her kids away from her that unless he can prove her unfit (such as drug or alcohol abuse, or neglect or something of that nature) there are few if any states in this country who will give the kids to the father over the mother. It just doesn't happen. Once she got past that fear, the rest is fairly easy!
The thing I'm trying to get at here is this: a bully uses his words to exert power over you. When you take away that power, he loses that weapon. He may create new ones, but stay with it and eventually you will see that he is just a scared little boy, using his threats to make you do what he wants.
Specific Abuser Tactics:
Author: Laura Wilkinson
First of all, let me say that every single bit of information that you will read here is from The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I have repeatedly mentioned this book and highly recommend that you read it. It is THE book that "set me free" above all else. Credit must be given to Mrs. Evans, because it was her words that turned on MY "lightbulb." I hope she does the same for you.
Diverting
The behavior that my own ex was especially skillful at is called "diverting," or "blocking." This is the one where you ask what you consider a simple, forthright question, and suddenly find yourself in the middle of a verbal battle and ON THE DEFENSIVE. For example, one evening I had scheduled a group study at the home of a friend, so I reminded him in the morning not to be late, since I could not take the kids with me. Of course, he didn't get home until after midnight. So when he walked in, I asked him "Why did you not come home? I told you I was supposed to go over to Mary's house" etc. Instead of answering my question with "I had to work" or even "I didn't feel like coming home" he started telling me about how I didn't trust him to have a few beers with the guys, why did I always give him the third degree, that I always got to go and do what I wanted... and here I am, denying all of it, saying "oh no, honey I didn't mean it that way; I only meant that we had a study group tonight and I thought I told you this morning." Etc etc ad nauseum.
You see? He was clearly responsible for me not making it to the study group, and yet I found myself feeling guilty for even considering going, and explaining (yet again) what I really meant by the question! This is a typical abuser tactic; DIVERT attention away from himself, from the real issue, BLOCK the fact that it is absolutely, without a doubt, HIS FAULT. He has successfully redirected your attention away from the fact that he was wrong, and put you on the defensive.
So what do you do? It's very simple, really. But so very hard. You just wait until he's done ranting, then look at him and calmly, clearly ask the question again! "Why did you not come home like I asked you to?" He will of course continue to go on and on, but wait - then ask it again. DO NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to explain your question, don't tell him why you are asking it, don't even rephrase it (sometimes we wonder if maybe he didn't understand the question - believe me, he did). Just calmly, firmly repeat your question until he either answers it or he tells you he's not going to answer it (that is not diverting - you have an answer, even if it's not the one you wanted). Of course, you may have to just give it up, knowing that he doesn't want to answer, but at least you have not fallen into the trap that he has set for you, where you are denying that you don't trust him, that you "just wanted to go over to Mary's." You are not explaining yourself, trying to make him understand you. It takes practice, but it's very much worth the effort, the concentration.
Try it next time. Just for fun. See what happens. This particular tactic on your part won't threaten him any more than anything else you do, but it will give you a sense of power that you have not "lost" this one battle. You have not begun to explain your question, why you need to know, or why it is important to you. And when you start to feel somewhat powerful, the rest will come easier and easier!
Accusing
You see? He was clearly responsible for me not making it to the study group, and yet I found myself feeling guilty for even considering going, and explaining (yet again) what I really meant by the question! This is a typical abuser tactic; DIVERT attention away from himself, from the real issue, BLOCK the fact that it is absolutely, without a doubt, HIS FAULT. He has successfully redirected your attention away from the fact that he was wrong, and put you on the defensive.
So what do you do? It's very simple, really. But so very hard. You just wait until he's done ranting, then look at him and calmly, clearly ask the question again! "Why did you not come home like I asked you to?" He will of course continue to go on and on, but wait - then ask it again. DO NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to explain your question, don't tell him why you are asking it, don't even rephrase it (sometimes we wonder if maybe he didn't understand the question - believe me, he did). Just calmly, firmly repeat your question until he either answers it or he tells you he's not going to answer it (that is not diverting - you have an answer, even if it's not the one you wanted). Of course, you may have to just give it up, knowing that he doesn't want to answer, but at least you have not fallen into the trap that he has set for you, where you are denying that you don't trust him, that you "just wanted to go over to Mary's." You are not explaining yourself, trying to make him understand you. It takes practice, but it's very much worth the effort, the concentration.
