Drunk Driver (poem)

Lured by floating bubbles of flirtation,
Enamored with the thought of being loved,
Stunned by his silky, smooth incantation,
I lost track of any rules that I might have thought of.
I was under age, but he served me just the same.
He didn't care that I was but a child.
He left my heart a tattered mess,
And my mind a circus, running wild.

Another bar, this one deep underground.
Where only the "privileged" were allowed.
They served me there,
Both day or night,
Sometimes there was quite a crowd.
The bartenders came
One after another,
Serving me more quickly
Than I could recover.
I left that bar determined
Never to try to leave the road again
I did my best to steer clear
Of all the stinking, drinking men. 

But then came a man I couldn't resist.
His words were so smooth,
And how sweet was his kiss.
"Drink with me," he implored.
My attempts to say no
Were always ignored.
He poured me one glass after another,
Til I was too drunk to stand.
His words cut through me like a knife,
(I wondered, "why am I his wife?")
He smothered me
Until I couldn't breathe,
Until I couldn't see,
And yet I couldn't leave.

Just when I would start to sober up,
He'd pour another soul piercing drink,
Until I couldn't function any more,
Let alone try to think.
So I learned to drive the road of life,
Though sloshed by the pain he served up.
I kept it between the lines as best I could,
But, oh, how I longed to just give up.
But alas, I could not,
For I had children in the back seat
Depending on me
For love, for direction, for comfort, for meat.
Soon I was reduced
To talking to myself,
For he forbid me to speak
With anyone else.

Simple chants in the back of my mind,
(Where I hid from his ranting most of the time).
I hung on for dear life
To my sanity,
And repeated the simple rules
That life had taught me:
"Red means stop.
Green means go.
Don't go too fast.
Don't go too slow.
Don't leave the road,
Don't be too early.
Don't be too late.
Keep it between the lines.
Hold the wheel straight."

I got pulled over and detained a few times
By those who saw the warning signs --
Like my vehicle swerving back and forth
Or driving right off the road at times. 
"Have you had anything to drink, young lady?"
"Only pain," I said, as though they'd understand.
Hoping that somehow maybe
They were different than every other man.
I would eventually jump through their hoops --
I would touch my own nose
And walk a straight line,
And somehow convince them that I was "just fine."
They'd smile at me,
Pat themselves on the back,
And let me go back for more --
With the lamest of warnings
To drive a bit slower.

As if I could control the speed at which life raced by,
As if I could predict when I'd break down and cry. 
"Just keep it between the lines," I would think,
And please, Lord, let there be no more
That I am forced to drink."

You see, I never chose to put the cup to my lips.
I never wanted a single one of those evil sips.
Now here I am, still sloshed from the shame,
Wondering how to play this confusing game.
Some make it seem so simple,
But to me it's a mystery
How some can walk through life unscathed,
While others end up scarred like me.

Just keep on driving, I tell myself,
Just follow the road and see where it goes.
But at the rate I'm going,
My destination is one that nobody knows.

I often veer from one side to the other,
Trying to find my way.
I hit the curbs, I cross the lines,
And I run a stop sign almost every day.
I try to go when I see green,
I try to stop when I see red.
I try to follow the rules of the road,
But inside I feel like I'm already dead.
Just a dummy behind the wheel,
A crash test dummy --
That's how I feel.

I want to believe there's a higher power
That will guide me along this road,
But day by day and hour by hour,
It seems I carry a heavier load.

What would they say if they could see inside?
There's no way to count the tears I've cried.  
How many years was I Frankensteins's bride?
In the end, does it even matter how hard I tried?

I don't know how much longer
I can hold the steering wheel steady,
How long it will be til I'm stronger,
How long it will be til I'm ready
To face the pain that's intoxicated me,
To sober up,
To finally be free.

I want my life back, and my sanity too.
I don't want to be a zombie
Merely stumbling my way through.
Still I sense that it's apparent to all
When they see me stumbling around
That I must have stayed through last call,
That I'm five minutes from collapsing on the ground.

I watch as other vehicles pass me by,
As I struggle along in the slow lane.
I try not to crash as I break down and cry,
And pray that I don't go totally insane.

Sometimes it seems nobody really even cares
That I'm a multiple trauma survivor.
They look at me and all that they see
Is just another drunk driver.








