Who's Your Bitch NOW? (sonnet)

You took my soul from me a million times.
You said I'd be a fool to try to leave.
After years of you messing with my mind,
There was some of it I almost believed.
You called me a slut and a worthless whore,
A cunt, a bitch, and a few that were worse.
You raped me til I couldn't take much more,
And then would laugh in my face and just curse.
You said I was stupid, ugly, and fat.
You gave me no mercy when I cried out.
I learned to be silent through all of that,
For if I complained, it was worse, no doubt.
And yet I did survive . . . someway, somehow --
One thing I have to ask, "Who's your bitch NOW?"

Almost Gone (sonnet)

Just today, in front of the kitchen sink,
I stood for what seemed like over an hour.
"What is the problem?" I surely did think,
Why am I still giving this man power?
I remembered all the times he hurt me --
He said me washing dishes turned him on.
I cringed when I thought of the agony,
But then I remembered -- the bastard's GONE!
He cannot hurt me like that any more.
He can't trap me alone in my kitchen.
Somehow, I'm not as afraid as before,
Because someone took the time to listen.
I'll wash these plates and then just carry on,
For the hold he had on me's almost gone.

My Plan of Attack (sonnet)

It is not defeat if I should fall down,
And it is not a loss if I feel pain.
Defeat begins when I stay on the ground --
I win when I get up and try again.
I will make mistakes along this journey.
I will take a step backwards now and then,
But it's all good, so long as I'm learning
There are roads I shouldn't travel again.
There will be detours that get in my way.
There will  be waters too deep to wade through,
But as long as I take it day by day,
There's nothing in this world that I can't do.
I will learn to look forward and not back.
Tackling today is my plan of attack.

Floating on a Cloud (sonnet)

I'm floating on a cloud of purest white,
Away from the web of life's tangled mess.
I've escaped into the darkness of night.
I'm no longer trapped by the straps of stress.
Just ask me if I have a single care;
I'll tell you that I don't, they've flown away.
There is no pain to be found anywhere,
I've banished trauma, at least for today.
So ask me how I feel, I dare you to.
I'll tell you that I feel nothing at all. 
For just a few hours the agony's through.
I'm dead to the world and my mind's a wall.
Right now there's no where else I'd rather be,
For I'm nowhere at all right now, you see.  

I Feel So Lost (sonnet)

I feel so lost in a big, brand new world --
In a game where I don't know all the rules.
All alone, just a frightened little girl,
Asked to build a life without many tools.
I know how to be a mother quite well.
I know that I'm expected to work, too,
But the "extras," nobody wants to tell;
I'm left wond'ring what I'm supposed to do.
If I make a wrong choice, my kids are gone.
If I do too much at once, I collapse.
I'm terrified that I'll do something "wrong."
I don't know who to trust or who to ask.
I can't please ev'ryone at once, it seems,
I am still figuring out what life means.

Letter to Santa (sonnet)

If I wrote a letter to Santa Claus,
I'd ask for a personal chef and maid.
I'd ask to erase everything that was.
I'd ask why I took it and why I stayed.
But Santa isn't real, of that I'm sure,
So a letter would be pointless to write.
I simply have to deal with things that were
And do my best to live my life now right.
Oh, to be a child again, and believe
In beings with power to change the world.
What gifts would I ask that I could receive
If I were still just an innocent girl?
I'd ask for all the pain to go away
So I can make it through another day.

Never Be the Same (sonnet)

From the moment we met, I ceased to live.
My self became a shadow with no voice.
I gave you all of me that I could give.
You never even gave me one small choice.
I soon stopped even thinking for myself --
My thoughts didn't really matter at all.
It was your way or the highway, or else . . .
Either way, I was up against a wall.
Your brutal acts convinced me hope was dead.
I gave up even feeling what you did.
Each time you drug me off to go to bed,
I found a spot inside my head and hid.
A child was all I was before you came.
I know that I will never be the same.

I See Some Light (sonnet)

Ugly demons from the past, running wild,
Tear at the very fibers of my soul.
Although I am grown, I feel like a child,
Trapped alone at the bottom of a hole.
Bags of crap are falling down around me --
The old and new, they scatter on the ground.
I close my eyes so that I will not see
The horror that is piling up around.
Determined not to drown beneath this shit,
I grasp at some roots and begin to climb.
More's raining down, but I just ignore it.
I will not lose this battle of the mind.
I see some light shining down from the top,
And until I reach it, I will not stop.

Divorce is Divorce (poem)

Well, divorce is divorce, of course, of course,
Unless that divorce just happens to be
Unending in matrimonial courts,
And also wreaking havoc with me.
So, divorce is divorce, of course, of course,
Unless that divorce just happens to be
A game played by some almost like a sport,
With no winner or loser that I can see.
Now divorce is divorce, of course of course,
Unless that divorce just happens to be
Separation from the ass of a horse
That was once married to me.

I'll Always Be There (sonnet)

More than once, the thought of your small faces
Has kept me from doing things I'd regret.
I'm much more careful, now, going places --
Visiting memories I can't forget.
Your young lives are intertwined now with mine;
What's good for you matters more than all else.
As your mother, I spend most of my time
Thinking of you, and little of myself.
Each breath I take, I breathe only for you.
My child, you're loved more than you'll ever know.
I may not always choose what's right to do.
I may not always find a way to show
The way my world revolves around your care.
I'm not perfect, but I'll always be there.

Christmas in Reverse (sonnet)

It's almost like Christmas, but in reverse.
There are "gifts" to be opened and explored.
Known or unknown, I'm not sure which is worse --
One thing's for certain, I will not be bored!
I wrapped each mem'ry and stowed it away
Because the pain it held was much too great.
The time has come and today is the day --
No more excuses, no more time to wait.
Do I shake each "box" to see what appears?
Do I judge what is inside based on size?
Do I measure the impact based on tears,
Or do I poke and hope with tight-shut eyes?
I must admit, of this I'm most perplexed,
Which "present" shall I choose to open next?

A Journey Just Begun (sonnet)

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo -- just pick one.
The good, the bad, the ugly; all are there.
Nobody said this process would be fun,
But without pain, I won't get anywhere.
Don't want therapy to be my career.
I will do the work that needs to be done,
Break the bonds of trauma that hold me here,
Won't hide from anything or anyone.
Life is too short to live in yesterday,
Far too precious to wallow in sorrow.
No matter what, I'll try to find a way
To always keep focused on tomorrow.
This journey may be one I've just begun,
But I will not give up until I'm done.

What's the Hold Up? (sonnet)

Is it too disturbing, even for you?
Are you afraid of what I have to say?
Are you afraid it's more than you can do?
Are you afraid that you don't know the way?
First you said to wait a little longer.
Then you said we must wait a little more.
All this time the feeling's growing stronger,
The burning urges I cannot ignore.
You said that you could help me sort it out.
You said you had experience with all this.
Well, tell me what the wait is all about?
Is there something important that I missed?
Please tell me that you won't give up on me;
There's no one else to help me through, you see. 

I Traveled Among You (sonnet)

I traveled among you for thirty years --
We shared stories, we shared wine, we shared bread.
You saw my joy and you witnessed my tears.
You knew I had no place to rest my head.
I never had a home to call my own.
My family preferred to think me dead.
Ignored by most, I often felt alone.
You listened, but rarely heard what I said.
At times my mission seemed quite clear to me,
While at others I doubted who I was.
The crowds clamored for miracles to see --
They asked, "How does he do what he does?"
So many blessings for you to receive;
Yet you had to see the scars to believe.

Replanting (sonnet)

Firmly resolved, I strain under the plow,
Digging each furrow as straight as I can.
I'm really not sure what I'm planting now,
But I'm trying my best to use the land.
I do not know when the harvest will be,
Or if anything will grow here at all.
I guess I will just have to wait and see,
And let the seeds sprout wherever they fall.
Will drought come and destroy my costly crop?
Will storms blow over the plants as they grow?
Will there be floods that no barrier can stop?
These are all things I simply do not know.
I refuse to let this soil lie in waste;
Freedom's fruit is something I long to taste.