Try it next time. Just for fun. See what happens. This particular tactic on your part won't threaten him any more than anything else you do, but it will give you a sense of power that you have not "lost" this one battle. You have not begun to explain your question, why you need to know, or why it is important to you. And when you start to feel somewhat powerful, the rest will come easier and easier!
Accusing
Most abusers have a favorite tactic, one that they use consistently. This seems to be one that I hear a lot of: the accusation. Have you ever had to "convince" your partner that you have not been having an affair with someone, or that when you go to your mom's that you are REALLY going to your mom's, and not meeting an old boyfriend? These accusations seem ridiculous to us. A simple trip to the grocery store becomes an ordeal. Here is a personal example from my own experience and every word of it true: When we first got together I shopped at the same grocery store all the time, saw the same faces, said hello to the same people all the time. There was one bag-boy who always spoke to me in particular, and one day he asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I just told him "my husband probably wouldn't like that," and that was the end of it. I still shopped there, and he still spoke to me. We moved away for several years, and when we moved back, I began shopping at the same store. Well, the "bagboy" was now an assistant manager. I went home and said, "Guess who's moving up in the world!" My (ex)husband said, "Who?" so I told him the story of the bagboy who had asked me out. Bad move. From that moment on, I could not go to the store without being accused of sneaking into the stockroom for a quickie! And there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to convince him of how ridiculous that was. I would take the kids with me, and be accused of leaving them with a friend on the way and telling them to lie for me!
If this or something similar has happened to you, then you know what I am talking about. Things that to you and I are simply everyday, ordinary things become ordeals to be explained, explained, and explained yet again. And we sit there, dumbfounded, wondering where in the world did he come up with that?! Fortunately, Patricia Evans, in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, gives us some ideas on how to respond to these insane accusations.
When your spouse accuses of you of something, our first HUMAN response is to deny it. Denying only serves to "prove him right," at least in his mind. So, what you must do is this: DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE the accusation. Just calmly tell him "I don't have to listen to this." Calmly is the key! Don't deny or confirm one way or the other - just tell him you do not have to listen to it. I can tell you, it's hard not to automatically say, "No, I'm not having an affair." All that does is give him fuel for the argument; he says yes you are and you say no I'm not.. and so it goes. It doesn't matter whether you are or aren't; that's not why he says it. He says it because it provokes you and gives him a response from you! It's all about controlling you and getting you in a tizzy.
Stand your ground, and don't deny/confirm. Eventually he will give up or start an argument about something else.. but guess what.. you can STILL use the same tactic. "I don't have to listen to this." It works for a number of things. But it does take practice and perseverance.
Withholding and Teasing - Two other major weapons in the abuser's arsenal are withholding and teasing. Let's look at each one:
Withholding
If this or something similar has happened to you, then you know what I am talking about. Things that to you and I are simply everyday, ordinary things become ordeals to be explained, explained, and explained yet again. And we sit there, dumbfounded, wondering where in the world did he come up with that?! Fortunately, Patricia Evans, in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, gives us some ideas on how to respond to these insane accusations.
When your spouse accuses of you of something, our first HUMAN response is to deny it. Denying only serves to "prove him right," at least in his mind. So, what you must do is this: DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE the accusation. Just calmly tell him "I don't have to listen to this." Calmly is the key! Don't deny or confirm one way or the other - just tell him you do not have to listen to it. I can tell you, it's hard not to automatically say, "No, I'm not having an affair." All that does is give him fuel for the argument; he says yes you are and you say no I'm not.. and so it goes. It doesn't matter whether you are or aren't; that's not why he says it. He says it because it provokes you and gives him a response from you! It's all about controlling you and getting you in a tizzy.