 

Lord, Hold Me (Sonnet)

Lord, you've brought me this far, so now I trust
That You'll carry me the rest of the way.
I'm trying so hard to do what I must
To make it through each dreary, weary day.
I don't want to fail You now by falling,
But some days it's ever so hard to stand.
So now on Your Holy Name I'm calling,
Begging You to steady me with Your hand.
I need Your power now more than ever,
For the gates of hell rattle, oh so loud.
Did I think I'd make it this far? Never.
Yet I'm ashamed and anything but proud.
Lord, hold me in Your precious arms tonight,
And help me not to give up on this fight.

Cold Duck and I (sonnet)

Cold duck and I are swimming all around,
Trying to make sense of why I am here.
Fighting to keep my feet firm on the ground,
Struggling to keep my entire mind clear.
Cold duck says I am all wrong for this pond,
I long for the land of ten thousand lakes.
It's a place for which I've always been fond,
Where even lame ducks sometimes get a break.
Cold duck and I think the world is too large;
Too many people with rules, oh so strange.
I wish, just for once, that I could take charge
Of life, of my destiny, for a change.
Cold duck and I only meet now and then,
'Twill be hard to wait 'til we meet again.

It's Getting Old (sonnet)

How do I shake off this melancholy
And find just a little motivation?
Why can't I be the one I wish to be?
Instead I'm stuck here trapped in frustration.
Responsibility hangs like a noose
Around my neck; just waiting for the drop.
If only I could cut the burdens loose
And find a way to make the sadness stop.
I know God says to cast our cares on Him,
But I've been casting and casting away,
And still it seems there's muck that I'm stuck in.
It doesn't seem to change from day to day.
Why can't I break free from this dark gray sky?
It's getting old when all I do is cry.

Choose Your Own Adventure (sonnet)

Life's like a "choose your own adventure" book,
Full of choices at ev'ry twist and turn.
Sometimes all we need is that one first look,
While other times it takes longer to learn.
Some decisions take us to great places,
While others leave us stuck at a dead end.
Some turns we take put smiles on our faces,
While others leave us longing for a friend.
God gave us rules to try to keep us safe,
But gave us free will to mess up our lives.
Someday we'll answer to Him, face to face,
And try to explain the things we decide.
The world's our oyster, but what is the pearl?
It's staying sane in this crazy old world.

Remember the Good Times (sonnet)

When you hear a song, remember good times.
When you see a picture, remember smiles.
For there will be days smiles are hard to find,
And the good times only last for awhile.
People you trust may use and abuse you,
People that you love may cause you great pain.
So let the songs and the smiles get you through
Until you finally find love again.
There are some things I would like to forget,
Some memories that haunt me in the night.
I can truly say I have no regrets,
I did what I had to do, what was right.
People can blame me and say I was wrong,
But they didn't live my life all along.

No End in Sight (sonnet)

I don't want to feel this way anymore,
Struggling to make it through every day.
The laundry piles up in mounds on the floor,
And I can't make the dishes go away.
I drag my wooden body, place to place,
Sometimes, I fear, without my mind intact.
Yet always there's a smile upon my face,
They always did say I could really act.
Six o'clock arrives, I'm ready for bed,
But the work isn't done; neither am I.
My blankets cry out to snuggle my head.
I can't wait to sleep so that I can cry.
The days pass by, they never seem to end.
Right now my pillow is my only friend.

Somewhere Beyond (sonnet)

Somewhere beyond these walls there is a place
Where grass grows green and children freely play,
A safe and happy spot in time and space,
No worries are allowed to ruin the day.
Somewhere beyond this day another comes,
And I have no idea what it will hold.
I do not know if I should stay or run,
Or just stay here and keep on growing old.
Somewhere beyond this life is one brand new,
A mystical city, so I've been told,
Where no sorrow or pain ever break through,
Where memories of earth quickly grow cold.
I long to go somewhere beyond this grief
Where I can eventually find relief.

Empty Advice (sonnet)

"Just think of your priorities," you say.
"Just mother all your children; you know how.
You've come too far to throw it all away.
The worst is past, and you'll find your way now."
What do you even know about my hell?
Were you there when he screwed me like a dog?
Have you ever been too frightened to tell?
Have you lived fifteen years in a dense fog?
"Just focus on your future," so you say.
"Forget the old ways of doing things now.
You have a bright mind, so you'll find a way,
You left because he hurt you anyhow."
Your words, they felt as cold as winter ice.
Thanks, but no thanks, for your empty advice.