Purging My Soul (sonnet)

Greeting memories of days now gone by,
Embracing emotions I could not feel.
Questions remain, and I still don't know why
The pain inside feels so real.
Releasing judgment and giving up blame,
I try to find a way to understand.
There's no reason for me to own this shame.
Letting go, I find a way to stand.
Purging my soul of the trauma within,
White-washing the walls of my heart with peace,
Believing that each trauma had an end,
I can fin'lly find some form of release.
From chaos to cathartic expression,
There's healing in each honest confession.

A Princess Falls (sonnet)

Once a lovely princess in dawn's new light
Drank a poisoned potion that some call love.
Its venom filled her veins that very night,
But there were some things she wasn't sure of.
She didn't know the pain would start so fast.
She didn't know that death would come so slow,
How long the torture and pain would last,
How incredibly deep the wounds would go.
Her choices were the first to fade away.
Her Self became a shadow on the wall.
She felt herself slipping down more each day,
Until nothing substantial was left at all.
Her castle, a prison without a door.
Her crown, a veil of tears she always wore.

Ready to Swing (sonnet)

The bell rings like an echo in my head.
I wipe the sweat and blood from off my face.
I'm down, I hear the count, but I'm not dead,
And I will not let this end in disgrace.
I muster up all the will I can find
To pull myself up on my knees and hands.
I scrape the corners of my weary mind
To summon an army from no man's land.
I lean on the ropes and pull myself up,
Willing my body to do as I ask.
The killer rounds have been many enough,
And I don't know if I'm up to the task.
I hold my head high, get ready to swing,
And pray they don't drag me out of this ring.

Uphold Me, Lord (sonnet)

Uphold me, Lord, when my footsteps falter.
Keep my upright when I waver and fall.
Bring me low before Your Holy alter,
I sacrifice to You my life, my all.
May Your praises ever be on my lips,
May my gratitude be without an end.
Hold me tightly each time I nearly slip.
You're the nearest thing I have to a Friend.
May my prayers to You be conversations,
Like pals who're speaking one to another.
Show me Your own secret revelations,
Comfort like a loving, older Brother.
May my outstretched arms praise You like the trees;
For only You can bring me into peace.

My Own Hero (sonnet)

Nobody is coming to rescue me,
No knight in bright armor will save the day.
I can't really count on others to be
The thing that gets me moving on my way.
My mother won't be coming to my aid,
My friends have problems, plenty of their own.
So why is it that I'm still so afraid -
After all I'm a woman that is grown?
My children look to me for direction,
But I've no energy to lead the way.
Exhaustion spreads just like an infection,
Leaving me but a blob of shapeless clay.
My own hero, I'll simply have to be.
I cannot count on anyone but me.

A Brand New Day (sonnet)

Today I feel the shadows rolling in,
The clouds obscure the sunlight in the sky.
I can't seem to find the will to begin,
I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know why.
I know blue skies are out there just waiting
For me to open up my wings and fly.
So why am I sitting here debating
Whether or not I should give in and cry?
The blessings around are such a glory,
Opportunity's knocking on my door.
Now is the time to rewrite my story,
So what exactly am I waiting for?
A brand new day is dawning just for me,
Lord, help me make it the best it can be!

Simply Have to Wait (sonnet)

No little green car in the parking lot,
No smiling face to meet me at the door,
I thought she would be there, but she was not,
I had my dates all mixed up yet once more.
Here I was prepared to bare all my scars,
My heart was hanging, tattered, on my sleeve,
And I had wasted many useless hours
Convincing myself there'd be a reprieve.
Of course it is not that big of a deal,
I can pack up the worries, thoughts, and dreams.
I'll tell myself I have to wait to feel
Until sometime next week, or so it seems.
I am often early and seldom late.
All my issues will simply have to wait.

The Maze in My Mind (sonnet)

Ageless and nameless and faceless, I feel,
As though I do not fit in anywhere.
Are my thoughts or my feelings even real,
Or did some weird stroke of fate put them there?
There are some things I know with certainty,
But there are so many things that I doubt.
I have learned a great deal from books, you see,
But there's still so much I can't figure out. 
Do others struggle with questions like these,
Or am I just some special kind of freak?
Will my heart and mind ever be at ease?
Will I ever find the answers I seek?
How on earth will I ever hope to find
A way to explain the maze in my mind?

A Moment to Remember (sonnet)

I pause here a moment to remember
All the babies I never got to hold,
And with a mother's love, warm and tender,
I ponder memories that won't grow cold.
Though they never even had a name,
Though their lungs took nary a single breath,
Yet still I wept and mourned each one the same,
And felt the stinging pain of ev'ry death.
Knowing that a child had grown there within,
One that would never see the light of day;
Knowing its little life would ne'er begin
Caused me pain that will never go away.
As eight balloons float to the skies above,
I pray they'll know they'll always have my love.

Alone in a Crowd (sonnet)

"Those who want friends must show themselves friendly,"
That mantra I heard whenever I asked
Why playmates were few and issues many.
Making connections was such a hard task.
Just when I thought there was someone to play,
Just when I let down my guard just a bit,
For some unknown reason they went away,
Leaving me wondering why I don't fit.
I am an island, I guess you could say,
Alone in a crowd that walks right on by.
The only ones who care are ones I pay
With money or stories of days gone by.
No one could ever see past all my scars.
Guess I'll just sit here and stare at the stars.

I Will Not Throw in the Towel (sonnet)

Although right now I have no idea how,
I may bend here and there, but I won't break.
I'll honor my promise, I'll keep my vow.
I'll be careful with the choices I make.
I will clean up my house, clean up my act,
And I'll find a way to keep on going.
I'll fight and strive to keep my Self intact,
I will be all-seeing and all-knowing.
No excuses, I've used up my chances,
And I cannot afford to blow this now.
No should haves, could haves, or backward glances,
I'll push on even though I don't know how.
I have three huge reasons to get this right.
I will not throw in the towel tonight!

Is It Okay? (Sonnet)

Is it okay for me to feel joyful?
Is it okay for me to feel pleasure?
Is it okay for me to say I'm full
When my stomach's had more than its measure?
Is it okay for me to cry sometimes,
Even if I don't know why I'm crying?
Is it okay, for no reason or rhyme,
To feel at times like I'm almost dying?
Is it okay for me to feel confused?
Is it okay to not know what to do,
To be sick of always being abused?
Is it okay to just be who I am?
Is it okay that I don't understand?

Fighting Feelings with Fire (sonnet)

Numb to all feeling and dead to the world,
Asleep or awake, it does not matter.
A flag of surrender has been unfurled.
The bustle around me is just chatter.
I long to feel alive, long to feel real,
But I fear that I will feel the wrong thing,
And what will I do with the things I'd feel,
The emotions that come with remem'bring.
Burning within me lies a strong desire
To find some meaning, to find some purpose,
But you can't fight feelings by adding fire,
And covering scars with scars makes things worse.
What on earth is it that I'm searching for?
God please, I don't want to hurt anymore.

Rise Above (sonnet)

Clouds threaten as the darkness fills the sky,
And raindrops fall like feathers on the wind.
I fight to hold back tears, but don't know why
The sadness overtakes me once again.
My future's looking bright, and so I know
I should be filled with joy with each new day.
I can't forget the pain that plagues me so;
Why can't the stupid mem'ries go away?
I try to see the sunlight through the rain,
The pot of gold at ev'ry rainbow's end,
But still I'm left to wonder once again
If loneliness will always be my friend.
One day I know I'll rise above this mess,
If I rejoice more and remember less.

The Memories Reappear (sonnet)

A trigger, the memories reappear,
As clear as if I were still there that night.
Awash in the horror, terror, and fright,
I'm held tightly in the choke hold of fear.
I hear the pitter patter down the hall
Of little feet, and hear a tiny voice.
I cannot answer, cannot speak at all;
It's then I wish I had some other choice.
"Where ARE you, Mom? What are you hiding for?"
I wish that I could run and hold him close,
And save him from this scene he's seen before,
This evil that I've come to dread the most.
There's nothing I can do, I cannot speak.
Oh how on earth could I have been so weak?

Running Away (poem)

Warming my soul with a glass of champagne,
I float away to a land of sweet peace. 
Drowing the memories, drowing the pain,
Finding a small way to find some release.
Is it very wrong to not want to feel?
Is it so horrible to run away?

