Come Climb - Collage and Quote

Just Keep on Trying (sonnet)

Life's a race where there are no clear winners,
Life's a test, but no one has the answer.
There are no experts, only beginners.
Nobody knows why small kids get cancer.
Life's a game that sometimes has no real rules.
Life's a journey that doesn't have an end.
The players in this act all seem like fools,
You're lucky if in life you find a friend.
Life's a gamble where you don't know the odds.
Life is a road for which there is no map.
Sometimes there aren't even clues from God,
And it seems like life is just a mishap.
Whatever you do, don't think of leaving.
Just keep on trying and keep on breathing.

Ready or Not (poem)

I saw him and he saw me,
But still we looked on silently
Til I got the nerve to give him my number
And he had the nerve to text. 

We went to the movies,
We went out for coffee,
And it's surprising
What happened next. 

I found myself falling
In "like" on the spot,
And then love came,
Ready or not.

Intimacy After an Abusive Relationship

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be physically intimate with another man after my abusive relationship.  I was just sure that if my new boyfriend even TOUCHED me that I'd be triggered and have a panic attack.  But he's been very patient, gentle, and respectful, and things are going great.

I think the key to successful physical intimacy after an abusive relationship is openness, honestly, and respect.  If you inform your partner about your potential triggers and explain to them how these types of things make you feel, then he or she can be careful to avoid those types of activities. 

I'm thankful that my new boyfriend has been patient with me and has allowed me to control the level of physical intimacy.  I highly suggest that anyone who's starting a new relationship with someone after a previously abusive relationship make it a high priority to seek out someone who has a great deal of patience and respect.  Those two things are key. 

Red flags that a new partner may exhibit that would warn you to get out of the relationship:

• Wanting to be with you constantly and not allowing you to have any "alone" time.
• Wanting to know where you are and what you are doing at all times (i.e. texting and calling you constantly to check up on you). 
• Having strange fetishes or odd sexual demands (i.e. wanting a threesome or insisting that you role play in a way that makes you uncomfortable)
• Constantly comparing you to prior partners and/or constantly talking about prior relationships.
• Pressuring you to become more intimate than you want to be, sooner than you want to, or more often than you want to
• Moving the relationship along too quickly (i.e. seriously discussing marriage too soon, etc)
• Being jealous of other friends that you may have
• Asking you lots of questions about your past but not being willing to talk about his/her past
• Being obsessed with his/her appearance and/or your appearance

There are others, of course, but those are a few warning signs to look for.  Luckily, so far, my new boyfriend has been very respectful of the boundaries I've set up and hasn't pressured me to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with.  Am I in love?  It's too early to tell, but I'm definitely leaning in that direction!

I Love You as a Fire (sonnet)

I love you as a fire that burns so deep,
It cannot be put out by storm or sea.
A love so strong, it calls me in my sleep
And beckons me to dream of you with me.
I love you, though I don't know why I do,
Or why I feel the things you make me feel.
I find myself daydreaming about you
And praying that this love we share is real.
I love you, though I don't know for how long
I'll get to hold you in these arms of mine.
Your love is like a gentle, soothing song
That sings within my soul most of the time.
Your eyes, your smile, your touch, your hair, your smell;
Which of these things are best, I cannot tell.

Note: Yes, I did write this one.  I had to give it a try!

Love Sonnet by Pablo Neruda

(Translated from Spanish By Mark Eisner)

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:

I love you as one loves certain obscure things,

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose

from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you directly without problems or pride:

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

Note: I wanted to write a love sonnet, but none that I could write would come close to this.  And it describes how I feel to a 't.'

Great Spirit in the Sky (sonnet and song)

The Great Spirit in the sky watches me.
His eagle flies o'er me with its strong wings.
I see His Spirit in ev'ry tall tree.
I hear His voice in every bird that sings.
I feel His breath as the wind rushes by.
I see His face painted on each flower.
I see His tears fall as rain from the sky.
I sense His presence ev'ry single hour.
He guards each step I take with His strong hand.
He sends me dreams at night to guide my way.
He tells me things I will not understand
Until my soul crosses over someday.
I'm kept by the Great Spirit in the sky.
I am watched over by His loving eye.

Illumination - thought & music video

Sometimes you just need to take a few moments to reflect on the day . . . the good, the bad, the unexpected joys. Life is too short to waste regretting yesterday or worrying about tomorrow.

Thank You (sonnet and song)

I don't hate you for all the things you've done.
I'm not bitter over words you have said.
You taught me when to stay and when to run,
You taught me how to always look ahead.
Your unpredictability was cruel,
But still there was a purpose in that too.
I learned to recognize a lying fool,
I learned to hear your words and see right through.
I'll never understand how you can lie
And somehow think that nobody will know,
I still don't know why you bother to try,
When it's so clear you're putting on a show.
Thanks for teaching me to keep on trying,
Despite all your irrational lying.

