Saturday, March 31, 2012

Great Big World (music video)

Press Play to listen; Lyrics Below Video Screen





Gauntlets
Thrown one by one
See how
They run
And when the check doesn't clear
And it's time to pay the bill
Some are gonna ride it out
Some can't and they never will

'Cause it's a great big world calling you to take a ride
And it's a great big world singing come and see and come inside
Oh yeah a great big world reminding you you're not alone
So hold on this great big world we only get to rent we never get to own

Inches fill a yard stick
Feet slowly walk a mile
Make one move then another
And then you try to live a while
Keep your head and you might make it
But that ain't no guarantee
'Cause it take debt and obligation
To fly around so free

And it's a great big world calling you to take a ride
And it's a great big world singing come and see and come inside
Oh yeah a great big world reminding you you're not alone
So hold on this great big world we only get to rent we never get to own

Whatcha gonna do first
And where will you make your mark
How are you going to get there
And can you find a place to park
Seasons coming slowly
But still they always come
And then it feels like just a second
And then suddenly you're done

And it's a great big world reminding you you're not alone
And it's a great big world we only get to rent we never get to own
'Cause it's a great big world calling you to take a ride
And it's a great big world singing come and see and come inside
Oh yeah a great big world reminding you you're not alone
So hold on this great big world we only get to rent we never get to own

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Will Justice Ever Come? (sonnet)


Justice is like a sick turtle and yet,
It might just get here eventually.
In the meantime, you will wait YEARS, I bet,
Waiting for some form of justice to see.
Justice is like a blind mouse in a maze,
It just cannot find its way to the cheese.
Those who desire it are left in a haze,
Wondering if they dare even believe.
Justice is almost like fake fingernails.
It looks nice, but you know they are not real. 
It's silly to think that justice prevails,
It's absurd to believe in a square deal.
Will justice ever come for me and mine?
Who knows, maybe if we wait a long time.





Monday, March 26, 2012

Somehow It Matters If It's Real (sonnet)

Oh Heart, I thought you dead, you beat again. 
Oh Soul, I thought you stone, and yet you feel.
Oh wow, I hadn't laughed since God knows when,
And yet, somehow it matters if it's real.
I don't want just a foolish fling that fails.
I don't want empty words or shallow sex.
I've buried doubt in a coffin with nails,
If I needed drama, I'd call my ex.
I don't want a stalker who likes my feet.
I don't want a rich man who buys me things.
I want a man who is always discreet,
One who will let me try out my own wings.
Life's a scary world getting scarier.
Love? That would make my life much merrier.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

What Do You Say? (sonnet)

What do you say when the words are all gone?
How can you sing when your life's out of tune?
Can anything be right after the wrongs?
What can you build out of a life in ruins?
How should I feel when I still love, but can't
Be with a drunk man who will never change?
I wish I could give up now, but I shan't.
There's nothing I can even rearrange.
I had the dream with the white picket fence,
The kids in the yard, and the normal life.
How could I have been so blind and so dense
That I would find myself a monster's wife?
Sometimes I miss the good days in between;
But I don't miss the usual hellish scene.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Wait and See (sonnet)


There has been no victory won today.
There is only sadness deep in my soul.
I just wish that there were another way
To get through to that pig-headed asshole.
I told him many times not to call me,
Court orders never seem to deter him.
Oh, how on earth can I get him to see
That his "love" for me is only a whim.
One day he hates me, the next he's in love.
One day he despises, the next adores.
And all the stars in the sky up above
Cannot explain why he does what he does.
I'm left speechless by his lack of control.
Now to wait and see what the next week holds.

Drowsy and Drifting (guided relaxation)

Friday, March 16, 2012

Better Off Single (sonnet)

Dating's a concept that's foreign to me,
I'm rusty as an old nail in a fence --
Haven't dated since nineteen ninety three;
I'm feeling out of touch and rather dense.
Does a hug still mean what it used to mean?
How do I show I'm not interested?
How do I keep things friendly, nice, and "clean,"
Without too much energy invested?
I almost feel like an alien just now,
As though all the men are from outer space.
I try to make small talk, but don't know how,
And always end up feeling out of place.
I guess there's no harm learning to mingle,
But for now, think I'm better off single.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Flickering Faith (sonnet)

Every day feels like a million long years,
And sleep runs away from me in the night.
I wish I could cry, but can't find the tears.
I'm weary from war and fresh out of fight.
My bones throb, my heart aches, and my soul groans.
I'm sick and tired of being such a blob.
Maybe he was right -- when we were alone
He said I'd always be a lazy slob.
My will power is all but depleted,
My faith flickers like an old candle lamp.
Don't want to admit that I'm defeated,
But I can't rally the soldiers from camp.
The gen'ral doesn't seem to have a plan,
And it seems all the troops turned tail and ran.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

What Where When Who Why (collage)

Deep Inside This Armor (freewrite)

Someone commented to me at church the other day -- "You are so strong. I don't know how you do it, day after day, week after week." All I could think to say was, "If it weren't for the Lord carrying me, I don't think I'd make it through."