I took some cash. And I took a trip.
I just had to get away from all the shit.
I got a hotel room and locked myself in.
Is wanting to get drunk a forgivable sin?

I drank til I puked, and then I drank more.
I drank til I could barely crawl across the floor.
I drank til the pain was a distant memory.
I drank til I forget all the shit you did to me.

Flat Broke (sonnet)

What do you do when you are "all grown up"
And you still don't know what you want to be?
What do you do when you just don't know what
To do when you are screwed financially?
You can run like a chicken beheaded
And try to find a better paying job,
But still they arrive, those bills you've dreaded,
And the "saints" seem as absent as their God.
You can ask for more hours (good luck with that),
You can try to sell stuff in a flier,
But still the fact remains that you're broke (FLAT) --
It's no surprise the situation's dire.
Where do you go? Who do you ask for help?
It feels like you're all alone, by yourself.

Just ONCE (sonnet)

Just ONCE I'd like to have enough money
To pay all the bills that are due on time.
I worry so much that it's not funny --
The stress of it all but consumes my mind.
Why is it that certain people are born
Into wealth they have done nothing to earn?
Working for peanuts, to them that's foreign,
And they always have lots of cash to burn.
They have no idea what it's like to stress
Over late paychecks, overdrafts, and such.
They've never had to worry or obsess
About their budget or finances much.
They say that happiness cannot be bought,
But having what we need would help a lot!
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The Sky's the Limit (sonnet)

I am busting right through the clear blue sky,
Grasping for the stars now within my reach,
Spreading my wings out and learning to fly,
And learning the lessons life has to teach.
I'm breathing the freedom of each new day,
Holding fast to the dreams I've held so long,
Blasting through the obstacles in my way,
And singing the words to a brand new song.
Embracing the wondrous joy of it all,
I'm rising above the things that once were,
Celebrating victories large and small,
Secure in knowing my footsteps are sure.
"The sky's the limit" is such a trite phrase,
But that's how I'm truly feeling these days!

My Own Pleasure (sonnet)

What is better than ice cream after sex,
Still awash in each orgasm's tingle?
Each climax arising to meet the next --
Never mind the fact that I am single!
I didn't need a man to deliver
The ecstasy that rocked me to the core.
It took just a toy to make me quiver,
Each jolt was better than the one before.
There was no need to inform or explain
What I wanted or needed, how or when.
There was no pressure; no hot, searing pain.
I decided when to start, when to end.
Don't pity me for being all alone --
For once I can have pleasure all my own.
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Little by Little (sonnet)

Little by little, I challenge my fate,
I lean into the load that each day brings.
My body's so weary and tired of late --
I cannot force it to do anything.
Encouraged by hope, undaunted by fear,
I rise to each new challenge that I face.
I cling to the faith that's carried me here,
And pray I can continue in this race.
Now looking forward to a brand new day,
My feet still slip on shadows of the past,
Yet I trudge onward and try anyway,
Praying each painful step will be the last.
I'm ready to hunt down the dreams I seek.
My spirit's willing, but my flesh is weak.

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Keep Sailing On (sonnet)

How do you make a thousand mile trip?
How do you cross the ocean wide and blue?
You push away the dock and sail your ship,
Taking one day at a time, never two.
Keep your eyes always fixed on tomorrow,
Let yesterday disappear out of view.
Don't be swayed or sunk by storms of sorrow,
Let hope and faith guide ev'rything you do.
Feel the sun shining warm upon your face,
Feel the gentle breeze blowing through your hair,
Remind yourself that this is not a race,
But a journey through life from here to there.
Let determination fill up your sail.
Keep ever sailing on, you shall not fail.

Was This the Only Way? (sonnet)

Gut wrenching sobs from the pit of my soul,
I try to stop, but the tears still flow on.
Feels like I'm broken in two, never whole,
All the days since my children have been gone.
I pray, but my prayers bounce right off the wall.
I beg and I plead for God to hear me.
I wish I could protect them from this all,
What I wouldn't give to have them near me.
But God is asleep, or maybe He's deaf,
Or maybe He just simply doesn't care.
I've cried til I haven't any tears left,
But it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
What is it that You're trying to teach me?
Was this the only way You could reach me?

Somewhere, Someday, Somehow (sonnet)

Somewhere out there is there a man, like me,
Who seeks a mate to complement his soul.
Somewhere out there is someone who could be
The other half of me to make a whole.
Somewhere out there could be just the someone
I've never met, but yearned for all my life.
Someday perhaps, my loneliness all done,
I'll take my place as someone's cherished wife.
Somehow, maybe, God's will includes a mate,
A character that just might match with mine.
Someday, perhaps, if it is not too late,
I'll find the man for me, by God's design.
Somewhere, someday, somehow, if it's to be,
I'll find the one that God's prepared for me.

Worn and Weary (sonnet)

How hard would it have been to just say "no,
I cannot stay and help you through the night.
Tomorrow I have places I must go,
And I can't function without sleeping right."
But no, I think I have to save the world,
That I must care for ev'rybody else.
But what about this worn and weary girl?
When will I learn to care about myself?
I worry so about what others think,
I don't want to inconvenience them.
So here I sit with my coffee to drink,
And will I sleep tonight? If not, then when?
Someday I really need to fin'lly learn
Not to let both ends of the candle burn.

Candy Land (sonnet)

So we're back to the game of Candy Land,
We're not stuck in the Lollipop Forest
Like we had been for weeks and weeks on end,
But in the Molasses Swamp now we "rest."
I don't know how many "turns" we'll spend here,
Perhaps we'll have to go back to the start.
I don't know how I'll dry up all my tears,
Or explain to my children's broken hearts.
How is it that this injustice can be?
How am I to deal with this load of pain?
Just when I thought life was setting us free,
My hopes were squashed completely flat again.
I don't know how much more pain I can take
Before I stop bending and fin'lly break.

One Chapter Closed (sonnet)

One chapter closed and another begins,
Or is it the end of a book and the
Start of a new one where the other ends;
Time to live what is and forget what was.
Where will I go on this, my new journey?
Will there be signs to guide along the way?
Will I be stuck here for eternity,
Or will I find myself a brighter day?
No iron fetters now to hold me back,
No bitter bonds of "love" to keep me still.
Unsure of what it is that I now lack,
I don't know the way, but find it I will.
The challenge of tomorrow seems immense.
But I'll manage it just like all the rest.

The Storm's Increased (sonnet)

I saw a lighthouse drawing me to shore,
A beacon of hope lit my shadowed path.
Distraught, I prayed in anguish to the Lord,
"Please let this storm I'm fighting be the last."
The thunder raged about me 'round the clock,
The waves came up and over on the deck.
I felt my ship pulled near the jagged rocks,
Yet still I clung to hope and craned my neck --
Yearning for a glimpse of the distant shore,
Longing to be rescued from all the pain,
Buffeted by gales I couldn't ignore,
Drowning in bucketfulls of pouring rain.
Just when I thought I'd find a resting place,
The storm's increased and trashed my flimsy faith.

Email Auto-Responder (humor)

Trouble with an overflowing email inbox of novel-length communications? Try setting the following as your email auto-responder (at the very least you may get someone to LOL):
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend, Family Member, Loved One, and/or Business Associate:

Thank you for your email, which, if it is under 5 sentences long, I have read and will eventually reply to.

Owing to the large volume of email I'm receiving at this time, please note that if your email was longer than 5 sentences it may take me up to 14 days to respond to your email (if I respond at all).

In the interim, please rest assured that I am attempting to address, resolve, or think about the matter you have described (unless I'm avoiding it altogether).

On rare occasions, I may respond almost immediately to emails that are shorter than 5 sentences with a one or two word response. Here is a guide to those responses:

LOL: I am laughing out loud at the humor or sheer stupidity of the matter about which you wrote.

Haha! : see LOL

Thank you: Thank you

Yes: I approve of, agree with, or give consent to that which you have written.

No: I do not approve of, agree with, or give consent to that which you have written.

Boo : I am palpably disappointed and/or trying to scare you.