Remembering (freewrite)

I was having trouble sleeping tonight because I was going back and listening to audio recordings of 3 years ago just before we left my abusive ex-husband.  What WAS I thinking? Talk about a recipe for insomnia . . .

I guess I was doubting myself, yet again ... asking myself "was it really that bad?" ...

God, I wish life made sense ... ever ... and I wish it didn't have to still hurt so much.

I need to cry, but I can't. The tears are right at the edge of my eyes. I can feel them there, searing, stinging, burning, begging to be allowed to fall. But they can't. They won't. Yet.

So many people around the world have suffered and ARE STILL suffering much more than I have/am. What right do I have to complain? None.

It's not even so much the guilt of how I know others have and are suffering worse, it's that I keep questioning why any of this has happened. I suppose I sort of know the answer to that -- my own poor choices when I was young and stupid led to this. So, in a sense, I have no one but myself to blame. I chose to date him.  I chose to sleep with him.  I chose to bear his child.  I chose to marry him.  I chose to stay with him.

But then sometimes I look at my children, and I see them suffering once in awhile, struggling to figure out the difference between "good daddy" and "bad daddy." I see them struggling with questions they can't answer ... and I don't have the answers either. And then I think, "Lord, it isn't fair. They have done nothing to deserve this. They didn't ask to be born into this nightmare. They are innocent. Punish me, if you must, but they've been through enough already."

The tears begin to silently overflow. I can envision him over me, pinning me down, sneering at me, saying: "Quit your crying. What do you have to cry about? Oh, that's right. You're a horrible worthless mother. Piece of shit -- MY piece of shit."

And I tried so hard not to cry. I really tried. Most times I didn't cry. The physical pain I could deal with. But his words cut so deep, and those words I couldn't escape. I FELT like a worthless mother. After all, what kind of a mother cowers in fear and can't keep the house tidy and running smoothly? What kind of a mother gets so distracted that she can't keep track of simple things like which days which kids have gym class and need to pack shorts? What kind of a mother can't potty train her children? What kind of mother can't keep up with the laundry and dishes? A horrible, worthless mother.

But I love my children & they always knew that. And everything I did, I did for them. And when I cried, it wasn't for me, it was for THEM ... For the mother they should have had, for the home they should have had, For the LIFE they should have had...

But I was too weak. And I was too scared. So I just rolled over and took it, because it's the only thing I knew to do. And when I cried, I heard:

"Enough with the crying. You're always so dramatic. How am I supposed to enjoy myself with you crying like that? Roll over so at least I don't have to look at your ugly fucking face. And if you gotta cry, for crissakes keep it to yourself. Shut the fuck up, I'm almost done and then you can have your fucking pity party."

What is WRONG with me? Why would I have thought so little of myself as a human being that I would have given him the keys to my soul just because he said I was smart and beautiful? Did I really need to hear that so much that I was willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING to be with him? And how could I have let myself get so beaten down emotionally & spiritually that I let it continue for so many years & simply accepted it as "God's will?"

I told myself if only I was a better wife, if only I was a better mother, things would be different. I've read back through my prayer journals, and over the years the same phrases are repeated again and again:

-Lord, help me be a better wife.
-Lord, help me be a better housekeeper.
-Lord, help me be a better mother.

Did I honestly think that if I magically became the perfect woman, that everything would be okay? How could I have let him brainwash me like that? How could I have absorbed HIS reality and made it my own ... to the point where he didn't have to put me down because I put myself down?
 
I know I have worth because I am a child of God. But right about now, I don't feel very worthy of anything. I can look back & see how far the Lord has brought us over the last 3 years, and I thank Him & praise Him for that, but I can't even accept compliments or simple words of encouragement without awkwardly minimizing them or explaining them away ...

I'm so exhausted and longing for rest. And I "hear" my Savior say, "cast your burdens on me."
So for tonight, I'll try to do that ... Thank you, Jesus!

What an "x" is good for (sonnet)

To him it's still a game of cat and mouse,
He wonders what will work to bait the hook.
Well I won't let him back into my house,
Not even for one tiny, little look.
My days of feeling hurt are so long gone,
The childish things he says don't bother me.
There're actually some mem'ries that are fond,
I don't hate him; just wish he'd leave me be.
I have another man who treats me right,
Respects me for the woman that I am,
Who doesn't live to name call, scream, or fight,
Knows how to be a perfect gentleman.
There's only one thing an "x" is good for --
Spelling the word that helps you find the door.

Song Dedications

These songs go out to a certain "special" someone who left some very nasty comments on my posts. Enjoy the music!

