I Cut the Darn Strings (sonnet)

"Right arm up, left arm down, and now you dance."
With strings, you held me like a marionette.
Controlled by you, I never had a chance.
What you gave me was all that I could get.
I was your puppet, and you my master,
You chose the music, and you chose the speed.
If I got tired, you made me go faster,
Anything to meet your ev'ry lil need.
Now I've found my strength, I cut the darn strings,
And I dance to the tune in my own heart.
I've found the joy that only freedom brings,
Even though you almost tore me apart.
I may not be too nimble or graceful,
But I'm strong to the end and I'm faithful.

Through the Cracks (sonnet)

Sometimes you have to find a way to grow,

To bloom where you can find a place to be,

To push your way through from way down below,

To find a way to let yourself be free.

It takes a little bit of stubbornness

To persevere when life is at it's worst,

To let your heart believe in openness,

When all you see is hopelessness at first.

Let hope spring up and chase the dark away,

Let faith begin to nibble at your doubt,

Let life renew itself in you today,

And banish ev'ry evil thought without.

Blossom where you're planted, and come what may

You'll find a way to make it through the day!

All Sorts of "Friends" (sonnet)

I see only Darkness, as I look on;
A fog of Unknown, Unheard, and Unseen.
Pity's potholes fill the road walked upon,
And Hope gets lost so easily between.
Like a frightened child, I look all around
For someone who's willing to be my guide,
Someone to lift my feet up off the ground,
Someone to walk faithfully by my side.
Injustice waves a hand in the cold air
And volunteers to share my lonely path.
Depression tiptoes in out of nowhere,
And Doubt races to me through the high grass.
I'm not alone, I have all sorts of "friends."
It's this blasted journey that never ends.

As Unpredictable as Weather (sonnet)

"Moderation in all things," so they say.
Why can't I seem to ever follow that?
Extremes are my buddies most ev'ry day;
I'm left feeling I've been run over flat.
Why can't I ever find the right balance?
Why do I make things a competition?
Why don't I give myself more of a chance?
I get steam-rolled by my own ambition.
Bigger, faster, and more are not better,
But nothing isn't really all that great.
I'm as unpredictable as weather --
What if this will forever be my fate?
I need to find a way to mellow out,
But I don't understand what that's about.

I'd Rather Be Dead (sonnet)

Take your flowers from the grocery store
And shove them where the sun will never shine.
I won't let you torment me anymore.
I have a new life that's totally mine.
Your attempts to control me are a waste.
Your accusation's nothing but a lie.
You're nothing to me but a bitter taste
Left in my mouth from days long since gone by.
I am determined to be free of you,
Your lies, and all of your insanity.
I wish you'd understand that we are THROUGH
And give up on playing mind games with me.
"We had our moments," that's true what you said.
But go back to you? I'd rather be dead.

I Can't Believe I Let Him in Again (sonnet)

I can't believe I let him in again.
I thought I'd built the walls up high enough.
I haven't felt this bad since God knows when.
Simply hearing his voice, his touch, and stuff.
I only wanted to be with my kids,
To make the day special for them somehow.
I never dreamed I'd be feeling like this,
The nightmares have started all over now.
Just when I think I've fin'lly broken free,
He finds a way to get under my skin.
Why do I let what he says bother me?
Why do I even let his words get in?
God, help me shut out all these memories.
I'm asking you, begging you, won't you please?

If I Can Dare to Dream (sonnet)

If I can dare to dream a dream so small,
Though some might think my goals are somewhat strange,
Some might not think this is a dream at all --
My circumstances to be rearranged.
If I can find a way to just hold on
A little while longer, then I just might
Find a small ledge that I can sit upon
Until I find my way through this dark night.
My prayers are not unanswered, this I know,
My heav'nly Father hears each time I cry.
He'll show me down which path I need to go,
And lead me to a safe place, by and by.
If only I can cling to His strong hand,
Someday He'll lead me to the Promised Land.

Mind over Matter (sonnet)

Take a deep breath and learn to let it go.
I can't change it, so why should I give in?
Inhale deeply and then let it out slow.
I refuse to let frustration begin.
I'll shred up paper and make a collage.
I'll take a hot bath and forget this grief.
I could make do with a decent massage,
My suff'ring is limited by belief.
So I will shake off the shawl of sadness,
And I will put on a garment of praise.
The enemy has failed with this madness,
I am through wasting any more good days.
Mind over matter, and prayer over pain.
I've lost it all, so now it's time to gain.