Stand your ground, and don't deny/confirm. Eventually he will give up or start an argument about something else.. but guess what.. you can STILL use the same tactic. "I don't have to listen to this." It works for a number of things. But it does take practice and perseverance.
Withholding and Teasing - Two other major weapons in the abuser's arsenal are withholding and teasing. Let's look at each one:
Withholding
How many times have you been given the cold shoulder, the "silent treatment" that we all know so well? And you simply cannot figure out what it was that you did that triggered it? And no matter what you say or do, he still just ignores you. This is called withholding, and is very damaging to one's self-esteem. Withholding, simply put, is where he refuses to share his thoughts and dreams with you, where he clams up and you become non-existent. Over time, this makes you feel as though you are a ghost in your own home.
"A relationship requires intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy...The intimacy of a relationship cannot be achieved if one party is unwilling to share himself and is unable to support his partner in an empathetic way." This is right out of Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. And it pretty well sums it up. What she's saying is that any given relationship TAKES TWO. In the abusive relationship, it's strictly a one-way street.
The way Evans says to react to this is simple. Instead of following him around (as I did) trying to get some response, instead of making his "favorite" dinner to try to get a thank you, instead of sitting through the long hours of silence, this is what you do. Get up, and clearly & firmly say to him, "I am feeling very bored with your company." Then leave the room. It may or may not do anything, but at least YOU are in control of the "conversation" and are not being subjected to complete silence.
Teasing
"A relationship requires intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy...The intimacy of a relationship cannot be achieved if one party is unwilling to share himself and is unable to support his partner in an empathetic way." This is right out of Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. And it pretty well sums it up. What she's saying is that any given relationship TAKES TWO. In the abusive relationship, it's strictly a one-way street.
The way Evans says to react to this is simple. Instead of following him around (as I did) trying to get some response, instead of making his "favorite" dinner to try to get a thank you, instead of sitting through the long hours of silence, this is what you do. Get up, and clearly & firmly say to him, "I am feeling very bored with your company." Then leave the room. It may or may not do anything, but at least YOU are in control of the "conversation" and are not being subjected to complete silence.
Teasing
Teasing is where he finds something that really bothers us, for example our weight or the way we cook. Then he makes "jokes" about it, in public, to his buddies or even your friends. "Oh she's a big 'un, but I still love her." Or the old favorite around my house, "I know dinner's ready when the smoke alarm goes off." There is a distinct difference between this and true good-natured teasing. With good-natured teasing (in a healthy relationship), it doesn't usually feel like a personal attack, and they stop when you tell them it hurts your feelings, even apologize for going too far. In the abusive relationship, this type of "teasing" is meant to be hurtful and vindictive, and is a definite violation of your boundaries - and if you tell him this, ask him to stop, he gets worse.
The way Evans says we can combat this type of tactic is to say to him, "I'm wondering, now that you have (put me down)(laughed at me)(made fun of me)(interrupted me), do you feel more important? I'd like you to think about it." Then leave the room, disengage. DO NOT continue the conversation. He may well try to continue the conversation, make further disparaging remarks, but you just leave the room.
Discounting and Trivializing
Discounting is a very common abuser tactic. He says something that hurts your feelings, and when you tell him that, he says "Oh you take things too seriously." This is a direct assault on your person. He said it, you don't like it, but he doesn't think you are important enough to "take it back." So what do you do? First of all, don't ask WHY did he say that. That is not the issue (he said it because it will elicit the response HE WANTS from you). Don't try to make him understand that it "isn't nice to say that." He doesn't care. What you have to do is this: tell him to "STOP IT. Don't talk to me like that." PERIOD. End of conversation. Now he may attempt to continue the conversation, but tell him AGAIN.The way Evans says we can combat this type of tactic is to say to him, "I'm wondering, now that you have (put me down)(laughed at me)(made fun of me)(interrupted me), do you feel more important? I'd like you to think about it." Then leave the room, disengage. DO NOT continue the conversation. He may well try to continue the conversation, make further disparaging remarks, but you just leave the room.