What is this kind of "love" (sonnet)

The third week in a row, he cancels out
On visiting the kids he claims he loves.
What is this kind of "love" he speaks about?
It surely doesn't show in what he does.
He doesn't call them on the telephone.
He calls their mother names and epithets.
He leaves them wondering what they've done wrong,
Wonders why cold shoulders are all he gets.
He leaves them drunken messages to hear,
Assuming they'll know he was "just kidding."
Which does he love more, his kids or his beer?
It's hard to tell by the way he's living.
Why can't he just step on up to the plate
Before they're grown and it is far too late.  

Past Due (Collage)

Great Big World (music video)

Press Play to listen; Lyrics Below Video Screen

Gauntlets
Thrown one by one
See how
They run
And when the check doesn't clear
And it's time to pay the bill
Some are gonna ride it out
Some can't and they never will

'Cause it's a great big world calling you to take a ride
And it's a great big world singing come and see and come inside
Oh yeah a great big world reminding you you're not alone
So hold on this great big world we only get to rent we never get to own

Inches fill a yard stick
Feet slowly walk a mile
Make one move then another
And then you try to live a while
Keep your head and you might make it
But that ain't no guarantee
'Cause it take debt and obligation
To fly around so free

And it's a great big world calling you to take a ride
And it's a great big world singing come and see and come inside
Oh yeah a great big world reminding you you're not alone
So hold on this great big world we only get to rent we never get to own

Whatcha gonna do first
And where will you make your mark
How are you going to get there
And can you find a place to park
Seasons coming slowly
But still they always come
And then it feels like just a second
And then suddenly you're done

And it's a great big world reminding you you're not alone
And it's a great big world we only get to rent we never get to own
'Cause it's a great big world calling you to take a ride
And it's a great big world singing come and see and come inside
Oh yeah a great big world reminding you you're not alone
So hold on this great big world we only get to rent we never get to own

Will Justice Ever Come? (sonnet)

Justice is like a sick turtle and yet,

It might just get here eventually.

In the meantime, you will wait YEARS, I bet,

Waiting for some form of justice to see.

Justice is like a blind mouse in a maze,

It just cannot find its way to the cheese.

Those who desire it are left in a haze,

Wondering if they dare even believe.

Justice is almost like fake fingernails.

It looks nice, but you know they are not real. 

It's silly to think that justice prevails,

It's absurd to believe in a square deal.

Will justice ever come for me and mine?

Who knows, maybe if we wait a long time.



Somehow It Matters If It's Real (sonnet)

Oh Heart, I thought you dead, you beat again. 
Oh Soul, I thought you stone, and yet you feel.
Oh wow, I hadn't laughed since God knows when,
And yet, somehow it matters if it's real.
I don't want just a foolish fling that fails.
I don't want empty words or shallow sex.
I've buried doubt in a coffin with nails,
If I needed drama, I'd call my ex.
I don't want a stalker who likes my feet.
I don't want a rich man who buys me things.
I want a man who is always discreet,
One who will let me try out my own wings.
Life's a scary world getting scarier.
Love? That would make my life much merrier.

What Do You Say? (sonnet)

What do you say when the words are all gone?
How can you sing when your life's out of tune?
Can anything be right after the wrongs?
What can you build out of a life in ruins?
How should I feel when I still love, but can't
Be with a drunk man who will never change?
I wish I could give up now, but I shan't.
There's nothing I can even rearrange.
I had the dream with the white picket fence,
The kids in the yard, and the normal life.
How could I have been so blind and so dense
That I would find myself a monster's wife?
Sometimes I miss the good days in between;
But I don't miss the usual hellish scene.

Dear Daddy (collage)

Chaos Vs. Order (collage)

Wait and See (sonnet)

There has been no victory won today.

There is only sadness deep in my soul.

I just wish that there were another way

To get through to that pig-headed asshole.

I told him many times not to call me,

Court orders never seem to deter him.

Oh, how on earth can I get him to see

That his "love" for me is only a whim.

One day he hates me, the next he's in love.

One day he despises, the next adores.

And all the stars in the sky up above

Cannot explain why he does what he does.

I'm left speechless by his lack of control.

Now to wait and see what the next week holds.

Drowsy and Drifting (guided relaxation)

Better Off Single (sonnet)

Dating's a concept that's foreign to me,
I'm rusty as an old nail in a fence --
Haven't dated since nineteen ninety three;
I'm feeling out of touch and rather dense.
Does a hug still mean what it used to mean?
How do I show I'm not interested?
How do I keep things friendly, nice, and "clean,"
Without too much energy invested?
I almost feel like an alien just now,
As though all the men are from outer space.
I try to make small talk, but don't know how,
And always end up feeling out of place.
I guess there's no harm learning to mingle,
But for now, think I'm better off single.