Sure, maybe I manage to SORT OF hold it together during church -- because I HAVE TO. If I let my eyes even slightly fill up with tears while I'm playing piano, I can't read the music . . . which HAS happened a few times. But I have to be careful not to let the "floodgates" open or I can't even see my hands or the piano keys. You might see me singing along to hymns in church, a slight smile on my face, and think "Wow, it's amazing how she can trust through all of this and still smile." Believe me, I don't always smile. And I don't always trust. There are a lot of things you don't see and hear . . .

You didn't see me collapse on my knees on the laundry room floor at 1 in the morning, sobbing into a pile of dirty clothes, crying out in desperation -- "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I just can't do this. Help me, Jesus."


http://www.seattlecaraccidentlawyerblog.com/75579_drunk_driving.jpg

You didn't see me have to pull over and have to use my GPS navigation to tell me how to get home because I was crying so hard I had missed my exit. (Maybe you get lost all the time, but I usually DON'T. I normally pride myself on being "directionally gifted" and able to find my way around even in unfamiliar areas.) I had to sit there for a good 10  minutes and wait for the deluge to pass so that I could even SEE the little "blip" on my screen that showed my location and where I was supposed to go next. It took 15 minutes before it was safe for me to drive again.

You didn't hear me yelling at God after comforting one of my children after they'd woken up from a nightmare, my eyes filled up with tears as I pounded on my pillow, crying out to somebody . . . .anybody . . . . nobody . . . "WHY? It's not FAIR! It's not their fault. They didn't do anything wrong. Hurt me all you want, but don't do this to my kids! I know I've made my share of mistakes in life, Lord, but haven't we suffered enough yet? Please don't punish my children for my stupidity. It's NOT FAIR. It's just not fair!

You say that you're a just God, and that the righteous will never be forsaken. Is THIS your idea of JUSTICE? Where ARE you? I can't do this on my own. God, I need you! Show me what you want from me. We can't live like this -- never knowing what's going to happen next. We just can't. How can you let him do this to us, OVER AND OVER again? Why can't you make it stop? If you're so omnipotent, why can't you just make him go away and leave us alone?"

____________________________________

Yeah, so I'm not always all smiles and praise, trust and thankfulness, faith and forgiveness. I'm thankful that God is so patient with me, even through my doubt, anger, and confusion. I wonder sometimes why He hasn't struck me with lightning for some of the stuff I say when I shake my wee little fist at Him and try to tell Him how to run the world. Instead, it's as though He picks me up, dusts me off, plops me on His lap and says, "Well, are you just about done pitching your little "fit?" There's a lot of work yet to do, and you're not going to get anything done sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. I understand your frustration. Remember, no matter what you're going through, I've been there. And I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. Nobody ever said life was going to be fair. Don't worry about what "they" will think, say, or do. Just stick close to me, stay in the Word, trust your heart, and do what's best for your kids. Let me worry about "them."

____________________________________

Here's a video on You Tube of a song that was popular when I was a kid (you know, a gazillion years ago, back in the DARK AGES) that has a powerful message. You can't assume that just because a person looks "strong" and as though they have it "together" that they haven't fallen to pieces daily and are now just being held together by some spiritual duct tape. Deep down, I think there's a certain part of every one of us that has a moment or two in our life when we would have liked to curl up on our bed and cry, "I want my Mommy!" Those are the times we have to trust that our Heavenly Father really DOES know how much we can handle . . . .

 

Forgive and Forget? (freewrite)

Several years ago, shortly after I had left my ex-husband, one of his family members called me on the phone and asked a series of 'interesting' questions.  Apparently, he was trying to "set me straight" or perhaps appeal to my spirituality in hopes that I would back down on my resolve to leave the abusive relationship (although I cannot, for the life of me, understand how ANY "real" Christian would encourage someone to stay in an abusive relationship).