I'd Rather Get Hit (sonnet)

Well blow me away, the other foot fell,
I knew that the "niceness" would never last.
So we're back to the usual realms of hell,
I should be used to it now from the past.
First came the pain, and then came the flowers.
First came the rape, and then came the excuse.
Days upon more days and hours upon hours
Of senseless, mindless, and pointless abuse.
To be quite honest, I'd rather get hit
Than have my mind always messed with like this.
In fact, I used to beg him to do it,
I'd rather prefer a slug from his fist.
Just when I think peace will finally come,
I realize this madness'll never be done.

Unworthy (sonnet)

I know I don't deserve for You to hear
My prayers, oh Lord, or give a second thought
To my complaining words or raining tears.
Some may say I'm beautiful, but I'm not.
My past is ugly as the sin I've borne,
It comforts not that You are forgiving.
I try to let it go, but still I mourn
For those that died and those that are living.
Is there an end to this eternal ache?
A mother's heart can only take so much
Before it crumbles and begins to break
From all the worrying and stress and such.
Unworthy though I am, I come to You.
Please give me strength so I can make it through.

Winter in My Soul (sonnet)

The flowers say that Spring is on its way,
But it's still Winter deep within my soul.
The sun comes out each warm and sunny day,
But I cannot escape the bitter cold.
I hear "Mom" in a store and turn my head;
It's automatic when I hear that call.
I was coming to life, but now I feel dead,
Without a reason to go on at all.
I wake each morning and must force myself
To get up, to get out, and to go on.
I cannot depend on anyone else;
My faith in humanity's all but gone.
What did I do to deserve all this pain?
I dared to let my feelings show again.

I Pray Someday the Truth Will Be Known (sonnet)

It is the waiting that is killing me,
The not knowing when and how this will end.
I cannot deal with the uncertainty,
With the lies from those who call themselves "friend."
Personal attacks come from ev'ry side,
Mud slinging, bringing up the ancient past.
If I were to show the mem'ries inside,
There'd be enough ammunition to last
For weeks on end. After all that he's done,
I still can't believe they all think he's right.
He's hoodwinked them, each and every one,
And turned this into a big bloody fight.
I pray someday that the truth will be known,
The things he's said and done he'll someday own.

The Apples Do Not Fall Far from the Tree (sonnet)

The apples do not fall far from the tree.
From one generation to another,
If the trunk's rotten, so the fruit shall be,
From the father to every brother.
If anger and lies are all they have seen,
Then hatred and falsehood will still abound,
With manipulation squeezed in between,
And plenty of malice to go around.
The roots of evil run ever so deep,
The spirit of darkness controls their deeds.
Their words betray that their souls are asleep,
They cannot focus on another's needs.
One bad tree that led to four bad branches,
And each has had enough second chances.  

Yo Quiero Justicia (un soneto traducido del Inglés)

Quiero que él sufra al igual que él me hizo sufrir.
Él me puso en el infierno una y otra vez.
Quiero que él llore, al igual que él me hizo llorar.
Él me hizo miedo de ser en mi propio cuerpo.
Quiero que él sangre como un cerdo.
Él arrancó me abren como una bolsa de papel mojado.
Quiero que él grite porque de algo demasiado grande
Metió por el culo, hasta que estalla su cerebro.
Quiero que él se ahoge en un gran pene,
Pidiendo misericordia, pero conseguir ninguno.
Quiero que él mire el reloj,
Orando por el dolor hasta el final.
Quiero que él sea torturado como si él me torturaron,
Acostado en un charco de sangre, vómito, orina y las lágrimas.
Yo quiero que él se rompa en pedazos pequeños, como él me rompió,
Tanto el cuerpo y el alma.
Dios, perdóname por favor por sentirme así,
Pero yo quiero justicia a venir por él algún día.

The Same Deceptive Man (sonnet)

You think I will forget with just a word
Or two from you that come ten years too late.
Your logic and reality's absurd.
I'm not that easy to manipulate.
Go right ahead and tell me that I'm hot,
How beautiful I am, I just don't care.
You tell me that you're sorry, but you're not.
Your words and deeds still say to me: "BEWARE!"
You haven't changed a bit, it's plain to see.
Your web of lies just tangles wider still.
You think that you still have a hold on me.
You don't, and praise the Lord, you never will.
Your alligator tears aren't fooling me.
The same deceptive man you'll always be.