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Should you receive one of these 1 or 2 word responses, please do not read anything into it. More often than not, such responses may not even correspond to the content of your email.

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Don't Give Up Now (sonnet)

A fire begins as just a single spark,
A flood begins as just a drop of rain,
A dream begins as a beat of your heart,
And miracles can happen despite pain.
Don't have to build a dam to stop a drip,
Don't have to win them all, just have to try.
Just take a step to start a longer trip,
You don't need any special wings to fly.
A thousand reasons to keep going on,
A hundred reasons to give in and quit.
You can't get back the days that are now gone,
Just take a breath and learn to deal with it.
There are still more battles yet to be won.
Don't give up now, you've only just begun!

The Rapist Walks Free (sonnet)

The memories still haunt me in the night,
The flashbacks still plague me during the day.
What about this picture is not right?
So many things I never got to say.
I never called the cops to come for him,
I chose, instead, to suffer in my shame.
It wasn't simply on a flimsy whim,
That I protected him and his "good name."
I thought about our kids, and shut my eyes
To all the hellish things he did to me.
I guess that it should come as no surprise
That things would turn out as they seem to be.
Justice does not exist (at least for me);
Tonight, my husband, the rapist, walks free.

Sing Me a Lullaby (sonnet)

Can't somebody sing me a lullaby,
Like I think my mother always used to?
I can't sleep and I'm much too old to cry,
So what's a very tired woman to do?
Can't someone get me some milk in a glass,
And warm it like I remember she did,
Or hot cocoa, that would do the trick fast,
I would finally be sleeping instead.
Can't somebody rock me and hold me close,
Like I think my dad must have always done?
I think it's the hugs that I miss the most,
And being alone isn't any fun.
It's true that I'm being a big baby,
But even grownups have "those days," maybe.

No Point Wasting Time (sonnet)

Do raindrops drizzling wish that they were snow?
Do snowflakes swirling wish that they were rain?
Does thunder ever care to even know
From where on earth it's booming power came?
Does the water flowing downstream ask where?
Does the seed that's aloft the breeze know why?
Does the child at its mother's bosom care?
If they have no worries, then why should I?
Not even a single sparrow that falls
Is unseen by my Father's watching eyes,
He hears each fallen creature as it calls,
Our mournful tears to Him are no surprise.
So let life carry you where e'er it may.
No point wasting time on worry today.

How It Feels to Be Saved (sonnet)

Like icy lemonade on a hot day,
Like a cozy scarf in cold mid-winter,
Like all the lights turning green in your way,
Like a needle when you've got a splinter,
Like a wrench and jack when you have a flat,
Like an emery board when a nail snags,
Like a GPS to tell where you're at,
Like extra hands when you're carrying bags,
Like a baby's giggle when you feel down,
Like a warm glass of milk when you can't sleep,
Like whispers from God when no one's around,
Like a lifeguard's arms when you're in too deep;
That's how it feels to be saved and know it.

That's what it means to know God and show it.

A Swing and a Miss (sonnet)

I'm up to bat, the bottom of the ninth,
Our team has now fallen so far behind.
I tap my shoes, and step up to the line,
Aware the responsibility's mine.
I wait for the pitch, swing with all my might,
And get nothing but a whiff of hot air.
I regroup, regrip, and retake my stance,
Stare down the pitcher with an icy glare,
Waiting for a fast ball; give me a chance. 
I look to the outfield and choose my spot,
Ready my bat for the oncoming ball,
Hoping for something hittable; it's not,
It's a curve, and I can't connect at all.
Just when I thought I knew what life's about,
A swing and a miss, and I've just struck out. 

Let Hope Carry You (sonnet)

Hope can be a very powerful thing --
It can lift up a weary, sagging soul,
It can give a grounded spirit new wings,
It can make a wounded heart feel more whole.
Hope is a light in the darkest of nights,
A banner that waves over the lonely,
A beacon that beckons toward the light,
Reminding you that you're not the only
One who feels doubtful, exhausted, and down.
Hope is a bubble to keep you afloat,
A faithful friend that always comes around,
In life's mournful song, it's a cheery note.
Let hope carry you beyond your wishes,
To something your dreams will find delicious!

Catch Twenty Two (sonnet)

Catch twenty two, that's the way it will be.
No win situation; deadlines I can't meet.
If I succeed, I fail miserably,
Nowhere solid for me to place my feet.
A temporary place that I call home,
But nothing to really count on to stay.
No one to rely on, I feel so alone,
Despite what all the professionals say.
A friend or two do give encouragement,
But they cannot change the course of my path.
A blessing or two that are heaven sent,
But no solutions that are holding fast.
Do I dare believe miracles exist?
Am I damned to always wond'ring like this?

A Longing for Heaven (sonnet)

When questions line up like soldiers in line
To take their shot at my crumbling resolve,
When each day seems lacking sufficient time,
And the problems seem too many to solve,
When the worries press and the cares distress,
When the bills are many and checks are few,
When all of life seems a big, jumbled mess,
And I seldom seem to know what to do,
When I fall to the floor on shaking knees,
When I cry to the sky without reply,
When I beg of God, and even say please,
And yet still don't have the answer to "why?"
That's when I cling to promises He's giv'n.
That's when I feel a longing for heaven.

Leaning on the Lord (sonnet)

Just put one foot in front of the other,
And just take one little step at a time.
Trust your subtle instincts as a mother,
Tell yourself, "ev'rything will be just fine."
Just wake up each and every morning,
And with a genuine smile, greet the day.
With each sunset as the daylight's fading,
Say, "we will all make it through this okay."
Never doubt God's power for a second,
Never falter from the path He shows you.
Never linger when His Spirit beckons,
Don't forget He made you and He knows you.
You'll find answers; keep trusting in His word.
You'll find comfort; keep leaning on the Lord.

Today's Comics

It's kind of funny, boys "grow up" into men, but they are often still "thoughtless, worthless clods, insensitive and crude.  They're just like little children - annoying, loud and rude, with hearts as hard as concrete and brains as dense as lead."  Apparently, the whole "growing up" process doesn't affect them all that much . . .

That one is basically self-explanatory, and boy can I relate.  But if I hadn't ever gotten married, and if I hadn't stayed, I wouldn't have my wonderful children . . . and I wouldn't trade them for the world!

To Share, Or Not to Share (sonnet)

To share or not to share, that's the question,
And if I do, the question is, how much?
I sure could use a few good suggestions
On knowing who it is that I can trust.
I know that in the past I've sometimes shared
More info than I should have, probably.
I've opened up my soul and left it bared,
Wide open for all of the world to see.
What happened to letting sleeping dogs lie?
What happened to water under the bridge?
Why can't I let go of the days gone by?
Why do I still care, even just a smidge?
I'm better off keeping things to myself.
There's no use sharing with anyone else.

We're Not Gonna Take It Anymore! (sonnet)

I heard the anger coming through the phone,
I saw the tears start welling in her eyes.
For once she wasn't facing him alone,
With wisdom past her years, she was so wise.
"I have nothing to say to you," then click,
And that was that, she'd simply had enough.
And with some attitude, no less, and lip,
She'd put him in his place for saying "stuff."
I've wondered if my kids could face the world,
With all the garbage that he's put us through.
I proudly thought, "my gosh, now that's my girl."
And in that moment, somehow I just knew:
We've heard his lines too many times before,
And we're not gonna take it anymore!

When Will This Be Over? (Sonnet)

My head shoved in the bookcase like a box,
Him reaming me like crazy from behind,
The banging of the headboard as it rocks,
The screaming pain that makes me lose my mind.
"This is for my kids," I say, and shut up,
I don't want them to awake from their sleep.
The pain, the feelings, they all just got stuffed,
I wish I had the luxury to weep.
When will this be over? When will it end --
The remembering of all that he did?
How did I always force my mind to bend
Around the memories I quickly hid?
God help me, I can't deal with all this pain.
I'm tired of living it over again.

Leave the Past in the Past (sonnet)

Does what happened yesterday really count?
Does what happened years ago matter much?
If they do, then what's the proper amount
To think about the things that were and such?
It is what it is; I can't change it now,
And would I even want to if I could?
I can't go backwards in time anyhow,
And I'm guessing that is probably good.
Today is a new day, a brand new dawn,
A fresh chance to start my whole life anew.
It's kind of exciting, this trip I'm on,
You never can tell what great things I'll do. 
One thing's for sure, the time has come at last,
I'm learning to leave the past in the past.