His questions were:
===============================================================
  1. Are you a Christian? Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Savior?
  2. Do you even understand what forgiveness is? If you believe that God forgives us of our sins and remembers them no more, why can't you do the same? Why can't you just let this go?
  3. How can you DO this to us? Don't you realize what this is doing to us? We're all hurting, and only YOU can clear this whole thing up and 'make it go away.' (Apparently, the 'us' and 'we' referred to my husband, his siblings, his father, his extended family, the neighbors, family friends, acquaintances they want to impress, the mailman, and God knows who else. From this person's communication with me, it seemed that he believed that I was primarily to blame for the entire situation and could somehow have simply waved a magic wand and miraculously 'poofed' it all away. If only I had that kind of power!)
I responded to the 'interrogation' as patiently as I felt that I could. I explained that I have indeed asked Jesus Christ to be the Lord of my life -- and that I am eternally grateful for His grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Furthermore, I expressed to this individual that I HAVE forgiven my husband many, many times over and that I am doing my best to TRY to forget the ways he has hurt the children and I with his words and actions.

The conversation continued. I was informed that my husband was "losing it" emotionally and drinking heavily because credit card companies keep calling him trying to collect money that I owe them. I was asked how I had managed to accumulate more debt than I could repay. I endeavored to explain that I had stayed current on all my bills up until several months prior (when I had spent my entire savings + credit card advance on bus tickets for the kids and I to try to leave my husband by travelling clear across the country to be nearer my family.   That's another long story I'll get into perhaps one day).

I was soooo tempted to elaborate on why I had accumulated so much debt -- to explain the reason I had resorted to credit cards, but I realized it was pointless when I began to receive a lengthy lecture about 'not buying something you can't pay for' -- apparently this person expected me not to buy ANYTHING then.

My ex-husband had always 'managed' the finances and required me to virtually 'beg' to be allowed to spend any of 'his' money. Consequently, when I discovered that I could apply for credit in my own name, I did so. If the kids needed uniforms for school, glasses, medicine, etc. I simply charged it. It felt good not to have to tell the kids, "No, we can't buy ice cream. Daddy's in a bad mood, so I can't ask him for money today." You see, he had the checking account in HIS NAME ONLY.  I was not allowed to even LOOK at HIS checkbook. 

When the kids were upset, we'd 'hole up' in my bedroom with a container of ice cream. Yup, you guessed it, I charged the groceries too. What else was I supposed to do? It beat having to give him a lap dance or a blow job for grocery money.

Several years earlier, I had taken a $1500 cash advance on one credit card to buy a full-size van in MY NAME so that if we had to leave in a hurry, I could pack a few of the kids' things and we could 'camp' in the van until I found a place to go (not a well thought out plan, I realize, but I wasn't aware of any other options at that point).

Truthfully, it really shouldn't have MATTERED if I was $50,000 in the hole (not that it matters, but wasn't even CLOSE to that much, by the way). What I mean by saying that it shouldn't have mattered is that my level of debt was not a valid excuse for him to lose touch with reality and spiral out of control with his drinking.

I should perhaps point out that every PENNY of this 'debt' was accrued on MY personal credit cards and in no way impacted HIS credit rating (our finances had never been 'married' & we'd never had ANY joint accounts EVER. Besides, never ONCE had I indicated that I EVER expected him to pay for a dime of MY debt. So you see, as far as HE was concerned, my debts really SHOULD NOT have mattered. I had never spent 'his' money without his permission or expected him to 'help me' repay my bills (although, to be fair, there were a few times he paid off some of my debt -- but I hadn't ask him to.  If he did pay off any of my debt, he then would proceed to "hold it over my head" and expect extra sexual favors as "repayment").

Just for the the sake of curiosity, I added up how much my husband had spent on cigarettes and booze since we had been together and a CONSERVATIVE estimate is $70-80,000. But I don't hear ANYBODY telling HIM that he has been a poor manager of money. Heavens no, but since *I* charged groceries or gas or clothes because he wasn't working AGAIN, that makes *ME* an EVIL person that's somehow completely responsible for his current mental 'meltdown.' Give me a break .........

I had listened to this person's verbal vomit for as long as I could possibly stand it. He had gone on and on about how the family 'loves me and the kids so much' and how they hoped that soon I will 'come to my senses and stop this legal nonsense.'

THANK GOD someone had come to their door and interrupted them, or who knows how much more I might have had to listen to. Yes, I could have hung up. But that wouldn't have been the 'Christian' thing to do, would it have? LOL ..... and seeing as his family ALREADY seemed to think I was the spawn of Satan, I didn't need to go out of my way to tick them off.