Discounting and Trivializing
The idea behind this is to let him know "that you hold him responsible and know that his beliefs are not your beliefs" (from Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 142). Even though it may not actually make sense to respond to him in this manner, it is not the USUAL response that he EXPECTS to hear; for that reason it is effective.
Trivializing is similar. The difference is that he makes light of what you have accomplished, or ignores it completely and focuses on what is NOT done. Sound familiar? When he does this, just tell him something like "I've heard all I want to hear from you." Don't bother trying to explain how much fun it was to make the gorgeous cake for the kids' party; don't try to tell him how much work it was to rearrange the living room. Just know that you did a great job and don't be bothered with him.
Discounting and trivializing tactics both are attempts to make you think that what you feel and what you have done are not important, that what YOU do and feel are somehow LESS than what he does and feels. This is simply not true, as you know. Do not allow him to make you feel like you need to explain your every accomplishment or your feelings.
Name-calling, Ordering, and Undermining
Name-calling is very common among abuser tactics. You have probably heard them all, so I won't list them. This is considered "an invasion of your boundaries" (from Patrica Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 147). She also says that since this attack is "outrageously abusive" you should answer the attack with outrage. TELL HIM TO STOP IT. Tell him "DON'T EVER CALL ME NAMES." Don't tell him WHY, that it hurts your feelings or makes you feel bad, just TELL HIM TO STOP. Ordering is another means of relegating you to the level of "nonperson." By telling you what to do he is attempting to put himself above you. When he begins this behavior, tell him "I don't follow orders" or "Exactly who are you giving orders to?" And by golly do NOT do whatever he's ORDERING you to do.Undermining is where you are excited about something, say you saw a great movie, and you are talking about it, giving your opinion, and he says, "oh it's just a stupid movie." This makes you think that maybe your opinion doesn't count. Other things he might say that might sound familiar are: "Nobody asked you" or "You just don't understand" or (my ex's favorite) "What makes you think you're so smart?" He would follow that remark with a sarcastic "Oh yeah.. you are going to COLLEGE, aren't you!" These remarks are a direct attack on your self-esteem. Just tell him, "I don't like your attitude" or, my own personal favorite response "I'm not having any fun with you. I'm going to go do such & such."
The main idea here is that you do NOT have to accept any of this. You may not be able to STOP the abuse, but you can refuse to accept it. Do not be a part of it. Do not respond with your "usual" - throw him a curveball.
Emotional Abuse - The Rearranging of One's Mind
Author: Cheryl Lewis
This has honestly been the most gut wrenching article I have ever written. If you are being emotionally, verbally or psychologically abused I hope that you will find help. If you know someone who is being abused and are looking for help for them I am sure you will find wonderful resources through this event.
Emotional abuse is one type of abuse that can truly scar your mind and soul forever if you allow it to. It is the one abuse that leaves all of its scars on the inside where they are not visible to the people around you. If you are physically abused or sexually abused the physical hurts heal. The emotional abuse that you endure from these abuses are what is left behind to deal with. I hope that you will find helpful resources from the links that I am including for this article.
Emotional abuse comes in many different forms. It can be subtle and hard for others to see. I t is a systematic way for an abuser to control their victim. Verbal/Emotional abuse can be both passive and active. Passive abuse would be along the lines of neglect or intentionally withholding love and affection or praise for things that are well done. Active abuse is deliberate humiliation and belittling to hurt feelings and destroy self-worth and self-respect. Either form is just as horrendous. It can also be constant or occasional. It doesn't matter if it is occasional it is still abuse.
If you are being emotionally abused but think you are doing a good job of hiding it from your kids, think again. If your children are very young they may not understand what is actually going on, but as they grow they will eventually know what emotional abuse is. They will live it too. They will eventually suffer from this abuse even if they are not direct recipients of it. It appears that emotional abusers will often begin to abuse their own children at some point. The scars of a child who has been emotionally abused are long suffering and can lead to permanant imparement. If you are living with a spouse or intimate partner who is systematically breaking you down by emotional abuse, your children will be affected. The potential for scars on your children's lives is incredibly high. Emotional abuse prepares and conditions a child to expect abuse in their adult lives. This can lead to physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse for your child as an adult and has just as much potential to lead to the same for their children. Emotional abuse if often a repeated behavior.