The One Thing I Still Can't Do (sonnet)

The mean things you say just drive me crazy,
You change your mind one minute to the next.
You say that my memory is hazy,
That somehow all the dots just don't connect.
The funny thing is, I have some pictures
Of things you swear to God you never did --
Sheetrock put up overnight. What is worse --
The fact you lied or the holes that you hid?
I tell myself just to be like a duck
Letting the water roll right off its back,
But somehow I still keep on getting stuck
Having to listen to all of your crap.
I gave up years ago; I forgave you.
Forgetting's the one thing I still can't do.

I Do Not Have the Answers (sonnet)

I do not have the answers for all this,
So many questions left for me to face.
I will not ever get back what I've missed,
I don't know how I'll make it through this place.
Sometimes it feels my prayers bounce off the wall,
I wonder if God even hears me cry.
I sometimes question if He's there at all,
When I can't seem to find a reason why
The things I love the most have been taken.
The darkest night seems even darker still.
My faith has oh so soundly been shaken,
But continue to trust in Him, I will.
I cannot see beyond this awful pain,
But I will praise you, Lord, despite the rain.

Two Whole Hours (sonnet)

For two whole hours, I felt alive again,
Just to see my children smile, laugh and play.
I hadn't laughed like that since who knows when,
But now the melancholy's here to stay.
God, help me, I can't hold on much longer,
Each time I say goodbye, my heart breaks more.
I swear, I don't need to be much stronger,
Are you even watching or keeping score?
I'm trying to hold onto the joy, but
It slips from my hands each time they must go.   
And I'm left wondering exactly what
I will do as the days crawl by so slow.  
God, why can't anybody seem to see
That being without them is killing me?

I Cut the Darn Strings (sonnet)

"Right arm up, left arm down, and now you dance."
With strings, you held me like a marionette.
Controlled by you, I never had a chance.
What you gave me was all that I could get.
I was your puppet, and you my master,
You chose the music, and you chose the speed.
If I got tired, you made me go faster,
Anything to meet your ev'ry lil need.
Now I've found my strength, I cut the darn strings,
And I dance to the tune in my own heart.
I've found the joy that only freedom brings,
Even though you almost tore me apart.
I may not be too nimble or graceful,
But I'm strong to the end and I'm faithful.

Through the Cracks (sonnet)

Sometimes you have to find a way to grow,

To bloom where you can find a place to be,

To push your way through from way down below,

To find a way to let yourself be free.

It takes a little bit of stubbornness

To persevere when life is at it's worst,

To let your heart believe in openness,

When all you see is hopelessness at first.

Let hope spring up and chase the dark away,

Let faith begin to nibble at your doubt,

Let life renew itself in you today,

And banish ev'ry evil thought without.

Blossom where you're planted, and come what may

You'll find a way to make it through the day!

All Sorts of "Friends" (sonnet)

I see only Darkness, as I look on;
A fog of Unknown, Unheard, and Unseen.
Pity's potholes fill the road walked upon,
And Hope gets lost so easily between.
Like a frightened child, I look all around
For someone who's willing to be my guide,
Someone to lift my feet up off the ground,
Someone to walk faithfully by my side.
Injustice waves a hand in the cold air
And volunteers to share my lonely path.
Depression tiptoes in out of nowhere,
And Doubt races to me through the high grass.
I'm not alone, I have all sorts of "friends."
It's this blasted journey that never ends.

As Unpredictable as Weather (sonnet)

"Moderation in all things," so they say.
Why can't I seem to ever follow that?
Extremes are my buddies most ev'ry day;
I'm left feeling I've been run over flat.
Why can't I ever find the right balance?
Why do I make things a competition?
Why don't I give myself more of a chance?
I get steam-rolled by my own ambition.
Bigger, faster, and more are not better,
But nothing isn't really all that great.
I'm as unpredictable as weather --
What if this will forever be my fate?
I need to find a way to mellow out,
But I don't understand what that's about.

I'd Rather Be Dead (sonnet)

Take your flowers from the grocery store
And shove them where the sun will never shine.
I won't let you torment me anymore.
I have a new life that's totally mine.
Your attempts to control me are a waste.
Your accusation's nothing but a lie.
You're nothing to me but a bitter taste
Left in my mouth from days long since gone by.
I am determined to be free of you,
Your lies, and all of your insanity.
I wish you'd understand that we are THROUGH
And give up on playing mind games with me.
"We had our moments," that's true what you said.
But go back to you? I'd rather be dead.

I Can't Believe I Let Him in Again (sonnet)

I can't believe I let him in again.
I thought I'd built the walls up high enough.
I haven't felt this bad since God knows when.
Simply hearing his voice, his touch, and stuff.
I only wanted to be with my kids,
To make the day special for them somehow.
I never dreamed I'd be feeling like this,
The nightmares have started all over now.
Just when I think I've fin'lly broken free,
He finds a way to get under my skin.
Why do I let what he says bother me?
Why do I even let his words get in?
God, help me shut out all these memories.
I'm asking you, begging you, won't you please?

If I Can Dare to Dream (sonnet)

If I can dare to dream a dream so small,
Though some might think my goals are somewhat strange,
Some might not think this is a dream at all --
My circumstances to be rearranged.
If I can find a way to just hold on
A little while longer, then I just might
Find a small ledge that I can sit upon
Until I find my way through this dark night.
My prayers are not unanswered, this I know,
My heav'nly Father hears each time I cry.
He'll show me down which path I need to go,
And lead me to a safe place, by and by.
If only I can cling to His strong hand,
Someday He'll lead me to the Promised Land.

Mind over Matter (sonnet)

Take a deep breath and learn to let it go.
I can't change it, so why should I give in?
Inhale deeply and then let it out slow.
I refuse to let frustration begin.
I'll shred up paper and make a collage.
I'll take a hot bath and forget this grief.
I could make do with a decent massage,
My suff'ring is limited by belief.
So I will shake off the shawl of sadness,
And I will put on a garment of praise.
The enemy has failed with this madness,
I am through wasting any more good days.
Mind over matter, and prayer over pain.
I've lost it all, so now it's time to gain.

I'd Rather Get Hit (sonnet)

Well blow me away, the other foot fell,
I knew that the "niceness" would never last.
So we're back to the usual realms of hell,
I should be used to it now from the past.
First came the pain, and then came the flowers.
First came the rape, and then came the excuse.
Days upon more days and hours upon hours
Of senseless, mindless, and pointless abuse.
To be quite honest, I'd rather get hit
Than have my mind always messed with like this.
In fact, I used to beg him to do it,
I'd rather prefer a slug from his fist.
Just when I think peace will finally come,
I realize this madness'll never be done.

Unworthy (sonnet)

I know I don't deserve for You to hear
My prayers, oh Lord, or give a second thought
To my complaining words or raining tears.
Some may say I'm beautiful, but I'm not.
My past is ugly as the sin I've borne,
It comforts not that You are forgiving.
I try to let it go, but still I mourn
For those that died and those that are living.
Is there an end to this eternal ache?
A mother's heart can only take so much
Before it crumbles and begins to break
From all the worrying and stress and such.
Unworthy though I am, I come to You.
Please give me strength so I can make it through.

Winter in My Soul (sonnet)

The flowers say that Spring is on its way,
But it's still Winter deep within my soul.
The sun comes out each warm and sunny day,
But I cannot escape the bitter cold.
I hear "Mom" in a store and turn my head;
It's automatic when I hear that call.
I was coming to life, but now I feel dead,
Without a reason to go on at all.
I wake each morning and must force myself
To get up, to get out, and to go on.
I cannot depend on anyone else;
My faith in humanity's all but gone.
What did I do to deserve all this pain?
I dared to let my feelings show again.