Flickering Faith (sonnet)

Every day feels like a million long years,
And sleep runs away from me in the night.
I wish I could cry, but can't find the tears.
I'm weary from war and fresh out of fight.
My bones throb, my heart aches, and my soul groans.
I'm sick and tired of being such a blob.
Maybe he was right -- when we were alone
He said I'd always be a lazy slob.
My will power is all but depleted,
My faith flickers like an old candle lamp.
Don't want to admit that I'm defeated,
But I can't rally the soldiers from camp.
The gen'ral doesn't seem to have a plan,
And it seems all the troops turned tail and ran.

What Where When Who Why (collage)

Deep Inside This Armor (freewrite)

Someone commented to me at church the other day -- "You are so strong. I don't know how you do it, day after day, week after week." All I could think to say was, "If it weren't for the Lord carrying me, I don't think I'd make it through."

Sure, maybe I manage to SORT OF hold it together during church -- because I HAVE TO. If I let my eyes even slightly fill up with tears while I'm playing piano, I can't read the music . . . which HAS happened a few times. But I have to be careful not to let the "floodgates" open or I can't even see my hands or the piano keys. You might see me singing along to hymns in church, a slight smile on my face, and think "Wow, it's amazing how she can trust through all of this and still smile." Believe me, I don't always smile. And I don't always trust. There are a lot of things you don't see and hear . . .

You didn't see me collapse on my knees on the laundry room floor at 1 in the morning, sobbing into a pile of dirty clothes, crying out in desperation -- "Lord, I can't do this anymore. I just can't do this. Help me, Jesus."

You didn't see me have to pull over and have to use my GPS navigation to tell me how to get home because I was crying so hard I had missed my exit. (Maybe you get lost all the time, but I usually DON'T. I normally pride myself on being "directionally gifted" and able to find my way around even in unfamiliar areas.) I had to sit there for a good 10  minutes and wait for the deluge to pass so that I could even SEE the little "blip" on my screen that showed my location and where I was supposed to go next. It took 15 minutes before it was safe for me to drive again.

You didn't hear me yelling at God after comforting one of my children after they'd woken up from a nightmare, my eyes filled up with tears as I pounded on my pillow, crying out to somebody . . . .anybody . . . . nobody . . . "WHY? It's not FAIR! It's not their fault. They didn't do anything wrong. Hurt me all you want, but don't do this to my kids! I know I've made my share of mistakes in life, Lord, but haven't we suffered enough yet? Please don't punish my children for my stupidity. It's NOT FAIR. It's just not fair!

You say that you're a just God, and that the righteous will never be forsaken. Is THIS your idea of JUSTICE? Where ARE you? I can't do this on my own. God, I need you! Show me what you want from me. We can't live like this -- never knowing what's going to happen next. We just can't. How can you let him do this to us, OVER AND OVER again? Why can't you make it stop? If you're so omnipotent, why can't you just make him go away and leave us alone?"

____________________________________

Yeah, so I'm not always all smiles and praise, trust and thankfulness, faith and forgiveness. I'm thankful that God is so patient with me, even through my doubt, anger, and confusion. I wonder sometimes why He hasn't struck me with lightning for some of the stuff I say when I shake my wee little fist at Him and try to tell Him how to run the world. Instead, it's as though He picks me up, dusts me off, plops me on His lap and says, "Well, are you just about done pitching your little "fit?" There's a lot of work yet to do, and you're not going to get anything done sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. I understand your frustration. Remember, no matter what you're going through, I've been there. And I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. Nobody ever said life was going to be fair. Don't worry about what "they" will think, say, or do. Just stick close to me, stay in the Word, trust your heart, and do what's best for your kids. Let me worry about "them."

____________________________________

Here's a video on You Tube of a song that was popular when I was a kid (you know, a gazillion years ago, back in the DARK AGES) that has a powerful message. You can't assume that just because a person looks "strong" and as though they have it "together" that they haven't fallen to pieces daily and are now just being held together by some spiritual duct tape. Deep down, I think there's a certain part of every one of us that has a moment or two in our life when we would have liked to curl up on our bed and cry, "I want my Mommy!" Those are the times we have to trust that our Heavenly Father really DOES know how much we can handle . . . .

 

Forgive and Forget? (freewrite)

Several years ago, shortly after I had left my ex-husband, one of his family members called me on the phone and asked a series of 'interesting' questions.  Apparently, he was trying to "set me straight" or perhaps appeal to my spirituality in hopes that I would back down on my resolve to leave the abusive relationship (although I cannot, for the life of me, understand how ANY "real" Christian would encourage someone to stay in an abusive relationship).

His questions were:

===============================================================

1. Are you a Christian? Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Savior?
2. Do you even understand what forgiveness is? If you believe that God forgives us of our sins and remembers them no more, why can't you do the same? Why can't you just let this go?
3. How can you DO this to us? Don't you realize what this is doing to us? We're all hurting, and only YOU can clear this whole thing up and 'make it go away.' (Apparently, the 'us' and 'we' referred to my husband, his siblings, his father, his extended family, the neighbors, family friends, acquaintances they want to impress, the mailman, and God knows who else. From this person's communication with me, it seemed that he believed that I was primarily to blame for the entire situation and could somehow have simply waved a magic wand and miraculously 'poofed' it all away. If only I had that kind of power!)