(Lord, forgive me for spitting all that out like that. I'm human, though. And it hurts, Lord -- to have everything you say & do questioned, scrutinized, and judged (often without any factual basis). Humble me, Father. Remind me that but for Your grace, I would be no different.)

I've been wondering how I might have handled the phone call differently -- and whether or not it would have mattered one way or the other. I tried to think of how to put into words what seems so CLEAR to me -- the fact that I have forgiven my husband does NOT mean that I am willing to overlook the things he has said & done (and, sadly, in some cases CONTINUES to say & do). Neither do I think that it is right for me to interfere with the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of his actions. I REFUSED to enable him any longer, to make excuses for him, or to feel GUILTY for doing what I believed was right.
I simply was NOT WILLING to place myself or the children in a situation where there was a potential for further abuse. Why was that so hard for him and his family to grasp?

Today I read through most of Charles Spurgeon's book "All of Grace."

One word -- WOW! Especially chapter 15, entitled:

Repentance Must Go With Forgiveness.

Here is a short bit:
"If the Lord were to say, "You love sin, and live in it, and you are going from bad to worse, but, all the same, I forgive you," this would proclaim a horrible license for iniquity ... So long as God lives, there can be no promise of mercy to those who continue in their evil ways, and refuse to acknowledge their wrongdoing. Repentance ... is a change of mind of the most thorough and radical sort, and it is attended with sorrow for the past, and a resolve of amendment in the future.

Repentance is to leave
The sins we loved before;
And show that we in earnest grieve,
By doing so no more
. "
-----------------
Did I happen to say WOW? Nobody says it quite like Spurgeon. I realize that he's speaking of God's forgiveness of OUR sins going hand in hand with OUR Repentance. However, it only stands to reason that the same basic principle should apply in our relationships with others.

My forgiveness of another may not necessarily REQUIRE his/her acknowledgement of wrongdoing, but it would sure be HELPFUL. And it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that I shouldn't be asked repeatedly to 'just forget' the wrong that others have done IF THEY AREN'T EVEN WILLING TO ADMIT that they've done anything wrong and show no apparent remorse. Furthermore, I don't believe it's fair for me to be asked over & over again to 'just forgive' them if they choose to CONTINUE their behavior with no indication of real change having taken place over an extended period of time (empty words and promises mean NOTHING to me; and ANYBODY can 'straighten up' for a few weeks).

I am willing to forgive ... in the limited sense that I choose not to allow bitterness to eat me up from the inside out. I have turned the results/consequences for others' choices over to the Lord and I refuse to hold a grudge.

BUT ... Don't ask me to just 'forget about it.' I cannot, and I will not.

Someday we will ALL have to stand before the throne and answer to Almighty God ... I can't answer for anyone else. I can't see their hearts or read their minds. I have enough to worry about keeping MYSELF 'in line.' Each and every day, I fall on my knees at the foot of the cross and praise God for his abundant grace and forgiveness and pray earnestly that He will continue the work that He's begun in my life.

Broken . . . and Glowing? (freewrite)



A while back, I had bought the kids some of those neon "glow sticks" at the dollar store. They were excited to get them out of the package, but my daughter took one look at hers and tossed it on the floor in disgust. "Mommy, mine doesn't work," she said, "It doesn't glow at all.'

"Sure it does," I assured her, and proceeded to take the tube and bend it back and forth along the length of it to break the glass to release/commingle the chemicals.

"Stop, Mommy!" she exclaimed as she heard the snapping and cracking noises from the glass shattering inside, "you're BREAKING IT!"

I explained to her that the only way to get it to glow is to "break it" on the inside.

Before long, all 3 of them were dancing around waving the brightly colored "wands" in the air, making various shapes and designs.

I couldn't help but think that sometimes I, like my duaghter, shudder when the things around me "shatter."

"Stop it, Lord," I protest, "You're breaking me!"

Who knows, maybe I'm a little like those goofy little plastic toys -- the only way God could get me to "glow" was to "break me on the inside" a little.


Friday, March 9, 2012

I Will Survive (music videos)

Here's some great music!






Lindsay Haun
Stronger Than We Know




Rachel Ferguson
Stronger Than You Think I Am




Superchick
Stand in the Rain




Superchick
Beauty from Pain




Queen
We Are the Champions




Queen
I Want to Break Free




Kirk Franklin
Look at Me Now




Jordyn Taylor
Strong




Gloria Gaynor
I Will Survive




Helen Reddy
I Am Woman




Christina Aguilera
Soar




Mary Mary
Can't Give Up Now




Maria Mena
Just a Little Bit




Francesca Battistelli
I'm Letting Go




Cascada
Who Do You Think You Are?