I Pray Someday the Truth Will Be Known (sonnet)

It is the waiting that is killing me,
The not knowing when and how this will end.
I cannot deal with the uncertainty,
With the lies from those who call themselves "friend."
Personal attacks come from ev'ry side,
Mud slinging, bringing up the ancient past.
If I were to show the mem'ries inside,
There'd be enough ammunition to last
For weeks on end. After all that he's done,
I still can't believe they all think he's right.
He's hoodwinked them, each and every one,
And turned this into a big bloody fight.
I pray someday that the truth will be known,
The things he's said and done he'll someday own.

The Apples Do Not Fall Far from the Tree (sonnet)

The apples do not fall far from the tree.
From one generation to another,
If the trunk's rotten, so the fruit shall be,
From the father to every brother.
If anger and lies are all they have seen,
Then hatred and falsehood will still abound,
With manipulation squeezed in between,
And plenty of malice to go around.
The roots of evil run ever so deep,
The spirit of darkness controls their deeds.
Their words betray that their souls are asleep,
They cannot focus on another's needs.
One bad tree that led to four bad branches,
And each has had enough second chances.  

Yo Quiero Justicia (un soneto traducido del Inglés)

Quiero que él sufra al igual que él me hizo sufrir.
Él me puso en el infierno una y otra vez.
Quiero que él llore, al igual que él me hizo llorar.
Él me hizo miedo de ser en mi propio cuerpo.
Quiero que él sangre como un cerdo.
Él arrancó me abren como una bolsa de papel mojado.
Quiero que él grite porque de algo demasiado grande
Metió por el culo, hasta que estalla su cerebro.
Quiero que él se ahoge en un gran pene,
Pidiendo misericordia, pero conseguir ninguno.
Quiero que él mire el reloj,
Orando por el dolor hasta el final.
Quiero que él sea torturado como si él me torturaron,
Acostado en un charco de sangre, vómito, orina y las lágrimas.
Yo quiero que él se rompa en pedazos pequeños, como él me rompió,
Tanto el cuerpo y el alma.
Dios, perdóname por favor por sentirme así,
Pero yo quiero justicia a venir por él algún día.

The Same Deceptive Man (sonnet)

You think I will forget with just a word
Or two from you that come ten years too late.
Your logic and reality's absurd.
I'm not that easy to manipulate.
Go right ahead and tell me that I'm hot,
How beautiful I am, I just don't care.
You tell me that you're sorry, but you're not.
Your words and deeds still say to me: "BEWARE!"
You haven't changed a bit, it's plain to see.
Your web of lies just tangles wider still.
You think that you still have a hold on me.
You don't, and praise the Lord, you never will.
Your alligator tears aren't fooling me.
The same deceptive man you'll always be.

Never Underestimate a Woman (sonnet)

Never underestimate a woman
Who knows her rights and won't give up the fight.
Providing for herself and her children,
She will not rest by day or sleep at night.
She'll call a thousand numbers on the phone.
She'll visit ev'ry office she can find.
She'll pray to God and trust in Him alone
To give her strength and bring her peace of mind.
She'll write a hundred letters if she must,
She won't give up til all are safe and sound.
She'll ask for help, and even learn to trust
If that will mean an answer can be found.
There is no limit to what she can do.
She will survive and fin'lly make it through.

Please, No More (triple sonnet)

Throbbing pain, as I whisper, "Please, no more!"
My silent cries, unheard, fall on deaf ears.
I'm worn out, I'm dried out, I'm torn and sore.
Each throbbing thrust a knife that burns and sears.
I try again, and whisper, "Please be done!"
"You want it in your mouth then, say the word."
Which word must I say? I try to pick one.
But his "logic" is skewed and so absurd.
Gasping for air, I try to find a way
To escape from this hell within a bed,
But  I can't complain, no words I dare say,
Or he'll turn me and go backwards instead.
Oh soul of mine, where have you gone to hide?
How can I find you way down deep inside?

"You're done when I say that you're done," he says.
I shudder and wonder how long this time.
It could be ten minutes, three hours, or less,
There's never really a reason or rhyme.
"You can come again for me now, can't you!"
His words, not a question, but a demand.
"The Lord is my Shepherd . . ." keeps running through
As I brace myself and wait for his hand.
Worse still, I see it coming through the air,
His hand balled up in a hard, tightened fist.
And there is no way that I can prepare
For his slobbery, slimy, cum-filled kiss.
My body has forsaken me at last.
The pain that I should feel just went right past.

"You'll take it all, I know," he says to me.
As if there is some pride he finds in this.
Bigger, deeper, and harder; endlessly.
Until he cannot rise or starts to miss.
I try to shut it out and go away.
"Let's see if this will fit, I bet it will."
My mind throws up a wall and bids it stay,
As I command my body to stay still.
"I cannot do this, Lord," I softly cry.
His hand, his fist inside, is so immense.
Is this my punishment -- for what, and why?
I can't escape the pain, it's too intense.
Awak'ning from the nightmare in a sweat,
Another mem'ry I cannot forget.

Thank you, whoever you are . . .(sonnet)

Almost every day, I see you've been here
To read the awful drivel that I post.
The reason that you read it isn't clear,
I guess it's curiosity at most.
I tell myself that you must really care
To come here and visit day after day. 
I'm sure that you could prob'ly find somewhere
That had more interesting things to say.
But "thank you" to you, whoever you are,
For all your faithful visits to this site.
As you may or may not know, I've come far,
But still have far to go til things are "right."
God bless you for the time you take to come
And see what I've accomplished, what I've done. 

Lord, Wipe Away the Tears (sonnet)

The line to enter Heaven must be long.
The gate to enter in must be so high,
And those who enter must have to be strong,
Not pitiful and weak ones such as I.
The road to get to hell must be so wide,
For many travel on that thoroughfare.
Temptation lurking always on each side,
I can't escape the darkness that is there.
But yonder, there, I see celestial light.
I strive to reach the mansion made for me,
But struggle as I can with all my might,
My eyes are blinded by my misery.
Lord, wipe away the tears I cannot cry,
And help me understand the reason why. 

My Kingdom for a Map (sonnet)

A map, I say, my kingdom for a map
To show me which direction I should go.
A nap, I say, I'd settle for a nap,
I'll ignore what I wish I didn't know.
Some peace, I say, what I'd love is some peace,
A reprieve from the nightmares and terror.
Release, I pray, can't someone find release
From all the mem'ries that are hidden there.
Remorse, I say, why can't he feel remorse
For all the things he's said and done to me.
He must not be human at all, of course,
But a demon who simply cannot see.
Let go, I say, I must learn to let go,
For that is the way to healing, I know. 

I Am as Bright as a Bulb (sonnet)

I am as bright as a bulb that's lit up.
I am as strong as a beam made of steel.
I am as full as an overflowed cup.
I can decide what I will and won't feel.
I hold the keys to the depths of my soul.
I can decide who I choose to let in.
Why do I feel like I'll never be whole?
Why do I balk when it's time to begin?
I know I can face what I've faced before.
I made it through once, I can once again.
What makes me afraid to open the door?
What makes me so scared to even begin?
"No pain, no gain," that's what the experts say.
What box of shame will I unlock today?

Sometimes I Think I Know (sonnet)

Sometimes I think I know who I can trust --
There are a few who have not let me down.
I've learned to ask for help now when I must,
But feel my weakness will be frowned upon.
The nightmares come and go as does my strength.
I wonder just how long I can hold on.
If only I could somehow know the length
Of this, the journey I've embarked upon.
Can someone tell me, will there be an end
To daily fear and flashbacks in between?
Will I begin to learn to make a friend
Upon whose shoulders I could sometimes lean?
I've travelled many roads; but I'm alone,
Still haven't found a place that feels like home. 

Just Get a Grip (sonnet)

The chilling breeze floats in and flips my hair.
The rhythmic beat of music fills my ears.
I deeply take a breath of the fresh air,
And fight to build a dam to stop the tears.
Life is so beautiful, or so they say.
Some days I feel that's true, and some I don't.
Keep thinking there must be a way
To face the pain inside me, but I won't
Explore the darkest shadows deep inside
Behind the walls I've built to keep me safe.
There must have been some reason then to hide,
But now I have to join the human race.
"Just get a grip," I tell my weary self,
"This can't be solved by anybody else."