I responded to the 'interrogation' as patiently as I felt that I could. I explained that I have indeed asked Jesus Christ to be the Lord of my life -- and that I am eternally grateful for His grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Furthermore, I expressed to this individual that I HAVE forgiven my husband many, many times over and that I am doing my best to TRY to forget the ways he has hurt the children and I with his words and actions.

The conversation continued. I was informed that my husband was "losing it" emotionally and drinking heavily because credit card companies keep calling him trying to collect money that I owe them. I was asked how I had managed to accumulate more debt than I could repay. I endeavored to explain that I had stayed current on all my bills up until several months prior (when I had spent my entire savings + credit card advance on bus tickets for the kids and I to try to leave my husband by travelling clear across the country to be nearer my family.   That's another long story I'll get into perhaps one day).

I was soooo tempted to elaborate on why I had accumulated so much debt -- to explain the reason I had resorted to credit cards, but I realized it was pointless when I began to receive a lengthy lecture about 'not buying something you can't pay for' -- apparently this person expected me not to buy ANYTHING then.

My ex-husband had always 'managed' the finances and required me to virtually 'beg' to be allowed to spend any of 'his' money. Consequently, when I discovered that I could apply for credit in my own name, I did so. If the kids needed uniforms for school, glasses, medicine, etc. I simply charged it. It felt good not to have to tell the kids, "No, we can't buy ice cream. Daddy's in a bad mood, so I can't ask him for money today." You see, he had the checking account in HIS NAME ONLY.  I was not allowed to even LOOK at HIS checkbook. 

When the kids were upset, we'd 'hole up' in my bedroom with a container of ice cream. Yup, you guessed it, I charged the groceries too. What else was I supposed to do? It beat having to give him a lap dance or a blow job for grocery money.

Several years earlier, I had taken a $1500 cash advance on one credit card to buy a full-size van in MY NAME so that if we had to leave in a hurry, I could pack a few of the kids' things and we could 'camp' in the van until I found a place to go (not a well thought out plan, I realize, but I wasn't aware of any other options at that point).

Truthfully, it really shouldn't have MATTERED if I was $50,000 in the hole (not that it matters, but wasn't even CLOSE to that much, by the way). What I mean by saying that it shouldn't have mattered is that my level of debt was not a valid excuse for him to lose touch with reality and spiral out of control with his drinking.

I should perhaps point out that every PENNY of this 'debt' was accrued on MY personal credit cards and in no way impacted HIS credit rating (our finances had never been 'married' & we'd never had ANY joint accounts EVER. Besides, never ONCE had I indicated that I EVER expected him to pay for a dime of MY debt. So you see, as far as HE was concerned, my debts really SHOULD NOT have mattered. I had never spent 'his' money without his permission or expected him to 'help me' repay my bills (although, to be fair, there were a few times he paid off some of my debt -- but I hadn't ask him to.  If he did pay off any of my debt, he then would proceed to "hold it over my head" and expect extra sexual favors as "repayment").

Just for the the sake of curiosity, I added up how much my husband had spent on cigarettes and booze since we had been together and a CONSERVATIVE estimate is $70-80,000. But I don't hear ANYBODY telling HIM that he has been a poor manager of money. Heavens no, but since *I* charged groceries or gas or clothes because he wasn't working AGAIN, that makes *ME* an EVIL person that's somehow completely responsible for his current mental 'meltdown.' Give me a break .........

I had listened to this person's verbal vomit for as long as I could possibly stand it. He had gone on and on about how the family 'loves me and the kids so much' and how they hoped that soon I will 'come to my senses and stop this legal nonsense.'

THANK GOD someone had come to their door and interrupted them, or who knows how much more I might have had to listen to. Yes, I could have hung up. But that wouldn't have been the 'Christian' thing to do, would it have? LOL ..... and seeing as his family ALREADY seemed to think I was the spawn of Satan, I didn't need to go out of my way to tick them off.

(Lord, forgive me for spitting all that out like that. I'm human, though. And it hurts, Lord -- to have everything you say & do questioned, scrutinized, and judged (often without any factual basis). Humble me, Father. Remind me that but for Your grace, I would be no different.)

I've been wondering how I might have handled the phone call differently -- and whether or not it would have mattered one way or the other. I tried to think of how to put into words what seems so CLEAR to me -- the fact that I have forgiven my husband does NOT mean that I am willing to overlook the things he has said & done (and, sadly, in some cases CONTINUES to say & do). Neither do I think that it is right for me to interfere with the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of his actions. I REFUSED to enable him any longer, to make excuses for him, or to feel GUILTY for doing what I believed was right.
I simply was NOT WILLING to place myself or the children in a situation where there was a potential for further abuse. Why was that so hard for him and his family to grasp?