Destiny's Child
Through With Love





Jessica Andrews
More to Me Than You





Mary Mary
Get Up




Pink
So What




Jo Dee Messina
My Give a Damn's Busted




from First Wives' Club
You Don't Own Me!




Unknown Artist
I Am Stronger




Maria Mena
He's Hurting Me
Warning: 'F' word in song




Leona Lewis
Better in Time




Maria Mena
Fragile




Maria Mena
A Few Small Bruises




Natalie Grant
Natalie Grant




Natalie Grant
SAFE




Maria Mena
Shadow




Maria Mena
Nevermind Me




Maria Mena
Just Hold Me




Demi Lovato
This Is Me




Maria Mena
Better Than Nothing




Natalie Grant
I Will Not Be Moved




Joe Cocker
(I Get By) With a Little Help from My Friends




Christina Aguilera
Fighter




Alicia Keys
Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart




Alicia Keys
Every Little Bit Hurts




Kelly Clarkson
Because of You




Timbaland
(Too Late to) Apologize




Christina Aguilera
(I Am) Beautiful




Christina Aguilera
I'm Okay




Kirk Franklin
Help Me Believe




Kirk Franklin
I Smile




Pink
Nobody Knows




Pink
Long Way to Happy




Destiny's Child
Survivor




Natalie Imbruglia
Torn




Lifehouse
Broken




Deniece Williams
Healing




Tenth Avenue North
By Your Side




Jeremy Camp
There Will Be a Day



Everything below this was just left here so that when I find more songs I can easily add them.



VIDEO
ARTIST
TITLE



VIDEO
ARTIST
TITLE

Sex Addict (collage)

A Sex addict -- what my ex-husband was, and in all likelihood still is.

This Bitter Cup (sonnet)

You're all I've got in this crazy old world,
The only one who listens day and night.
But are You there? Are my prayers even heard?
Can I still trust that You will do what is right?
The way is dark, the night, oh so long,
And no one walks beside me through the fire.
I try to trust that You can right what's wrong,
But all my strength is gone; my children tire.
I've heard someone proclaim: "God's safe to trust.
Life's hard, but God is good - His word is true."
I cannot carry on, but know I must
Keep trying, though I don't know what to do.
Please help me, Lord, I feel like giving up.
Give me the strength to drink this bitter cup.

I'm Not Quitting . . . Yet . . .

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Stuff Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, started supper, and unloaded & reloaded the washing machine ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

This Thing Called Fate (sonnet)

Like going to the store only to find
They closed an hour ago; the doors are locked.
It rattles your cage and addles your mind,
Why didn't you stop to look at the clock?
Like the perfect dress, but not the right size,
They have larger and smaller, but not yours.
It frustrates you, even crosses your eyes,
Til you wonder what you went shopping for.
Like going to work to find that you're off
And didn't even need to go at all.
Like having no Halls when you have a cough,
It can leave you wanting to climb the wall.
Sometimes in life it's too little, too late,
I guess that's what it is -- this thing called fate.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Friday, March 2, 2012

That is the Soul (poem)

In succession,
In division,
In confusion,
We all live.
In parts,
In particles,
In pieces,
We all survive.
Bit by bit,
We see the world,
Both you and I;
But the whole
Of what we see
Of what we are
Of what we will become --
That is the soul.

She gazes ever forward
Building a new world,
Burying the old world.
She is not bound by tradition,
By circumstance,
Or by fate.
She knows only herself.

The tapestry of time,
Woven of memories,
Both dark and light,
Is the gleaming garment
With which she is clothed.

When she speaks,
It is only a whisper
That she alone can hear --
For the voice of the soul
Is far more often
A feeling
An instinct
What is left unsaid,
Rather than the mere exchange
Of empty words.

She is a fortress,
A tower of strength;
Yet she is as vulnerable
As a newborn child.
She is as old as the stars in the sky,
Still, every morning, she is reborn anew.

Worship her,
Nurture her --
Let her be your dearest friend.

For if you do not know
The depths of your own soul,
You are doomed to wander
Aimlessly
Through this wasteland of life
In search of completion,
Fulfillment,
And peace.

Let her lead you to the source
Of all good things - -
For they begin within
The infinite expanse
Of your very own soul.