I Slowly Learn the Rules (sonnet)

I slowly learn the rules to play the game.
Put makeup on my face and comb my hair,
But somehow, still, inside I feel the same --
A frightened child, stuck, who gets nowhere.
Is there some secret key that I don't know
To help me find a way I can fit in?
Is there some special place I need to go,
A starting line from which I must begin?
Is there some language I don't understand,
Some secret code that only others speak?
Am I the only one who must command
The feelings and emotions that I seek?
Am I completely different from the rest?
Is all of life some crazy form of test?

Someday I'll Find a Way (sonnet)

Someday I'll find a way I can express
The feelings for which I don't have a name.
Someday I'll find a way out of this mess,
And prob'ly into one that's just the same.
For who's to say I'll ever find success.
Do I deserve the joy that others find?
Do I deserve a bit of happiness,
Or is pain my lot in life by design?
Did I do something wrong that placed a curse
Upon my life, so I cannot break free?
Did I survive the hell so something worse
Could plague my thoughts and haunt my memory?
Someday I'll find a way, if possible . . .
If only I could conquer my own will.

I Don't Think I Matter (sonnet)

I simply do not ever get angry.
I never let myself get too upset.
I cannot always tell when I am hungry.
I am amazed at how nauseous I get.
My mind and body don't work together.
My body gets ignored most of the time.
Of course cooperation works better,
But I'm at the mercy of my own mind.
"Mind over matter," that's what they all say.
If I don't mind, it won't really matter.
I'm a blip on the radar anyway,
Just static amidst all the chatter.
In the grand scheme of things, I'm rather small.
In fact, I don't think I matter at all.

Never Going Back (acrostic sonnet)

Now is the time for moving far away.
Each step I take, I grow that much stronger.
Virtually nothing my purpose will sway,
Even the fear can hold me no longer.
Reaching out to others for help -- I'm learning,
Growing to see myself as a person.
Only the bridges that need it are burning.
I've now found my strength in a new version.
Now I can see the truth for what it is,
Gone are the shackles with which I was bound,
Believing now that the blame's mostly HIS,
Allowing my soul's beauty to be found.
Commanding my own fate, now it seems;
Keep moving forward toward my dreams.

You Weren't Sorry (acrostic sonnet)

You slammed me up against the bedroom wall
Or pinned me down beneath your heavy weight.
Until I got a clear sense of it all,
When you fed me stories, I simply ate.
Each time you would feign some sort of remorse.
Reacting to your act, I'd just give in.
Even when it was clearly fake, of course,
Nevertheless, I hoped peace could begin.
Today I see your "tears" for what they were,
Sorry excuses, empty emotions,
Overt attempts to control me for sure,
Recycled garbage and false devotion.
Recalling how you hurt me, oh so cold,
Your claims are not just lies, they're getting old.

Life is a Bad Joke (acrostic sonnet)

Love will conquer all, or so they all say,
If only I believe things will turn out.
Faith will finally come and save the day
Each time my world gets turned all inside out.
I wish somehow I could swallow that all,
Sink my teeth into the meat of belief.
All I get are more dead ends and brick walls.
Breaking free still hasn't brought me relief.
Accept the pain, it will make you stronger.
Don't fight the failures, just keep on trying.
Jesus, I can't do this for much longer
Or pieces of my soul will be dying.
Keep wishing it's a dream and I'll awake;
Except it's not, it's just one big mistake.

On the Lighter Side

It can be so frustrating sometimes dealing with family court. It does seenm, literally, like you're "fighting city hall."  So many times the children's needs and wants (and what is, in all likelihood, what is in their best interest) is not taken into consideration at all.  But hey, there's nothing you can do.  You can't fight city hall!

Yeah, well, in the case of my ex, he deserves it.  If I had only saved the evidence or bothered to report things when they happened.  But, oh well . . .

Nice hang time.  I love it.

Allein mit meinen Tränen - Alone in My Tears

Ich kann nicht ohne meine Kinder leben. Ich weiß, sie leiden wird von mir weg. Mein Herz und meine Seele und mein Geist sind gebrochen. Ich habe keine Kraft. Ich fühle mich wie der Herr uns verlassen hat. Vielleicht sollte ich noch nie meinen Mann verlassen haben. Ich hätte lieber mein Mann vergewaltigen mich jede Nacht haben als meine Kinder mir weggenommen. Selbst die schlimmsten Dinge, die er tat und sagte zu mir sind nichts im Vergleich zu dieser Agonie. Eine Mutter lebt für ihre Kinder. Ohne sie mit mir tun, was ich zu leben? Ich bin nicht selbstmordgefährdet. Ich will nicht sterben. Aber das Leben ist nicht lebenswert entweder. Ich will nur meine Babys zurück. Ich habe nichts falsch machen. Ich habe nicht alles tun, um sie zu verletzen oder mich zu verletzen. Alles, was passiert ist, dass ich unter dem Stress der meine Arbeit und mein Leben zerbrach und ich weinte. Und dafür nehmen sie meine Babys weg? Wo ist Gott? Wo ist die Gerechtigkeit? Dieser Alptraum ist fast genug, um mir meinen Glauben zu verlieren. Aber ohne Gott, ich habe nichts. Ohne Gott bin ich nichts. Vielleicht ist die Wahrheit. Ich habe nichts und ich bin nichts. Ich weiß nicht mehr. Ich weiß nur, dass ich in Schmerz, wie ich noch nie schmerzte und ich kann nicht sehen, ein Ende dieser Schmerz. Meine Kinder zu mir weinen, wenn ich sie sehe, aber ich kann nicht zu beheben. Als sie klein waren, konnte ich küsse keine verletzt, dass sie und machen es besser. Jetzt kann ich nicht machen, wenn man besser. Nichts wird mehr so ​​sein. Was soll ich mit mir selbst zu tun? Mein Arzt sagt, ich bin nicht stark genug, um zu arbeiten. Ich arbeitete den ganzen Tag heute als Freiwilliger. Ich war stark genug. Gott, warum Sie bestrafen mich so? Was habe ich nie tun, dass war so schrecklich, dass ich diese Strafe verdient? Bin ich so ein schlechter Mensch, dass ich es nicht verdiene Glück? Was ist mit meinen Kindern? Sie haben nichts zu verdienen, weg von ihrer Mutter übernommen getan. Und doch sind sie schlafen in fremden Betten in einem fremden Ort ohne ihre Mutter dort mit ihnen zu beten und für sie sorgen. Das ist mein Job. Das ist meine einzige Aufgabe. Ich bin ihre Mutter. Was soll ich tun, wenn ich nicht ihre Mutter sein? Ich kann nicht so weitergehen, immer fragen, ob meine Kinder in Ordnung sind, immer fragen, ob sie sicher sind, wenn sie glücklich sind. Sie sagen mir, sie vermissen mich so sehr, und sie sind nicht glücklich weg von mir. Aber die Regierung kümmert sich nicht um, was die Kinder wollen oder was das Beste für sie. Justiz tot ist. Gott ist taub für meine Schreie. Und ich bin allein mit meinen Tränen.

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I cannot live without my children. I know they are suffering being away from me. My heart and my soul and my spirit are broken. I have no strength. I feel like the LORD has abandoned us. Maybe I never should have left my husband. Maybe I should have stayed and taken his abuse. I would rather have my husband rape me every night than have my children taken away from me. Even the worst things that he did and said to me are nothing compared to this agony. A mother lives for her children. Without them with me, what do I have to live for? I am not suicidal. I don't want to die. But life is not worth living either. I just want my babies back. I did not do anything wrong. I did not do anything to hurt them or to hurt myself. I did not even THINK any harmful thoughts. All that happened is that I broke under the stress of my job and my life and I cried. And for this, they take my babies away? Where is God? Where is justice? This nightmare is almost enough to make me lose my faith. But without God, I have nothing. Without God, I AM nothing. Maybe this is the truth. I have nothing and I am nothing. I do not know anymore. I only know that I ache inside as I have never ached before and I cannot see an end to this pain. My children cry to me when I see them, but I cannot fix it. When they were small, I could kiss any hurt that they had and make it better. Now I cannot make anything better. Nothing will ever be the same. What am I supposed to do with myself? My doctor says I am not strong enough to work. But I worked all day today as a volunteer. I was strong enough. God, why do you punish me like this? What did I ever do that was so horrible that I would deserve this punishment? Am I such a bad person that I do not deserve happiness? What about my children? They have done nothing to deserve being taken away from their mother. And yet they sleep in strange beds in a strange place without their mother there to pray with them and care for them. That is my job. That is my only job. I am their mother. What am I supposed to do when I cannot be their mother? I cannot go on like this, always wondering if my children are okay, always wondering if they are safe, if they are happy. They tell me they miss me so much and they are not happy away from me. But the government does not care about what the children want or what is best for them. Justice is dead. God is deaf to my cries. And I am alone with my tears.