Never Underestimate a Woman (sonnet)

Never underestimate a woman
Who knows her rights and won't give up the fight.
Providing for herself and her children,
She will not rest by day or sleep at night.
She'll call a thousand numbers on the phone.
She'll visit ev'ry office she can find.
She'll pray to God and trust in Him alone
To give her strength and bring her peace of mind.
She'll write a hundred letters if she must,
She won't give up til all are safe and sound.
She'll ask for help, and even learn to trust
If that will mean an answer can be found.
There is no limit to what she can do.
She will survive and fin'lly make it through.

Please, No More (triple sonnet)

Throbbing pain, as I whisper, "Please, no more!"
My silent cries, unheard, fall on deaf ears.
I'm worn out, I'm dried out, I'm torn and sore.
Each throbbing thrust a knife that burns and sears.
I try again, and whisper, "Please be done!"
"You want it in your mouth then, say the word."
Which word must I say? I try to pick one.
But his "logic" is skewed and so absurd.
Gasping for air, I try to find a way
To escape from this hell within a bed,
But  I can't complain, no words I dare say,
Or he'll turn me and go backwards instead.
Oh soul of mine, where have you gone to hide?
How can I find you way down deep inside?

"You're done when I say that you're done," he says.
I shudder and wonder how long this time.
It could be ten minutes, three hours, or less,
There's never really a reason or rhyme.
"You can come again for me now, can't you!"
His words, not a question, but a demand.
"The Lord is my Shepherd . . ." keeps running through
As I brace myself and wait for his hand.
Worse still, I see it coming through the air,
His hand balled up in a hard, tightened fist.
And there is no way that I can prepare
For his slobbery, slimy, cum-filled kiss.
My body has forsaken me at last.
The pain that I should feel just went right past.

"You'll take it all, I know," he says to me.
As if there is some pride he finds in this.
Bigger, deeper, and harder; endlessly.
Until he cannot rise or starts to miss.
I try to shut it out and go away.
"Let's see if this will fit, I bet it will."
My mind throws up a wall and bids it stay,
As I command my body to stay still.
"I cannot do this, Lord," I softly cry.
His hand, his fist inside, is so immense.
Is this my punishment -- for what, and why?
I can't escape the pain, it's too intense.
Awak'ning from the nightmare in a sweat,
Another mem'ry I cannot forget.

Thank you, whoever you are . . .(sonnet)

Almost every day, I see you've been here
To read the awful drivel that I post.
The reason that you read it isn't clear,
I guess it's curiosity at most.
I tell myself that you must really care
To come here and visit day after day. 
I'm sure that you could prob'ly find somewhere
That had more interesting things to say.
But "thank you" to you, whoever you are,
For all your faithful visits to this site.
As you may or may not know, I've come far,
But still have far to go til things are "right."
God bless you for the time you take to come
And see what I've accomplished, what I've done. 

Lord, Wipe Away the Tears (sonnet)

The line to enter Heaven must be long.
The gate to enter in must be so high,
And those who enter must have to be strong,
Not pitiful and weak ones such as I.
The road to get to hell must be so wide,
For many travel on that thoroughfare.
Temptation lurking always on each side,
I can't escape the darkness that is there.
But yonder, there, I see celestial light.
I strive to reach the mansion made for me,
But struggle as I can with all my might,
My eyes are blinded by my misery.
Lord, wipe away the tears I cannot cry,
And help me understand the reason why. 

My Kingdom for a Map (sonnet)

A map, I say, my kingdom for a map
To show me which direction I should go.
A nap, I say, I'd settle for a nap,
I'll ignore what I wish I didn't know.
Some peace, I say, what I'd love is some peace,
A reprieve from the nightmares and terror.
Release, I pray, can't someone find release
From all the mem'ries that are hidden there.
Remorse, I say, why can't he feel remorse
For all the things he's said and done to me.
He must not be human at all, of course,
But a demon who simply cannot see.
Let go, I say, I must learn to let go,
For that is the way to healing, I know. 

I Am as Bright as a Bulb (sonnet)

I am as bright as a bulb that's lit up.
I am as strong as a beam made of steel.
I am as full as an overflowed cup.
I can decide what I will and won't feel.
I hold the keys to the depths of my soul.
I can decide who I choose to let in.
Why do I feel like I'll never be whole?
Why do I balk when it's time to begin?
I know I can face what I've faced before.
I made it through once, I can once again.
What makes me afraid to open the door?
What makes me so scared to even begin?
"No pain, no gain," that's what the experts say.
What box of shame will I unlock today?