Today I read through most of Charles Spurgeon's book "All of Grace."

One word -- WOW! Especially chapter 15, entitled:

Repentance Must Go With Forgiveness.

Here is a short bit:
"If the Lord were to say, "You love sin, and live in it, and you are going from bad to worse, but, all the same, I forgive you," this would proclaim a horrible license for iniquity ... So long as God lives, there can be no promise of mercy to those who continue in their evil ways, and refuse to acknowledge their wrongdoing. Repentance ... is a change of mind of the most thorough and radical sort, and it is attended with sorrow for the past, and a resolve of amendment in the future.

Repentance is to leave
The sins we loved before;
And show that we in earnest grieve,
By doing so no more. "
-----------------
Did I happen to say WOW? Nobody says it quite like Spurgeon. I realize that he's speaking of God's forgiveness of OUR sins going hand in hand with OUR Repentance. However, it only stands to reason that the same basic principle should apply in our relationships with others.

My forgiveness of another may not necessarily REQUIRE his/her acknowledgement of wrongdoing, but it would sure be HELPFUL. And it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that I shouldn't be asked repeatedly to 'just forget' the wrong that others have done IF THEY AREN'T EVEN WILLING TO ADMIT that they've done anything wrong and show no apparent remorse. Furthermore, I don't believe it's fair for me to be asked over & over again to 'just forgive' them if they choose to CONTINUE their behavior with no indication of real change having taken place over an extended period of time (empty words and promises mean NOTHING to me; and ANYBODY can 'straighten up' for a few weeks).

I am willing to forgive ... in the limited sense that I choose not to allow bitterness to eat me up from the inside out. I have turned the results/consequences for others' choices over to the Lord and I refuse to hold a grudge.

BUT ... Don't ask me to just 'forget about it.' I cannot, and I will not.

Someday we will ALL have to stand before the throne and answer to Almighty God ... I can't answer for anyone else. I can't see their hearts or read their minds. I have enough to worry about keeping MYSELF 'in line.' Each and every day, I fall on my knees at the foot of the cross and praise God for his abundant grace and forgiveness and pray earnestly that He will continue the work that He's begun in my life.

Broken . . . and Glowing? (freewrite)

A while back, I had bought the kids some of those neon "glow sticks" at the dollar store. They were excited to get them out of the package, but my daughter took one look at hers and tossed it on the floor in disgust. "Mommy, mine doesn't work," she said, "It doesn't glow at all.'

"Sure it does," I assured her, and proceeded to take the tube and bend it back and forth along the length of it to break the glass to release/commingle the chemicals.

"Stop, Mommy!" she exclaimed as she heard the snapping and cracking noises from the glass shattering inside, "you're BREAKING IT!"

I explained to her that the only way to get it to glow is to "break it" on the inside.

Before long, all 3 of them were dancing around waving the brightly colored "wands" in the air, making various shapes and designs.

I couldn't help but think that sometimes I, like my duaghter, shudder when the things around me "shatter."

"Stop it, Lord," I protest, "You're breaking me!"

Who knows, maybe I'm a little like those goofy little plastic toys -- the only way God could get me to "glow" was to "break me on the inside" a little.

I Will Survive (music videos)

Here's some great music!

Lindsay Haun Stronger Than We Know	Rachel Ferguson Stronger Than You Think I Am
Superchick Stand in the Rain	Superchick Beauty from Pain
Queen We Are the Champions	Queen I Want to Break Free
Kirk Franklin Look at Me Now	Jordyn Taylor Strong
Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive	Helen Reddy I Am Woman
Christina Aguilera Soar	Mary Mary Can't Give Up Now
Maria Mena Just a Little Bit	Francesca Battistelli I'm Letting Go
Cascada Who Do You Think You Are?	Destiny's Child Through With Love
Jessica Andrews More to Me Than You	Mary Mary Get Up
Pink So What	Jo Dee Messina My Give a Damn's Busted
from First Wives' Club You Don't Own Me!	Unknown Artist I Am Stronger
Maria Mena He's Hurting Me Warning: 'F' word in song	Leona Lewis Better in Time
Maria Mena Fragile	Maria Mena A Few Small Bruises
Natalie Grant Natalie Grant	Natalie Grant SAFE
Maria Mena Shadow	Maria Mena Nevermind Me
Maria Mena Just Hold Me	Demi Lovato This Is Me
Maria Mena Better Than Nothing	Natalie Grant I Will Not Be Moved
Joe Cocker (I Get By) With a Little Help from My Friends	Christina Aguilera Fighter
Alicia Keys Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart	Alicia Keys Every Little Bit Hurts
Kelly Clarkson Because of You	Timbaland (Too Late to) Apologize
Christina Aguilera (I Am) Beautiful	Christina Aguilera I'm Okay
Kirk Franklin Help Me Believe	Kirk Franklin I Smile
Pink Nobody Knows	Pink Long Way to Happy
Destiny's Child Survivor	Natalie Imbruglia Torn
Lifehouse Broken	Deniece Williams Healing
Tenth Avenue North By Your Side	Jeremy Camp There Will Be a Day
Everything below this was just left here so that when I find more songs I can easily add them.
VIDEO ARTIST TITLE	VIDEO ARTIST TITLE