If you assume that you are not being abused because your partner has never actually hit you then you are wrong. If you are being constantly belittled, called bad names, if you cannot express your feelings or things that are bothering you, if you feel obligated to have sex, and your relationship swings wildly between euphoric and hellish, and most importantly if you are afraid of your partner, then you ARE being abused. Are you made to feel that everything that goes wrong in your partner's life is your fault and your responsibility to fix? This a co-dependant lifestyle indicative of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is designed to make the victim feel tremendous guilt, feelings of powerlessness, fear and dependancy. It is a repetitive behavior that uses those feelings to destroy any self-worth and self-respect. These are the very feelings that will lead a victim into believing that there is no way out or no way to make their life better. It is also an easy abuse to imitate which leads me back to the point of our children. They will be affected one way or another.
If you feel you must stay in this relationship and survive with your mind, heart and soul intact you will need to learn how to cope. This is not an easy task. You will need to create a web of support. Most likely that web will have to remain somewhat of a secret. If you tell your partner that you have a support system they may go to great lengths to dissolve that support system. They will most likely belittle you for needing the system in the first place. They may begin to control your finances with a tight reign in order to control where you go and when. They may even try to alienate you from any friend or family member they perceive as a threat to their control over you. A support system will be viewed as a threat, thus the reason for keeping it secretive. I am not saying that you should not tell your partner where your going or who you are talking to, just be prepared for an interogation. Have your answers ready and do not allow yourself to be involved in a railroaded conversation where your words will be turned on you. Keep your explanations simple and do not lie. For example, if you are talking with your friend Jane on the phone and you talk about the weather somewhere in the conversation you can tell your partner you were talking about the weather. I know it may not seem like it is right but you must have some support somewhere. If you do not have some place that you can lay out your feelings and discuss them they will eventually lead to physical symptoms.
There are lots of places on the internet to connect with support systems (see resources at end of article).
If you are planning an escape from an abusive relationship there are things you will need to know in order to do it. If you are planning to leave be as sure as you can be that you are ready to end the relationship. I do not think you can ever be 100% sure about leaving a partner. If you do end up going back you will only be repeating the cycle that exists within abusive relationships. Those phases are:
1. Tension Building
2.Incident
3.Reconciliation
4.Calm
and then it starts all over again. This cycle may be a long cycle or a short one. I think you will find over time that the cycle time becomes shorter and shorter until it becomes difficult to see the cycle. If you try to end the relationship your abuser will more than likely try to convince you that it is your fault that this happens, you can't make it without them or promise to change, or possibly all of the above. A partner may even try to scare you into staying in the relationship by threatening to take away your children. You will need to be sure and have all important information for your children.
I cannot tell how you difficult I found this article to be. I have not even begun to make this article as strong as I would have preferred. I am trying to be a source of information and help. There is NO ONE who can make your decisions for you. Only you can decide how to best handle your abusive situation. Whatever you decide has to be right for YOU not your abuser, mother, brother, sister or friends - - only YOU.
You know what is right for your kids too. They are a part of you!
Good luck to each of you searching for help!
INTERNET RESOURCES:
- W.I.N. - Women In Need. They are a domestic and international non-profit group dedicated to helping women of all ages in abusive situations. They have resources available and also a chat category. I think most women will find this site helpful. They also have a category for children.
- Another great web resource is Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site which also features an anonymous discussion forum called "Trubble's Catbox."
- If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Help is also available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands.
Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.
Recommended Reading:
Simply click the linked title to view on Amazon.com. You can often read the first chapter free online and many of these titles are available used at a discount. Better yet, check them out FREE from your local public library!
Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beattie.
No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan Miller PhD.
Before It's Too Late: Helping Women in Controlling or Abusive Relationships by Robert Jackerman and Susan Pickering.
Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know by Al Miles.
Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women by Susan Brewster.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
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