Sometimes I Think I Know (sonnet)

Sometimes I think I know who I can trust --
There are a few who have not let me down.
I've learned to ask for help now when I must,
But feel my weakness will be frowned upon.
The nightmares come and go as does my strength.
I wonder just how long I can hold on.
If only I could somehow know the length
Of this, the journey I've embarked upon.
Can someone tell me, will there be an end
To daily fear and flashbacks in between?
Will I begin to learn to make a friend
Upon whose shoulders I could sometimes lean?
I've travelled many roads; but I'm alone,
Still haven't found a place that feels like home. 

Just Get a Grip (sonnet)

The chilling breeze floats in and flips my hair.
The rhythmic beat of music fills my ears.
I deeply take a breath of the fresh air,
And fight to build a dam to stop the tears.
Life is so beautiful, or so they say.
Some days I feel that's true, and some I don't.
Keep thinking there must be a way
To face the pain inside me, but I won't
Explore the darkest shadows deep inside
Behind the walls I've built to keep me safe.
There must have been some reason then to hide,
But now I have to join the human race.
"Just get a grip," I tell my weary self,
"This can't be solved by anybody else."

I Slowly Learn the Rules (sonnet)

I slowly learn the rules to play the game.
Put makeup on my face and comb my hair,
But somehow, still, inside I feel the same --
A frightened child, stuck, who gets nowhere.
Is there some secret key that I don't know
To help me find a way I can fit in?
Is there some special place I need to go,
A starting line from which I must begin?
Is there some language I don't understand,
Some secret code that only others speak?
Am I the only one who must command
The feelings and emotions that I seek?
Am I completely different from the rest?
Is all of life some crazy form of test?

Someday I'll Find a Way (sonnet)

Someday I'll find a way I can express
The feelings for which I don't have a name.
Someday I'll find a way out of this mess,
And prob'ly into one that's just the same.
For who's to say I'll ever find success.
Do I deserve the joy that others find?
Do I deserve a bit of happiness,
Or is pain my lot in life by design?
Did I do something wrong that placed a curse
Upon my life, so I cannot break free?
Did I survive the hell so something worse
Could plague my thoughts and haunt my memory?
Someday I'll find a way, if possible . . .
If only I could conquer my own will.

I Don't Think I Matter (sonnet)

I simply do not ever get angry.
I never let myself get too upset.
I cannot always tell when I am hungry.
I am amazed at how nauseous I get.
My mind and body don't work together.
My body gets ignored most of the time.
Of course cooperation works better,
But I'm at the mercy of my own mind.
"Mind over matter," that's what they all say.
If I don't mind, it won't really matter.
I'm a blip on the radar anyway,
Just static amidst all the chatter.
In the grand scheme of things, I'm rather small.
In fact, I don't think I matter at all.

Never Going Back (acrostic sonnet)

Now is the time for moving far away.
Each step I take, I grow that much stronger.
Virtually nothing my purpose will sway,
Even the fear can hold me no longer.
Reaching out to others for help -- I'm learning,
Growing to see myself as a person.
Only the bridges that need it are burning.
I've now found my strength in a new version.
Now I can see the truth for what it is,
Gone are the shackles with which I was bound,
Believing now that the blame's mostly HIS,
Allowing my soul's beauty to be found.
Commanding my own fate, now it seems;
Keep moving forward toward my dreams.

You Weren't Sorry (acrostic sonnet)

You slammed me up against the bedroom wall
Or pinned me down beneath your heavy weight.
Until I got a clear sense of it all,
When you fed me stories, I simply ate.
Each time you would feign some sort of remorse.
Reacting to your act, I'd just give in.
Even when it was clearly fake, of course,
Nevertheless, I hoped peace could begin.
Today I see your "tears" for what they were,
Sorry excuses, empty emotions,
Overt attempts to control me for sure,
Recycled garbage and false devotion.
Recalling how you hurt me, oh so cold,
Your claims are not just lies, they're getting old.

Life is a Bad Joke (acrostic sonnet)

Love will conquer all, or so they all say,
If only I believe things will turn out.
Faith will finally come and save the day
Each time my world gets turned all inside out.
I wish somehow I could swallow that all,
Sink my teeth into the meat of belief.
All I get are more dead ends and brick walls.
Breaking free still hasn't brought me relief.
Accept the pain, it will make you stronger.
Don't fight the failures, just keep on trying.
Jesus, I can't do this for much longer
Or pieces of my soul will be dying.
Keep wishing it's a dream and I'll awake;
Except it's not, it's just one big mistake.