Sex Addict (collage)

A Sex addict -- what my ex-husband was, and in all likelihood still is.

This Bitter Cup (sonnet)

You're all I've got in this crazy old world,
The only one who listens day and night.
But are You there? Are my prayers even heard?
Can I still trust that You will do what is right?
The way is dark, the night, oh so long,
And no one walks beside me through the fire.
I try to trust that You can right what's wrong,
But all my strength is gone; my children tire.
I've heard someone proclaim: "God's safe to trust.
Life's hard, but God is good - His word is true."
I cannot carry on, but know I must
Keep trying, though I don't know what to do.
Please help me, Lord, I feel like giving up.
Give me the strength to drink this bitter cup.

I'm Not Quitting . . . Yet . . .

PTSD ... I'm convinced that must stand for "Pretty Tough Stuff Daily" ... the awful nightmares, crippling body memories, intrusive flashbacks, and all the other "fun stuff" that goes along with it.

I had a particularly challenging therapy session today, to the point that I was physically ill & vomiting afterwards. I crawled home so utterly exhausted that it was all I could do to fix supper for the kids before collapsing in bed, virtually catatonic and shaking. I just lay there in a trance for about an hour with the eternal "to do" list running through my mind, trying desperately to will myself to snap out of it, get up, and get busy. But it was no use. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I took a series of deep, cleansing breaths and tried to reground & center myself. Not helpful. Then, from somewhere deep inside, the thought came to me, "So, that's it then, huh? You're just going to let him win? You're just going to give up?"

Not in this lifetime! I drug myself out of bed and began washing the dishes & wiping off the kitchen counters. I checked the kids' backpacks, started supper, and unloaded & reloaded the washing machine ... and was suddenly startled by the realization that I was ... HUNGRY. Had I eaten yet today? I realized I hadn't (aside from the snack I'd eaten during therapy, which I had promptly thrown up afterward). I poured myself a bowl of cereal, sloshed in some milk, and started devouring it. I was FAMISHED. I relished the texture of each bite as it crunched around my mouth, enjoying the wonderful sensation of being ALIVE.

"That's right," I thought to myself, "I'm HERE. I'm alive. I survived. I WON, and HE LOST!"

I may have nightmares again tonight. Such is life. But I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I didn't come this far to cower in fear because of a few pesky flashbacks & traumatic memories. And that's all they are -- MEMORIES! It's OVER! He can't hurt me anymore! And I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to let the things he said & did to me keep stealing the joy out of my life.

Walking into my daughter's room to tuck her in and seeing her lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I realized that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for.

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will go on living. I will go on healing. I will go on BEING. I will learn to let myself feel without fearing the feelings. I will learn to share without fearing rejection or judgment. I will learn to sleep without fearing the nightmares. And someday ... maybe ... I will learn to love again ... without worrying about being tormented & terrorized.

I can do this. I am NOT a quitter. I'm a survivor!

This Thing Called Fate (sonnet)

Like going to the store only to find
They closed an hour ago; the doors are locked.
It rattles your cage and addles your mind,
Why didn't you stop to look at the clock?
Like the perfect dress, but not the right size,
They have larger and smaller, but not yours.
It frustrates you, even crosses your eyes,
Til you wonder what you went shopping for.
Like going to work to find that you're off
And didn't even need to go at all.
Like having no Halls when you have a cough,
It can leave you wanting to climb the wall.
Sometimes in life it's too little, too late,
I guess that's what it is -- this thing called fate.

Group Therapy (collage)

Ah, the joys of group therapy (gasp, gag, sarcasm) . . . .

That is the Soul (poem)

In succession,
In division,
In confusion,
We all live.
In parts,
In particles,
In pieces,
We all survive.
Bit by bit,
We see the world,
Both you and I;
But the whole
Of what we see
Of what we are
Of what we will become --
That is the soul.

She gazes ever forward
Building a new world,
Burying the old world.
She is not bound by tradition,
By circumstance,
Or by fate.
She knows only herself.

The tapestry of time,
Woven of memories,
Both dark and light,
Is the gleaming garment
With which she is clothed.