Who Knows? (sonnet)

Who can say where the road will go from here.
Who can know the twists, the turns, the dead ends.
Who can know when there'll be an end to fear.
Who knows who are enemies, who are friends.
How do I navigate this winding course?
How do I battle nightmares in the day?
How do I grieve what was taken by force?
How do I make the mem'ries go away?
When will I feel like I am whole again?
When will I do all the things that I must?
When will I forget the places I've been?
When will I finally learn how to trust?
The future is something I cannot see.
Guess I'll just have to keep on being me.

Back on My Feet (sonnet)

BAM! Up against the wall, you slammed my head.
I often prayed that they were just bad dreams.
You just walked away as though I were dead,
Leaving my soul ripped apart at the seams.
You thought you always had the upper hand,
That I would obey you, no matter what.
But there's one thing you didn't understand --
I'm a fighter, and I never give up!
Each time you took something away from me,
I found a way to simply make it through,
And dreamed of the day I'd fin'lly be free.
I never did believe your words were true.
Success is a revenge, so very sweet.
You knocked me down, but I'm back on my feet.

I Found a Way (sonnet)

It used to be I shuddered in the night
Because I knew what was coming my way.
I did my "duty," what I thought was "right,"
You took advantage of that ev'ry day.
You led me to believe I was worthless,
Incapable of ever leaving you.
You said I was an ugly, crazy mess,
That there was nowhere I had to run to.
Well, a mess I may have been, thanks to you,
But I found a way to escape your grip.
I learned there were places I could go to,
We packed up our stuff and started our trip.
You were so sure you had me forever.
When will you have me again? Oh, NEVER!

An Army of Many, But One (sonnet)

The war's been over for many years now,
And most of the troops have long since gone home.
A few soldiers still remain, though, somehow,
And continue to battle on their own.
I don't remember when the first draft was,
Or just exactly why it was needed.
I thought the cadets all went home because
The last of the foes had been defeated. 
But apparently the news never reached
The deepest part of my fragmented soul.
Some must have missed the sermons that I preached.
It may take some time until I am whole.
The war's over, but the work's just begun.
I am an army of many, but one.

Completely Lost (sonnet)

Dates and deadlines, all in white envelopes.
Bills upon bills line up and start to dance.
Minions of madness, they all dash my hopes,
Not even giving dreams a fighting chance.
Just what is it that I'm supposed to do?
Exactly who am I supposed to be?
When will I know the nightmare's fin'lly through?
When will I know that I'm finally free?
Being a Mom is all I really know.
A stupid freak is all I seem to be.
Being completely lost is getting old,
But maybe it may start to grow on me.
Where has yesterday gone, I want to know,
And why is today going by so slow?

Bite the Bullet (sonnet)

Bite the bullet, suck it up, take the pain.
Quit being such a woos, don't run and hide.
It's not like you won't feel like this again,
So just ignore the agony inside.
What was is done, what is just simply is,
And feeling sorry will not change the past.
Besides, the shame and blame are mostly his,
You never asked for him to move so fast.
So just pull yourself up by your bootstraps,
And get a grip on the here and the now.
Manage your mind before it goes and snaps,
And you can't make sense of life anyhow.
You are stronger than you may ever know.
You made it this far, and I told you so!

I Have No Clue (sonnet)

Here and there are pieces flying by --
Fragments of a past I never wanted.
Pain that sears my soul, still I cannot cry,
Despite the mem'ries with which I'm haunted.
Then and now and here and there are just mush,
A maelstrom raging deep within my soul.
The race to heal makes me feel in a rush,
And yet my heart is still so full of holes.
Particles of past and present now fuse
To create some freakish thing I call "me."
But after all the torture and abuse,
I have no clue who I'm supposed to be.
Is there a blueprint somewhere for a "self,"
Or must I put my questions on a shelf?

If Only For Today (sonnet)

Warming my soul with a glass of champagne,
I float away to a land of sweet peace. 
Drowing the memories, drowing the pain,
Finding a small way to find some release.
Is it very wrong to not want to feel?
Is it so horrible to run away?
Is it so bad to wish it weren't real?
Is it a crime to "numb away" the day?
I know it's the past, I know that it's done --
I know it is not still happening now.
I know that I am not the only one
Who has been tortured like this, but somehow
I wish I could just make it go away.
And so I shall, if only for today.