When she speaks,
It is only a whisper
That she alone can hear --
For the voice of the soul
Is far more often
A feeling
An instinct
What is left unsaid,
Rather than the mere exchange
Of empty words.

She is a fortress,
A tower of strength;
Yet she is as vulnerable
As a newborn child.
She is as old as the stars in the sky,
Still, every morning, she is reborn anew.

Worship her,
Nurture her --
Let her be your dearest friend.

For if you do not know
The depths of your own soul,
You are doomed to wander
Aimlessly
Through this wasteland of life
In search of completion,
Fulfillment,
And peace.

Let her lead you to the source
Of all good things - -
For they begin within
The infinite expanse
Of your very own soul.

Do you need to LOL? (funny pictures montage)

You know how they say a picture says a thousand words?  

These pictures should cause a thousand laughs!

And last but not least, please don't die laughing . . . especially not here . . .

Whatever It Takes (freewrite)

Today I've been thinking of some of my all-time favorite Bible passages:

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.' "
Matthew 11:28-30 (New Living Translation)

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior ... You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. Do not be afraid, for I am with you. From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch you out of my hand."
Isaiah 43: 1-5, 13 (New Living Translation)

 I'm beginning to be convinced that God allows difficult or traumatic circumstances in our lives to draw us close to Him and KEEP us there.

You see, I am and have always been, a VERY stubborn, independent person. My pride and desire to be self-sufficient have gotten me into trouble more times than I like to admit.

In my late teens, rather than ask for help when I didn't have money for rent and car insurance, I compromised my moral standards and betrayed the very essence of who I was simply to 'pay the bills.' Why? I was too proud to admit that I couldn't do it myself.  I'm sure my parents would have gladly helped me out (had I let them know that I was struggling financially), but I didn't even give them that opportunity. 

Later, when I found myself in a difficult relationship, I ignored the warnings of those whose wisdom I SHOULD HAVE trusted, and got married anyway. I don't know what I was trying to prove, but I certainly wasn't about to admit that I'd made a mistake in entering into the relationship in the first place. After all, I thought I was a grown woman, and I simply would not tolerate anyone telling ME how to live my life. That included God (at that particular time in my life, at least).

If things had been more of a "bed of roses" from that point on, I might have simply continued to manage everything on my own -- completely unwilling to surrender to the sovereignty of God. After all, what would I have needed Him for?  It was only when life knocked me flat on my face that I was forced to look up and rekindle a faith that had grown cold.

If I had never had to scrimp and save, never wondered how the bills would get paid, and never had to do without or make sacrifices, I might never have learned to trust Him as Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.

If I had never been shamed, brutalized, and wounded inside & out, I might never have learned to rely on Him as Jehovah-Rapha, my Healer.

If I had never wandered through a maze of confusion and manipulation, I might never have learned to count on my Shepherd, Jehovah-Ra-Ah, for guidance and direction.

If I had never been paralyzed by terror, tormented by guilt, consumed by worry, or frustrated by injustice, I might never have learned to rest in the peace that Jehovah-Shalom alone can provide.

If I had never suffered agonizing loss after agonizing loss, I might never have learned to lean on Him as the divine Comforter.

If I had never felt trapped and alone in the depths of darkness, I might never have searched for the divine illumination that only the Light of the World can give.

If I had never been completely exhausted and utterly spent -- physically, spiritually, and emotionally, I might never have experienced the incredible rejuvenation found only in El Shaddai (Almighty God, the Strength Giver).

Maybe the Lord knew that the only way to keep me

close to Him was to strip me of everything else.

Perhaps He knew that if my life were too 'easy,' I would rely on myself instead of trusting in Him. It's quite possible that God either directly sent me problems or allowed certain difficulties in my life for the specific purpose of bringing me to my knees at the foot of the Cross ..... And KEEPING ME THERE.

And you know what? MOST of the time, I'm quite okay with that (I do have my moments of questioning and doubting like everyone else does). I'd rather go through hell on earth with Jesus by my side than live a life of ease without Him.

Which reminds me of the words to a great 'old' gospel song (youtube video is below the lyrics):

Whatever It Takes
There's a voice calling me
From an old rugged tree
And He whispers, 'Draw closer to Me;
Leave this world far behind,
There are new heights to climb,
And a new place in Me you will find.'

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
Take the dearest things to me,
If that's how it must be,
To draw me closer to Thee;
Let the disappointments come,
Lonely days without the sun,
If through sorrow more like You I'll become.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Take my houses, my lands,
Change my dreams, change my plans
For I'm placing my whole life in Your hands;
And if You call me today to a place far away
Lord, I'll go, and Your will I'll obey.

For whatever it takes to draw closer to you, Lord,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes to be more like You,
That's what I'll be willing to do.
I'll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain --
That's what I'll be willing to do.
For whatever it takes for my will to break,
That's what I'll be willing to do.

Words and Music by Lanny Wolfe