I Do Not Know - Ich weiß nicht

To keep myself busy, I have been studying German.  So I wrote some poetry in German.  It's entitled: "I do not know."

Oh mein Gott, meine Hand halten. Ich bin schwach. Ich kann es nicht ertragen. All meine Kraft Hat davongeflogen. Wo bist du, Oh mein Gott? Sie sind versteckt von mir? Sie sind böse auf mich? Ich weiß, dass ich einige schlechte Entscheidungen getroffen In meinem kurzen Leben, Aber bitte nicht zu bestrafen, meine Kinder für diese. Halte mich, Himmlischer Vater, Halt mich jetzt wie nie zuvor. Ich weiß nicht, wo Du nimmst mir. Ich weiß nicht, welchen Weg zu gehen auf. Ich weiß nicht, welchen Weg sich zu drehen. Ich weiß nicht, welche Stimme zu vertrauen. Aber ich weiß, dass Sie sicher sind Vertrauen, Mein Vater im Himmel. Ich weiß einfach nicht, was du tust. Ich weiß nicht, warum muss ich diese Schmerzen leiden. Rette mich, Vater, rette mich aus dieser Agonie. Ich weiß nicht, was jetzt passierst.

Oh my God, hold my hand. I am weak. I cannot stand. All of my strength Has flown away. Where are you, Oh my God? Are you hiding from me? Are you angry with me? I know that I have made some bad decisions In my short life, But please do not punish my children for this. Hold me, Heavenly Father, Hold me now as never before. I do not know where You are taking me. I do not know which road to walk upon. I do not know which way to turn. I do not know which voice to trust. But I do know that You are safe to trust, My Father in Heaven. I simply do not know what You are doing. I do not know why I must suffer this pain. Save me, Father, save me from this agony. I do not know what happens now.

Shell of a Shadow

I feel completely gutted
Like a fish
No air to breathe
No heart to pump
No dreams to wish.

I gave my all
So many times
But I guess it wasn't enough.
What more, Lord,
What more would you have me give?

I have nothing left
Except my mind
My story,
And my tears . . .
I don't know what good
Any of that is to You.

But take it,  take it all.
Anything You've ever asked,
I've given freely,
Asking nothing in return.

But my soul, Lord,
My soul is aching,
And my heart, Lord,
My heart is breaking.

How long, Lord?
How long?
How long must I hold on?
How long must I trust
That You have a plan
When I cannot see one
And I can't understand what You're doing?
Where are You taking me?

I feel so ALONE,
Naked and exposed
To the world.
I've lost EVERYTHING,
Everything but You.
Please, Lord, please stay.
Don't go away too.

I need You now,
More than ever before.
Hold me close and comfort me,
Hold me in your Everlasting Arms
Because I'm ever so lost
Wandering in this wilderness
Of nothingness
Wondering when something
Anything
Will make sense again.

All the tears I've cried,
All the hours in prayer --
Was it all for naught?
It seems so unfair.

Everything that matters to me
Has been taken
Every stone of my foundation
Shaken
And, if it were possible,
My very Faith . . .

Steady me, Father
Don't let me go down
With the ship,
Holding onto the things I hold dear
Make it clear
To me
When I need to hold on,
And when I need to let go.
How I miss them so,
My babies . . .
Why did You let them
Be taken from me?
Please tell me there's some reason
For me to endure this season,
Because right now I'm at the end
Of what little strength I once had.
If you needed me broken,
I am.
If you need me to follow,
I can.
But where should I go
From here?
The directions are so unclear. 

So I wake up and put one foot
In front of the other,
I blindly follow You, Lord,
In faith,
For I have none other. 

I don't know where you're leading me.
And I don't know why you've chosen this path
For my life. 
I don't understand why the need for such agony
And pain. 
They say lovely flowers can't grow
Without rain,
But I'm not a flower.
I'm not even lovely.
I'm just a broken
Shell of a shadow of a soul
Hoping one day,
Hoping someday
Once again
To be whole.

Only This Moment

Tonight this song came back to me that the Gaithers used to sing called: "We Have This Moment." You don't realize how much you take a simple thing like tucking your children into bed and kissing them goodnight means until you're not able to.

I looked on youtube and there is one video of the song (audio's not great), but embedding in another page is not allowed. But if you wish to hear it, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgzjPfPyiZs


We Have This Moment
by Bill and Gloria Gaither

Verse 1
Hold tight to the sound of the music of living
Happy sounds from the laughter of children at play
Hold my hand as we walk through the sweet fragrant meadows
Making memories of what was today

(Chorus)
We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Verse 2
Tiny voice that I hear is my little girl calling
For daddy to hear just what she has to say
My little boy running there by the hillside
May never be quite like today

(Chorus)
We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Verse 3
Tender words gentle touch and a good cup of coffee
And someone who loves me and wants me to stay
Hold them dear while they’re near don’t wait for tomorrow
To look back and wish for today

(Chorus)
We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Verse 4
Take the blue of the sky and green of the forest
And the gold and brown of the freshly mown hay
Add the pales shades of spring and the circus of autumn
And review a lovely today

(Chorus)
We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come
But we have this moment, today

Tag:
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment, today

Thank the Lord

May I be forgiven for paraphrasing the above section of scripture to offer my thanks to those precious friends and family members who have bailed me out of a financial "hole" yet again:

How I thank the LORD again for your hugs, prayers, and financial support. I know you have always been concerned for me, but you didn't always have the opportunity or the wherewithal to help me.  Sometimes I didn't ask for help.  Not that I have ever been in REAL need (as in starving to death), for I am learning to be content with whatever the LORD provides for me.  I know how to live on next to nothing.  I think I know what it would be like to be blessed with everything. Although I can't say I've personally experienced financial wealth, I do know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally and consider that to be of far greater value.  I am learning that the secret to surviving in any situation, whether with or without assistance, is to always rely on the LORD for my strength.  For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.  Even so, I am deeply grateful for the financial support, hugs, and prayers that you have shared with me in my present difficulties.  As you may or may not know, some of you are the only ones who have consistently supported me through all of this.  You stood by me when nobody else did.  You have come to my rescue more than once.  I'm not just saying this because I hope you'll help me again in the future if I need it.  Rather, my prayer is that the LORD will richly reward you for what you have already done to help me.  At the present time, I have what I need -- and a bit more (which I have stashed away for the next emergency).  The gifts of kindness that you sent, whether in person, through the mail, or electronically could not have come at a more opportune time.  And this same God who has used you to help take care of me will surely supply all of YOUR needs according to His abundant resources, which we have been made heirs to because of Jesus Christ.


God bless you all!

Can't Even Pay Attention

Ever been so broke you can't even pay attention?

That would be my bank.  By the time they pay for the paper and ink to print out my monthly statements and the postage to mail it to me, it probably costs them money to have me as a customer.

Overdrawn . . . too bad that doesn't mean I doodled too much.  Yeah, and rolling pennies?  Not going to help either.

*I KNOW* let's just do like the US Government does and PRINT MORE MONEY!!!  Too bad I don't have any connections at the US Mint . . . oh, wait, that's right, I forgot . . . I don't have any "connections" anywhere . . .

I'll have a couple thousand with an order of hundreds on the side, please!

Stretch marks?  My budget has so many holes in it that it looks like it got shot with a shotgun!

Now there's the million dollar question . . . .

The Truth About Rape

It  doesn't  matter whether you're in your suburban bedroom or in the Congo.   Rape is rape.  Mutilation is mutilation.  Torture is torture. Being choked to unconsciousness feels the same no matter what side of the globe you're on.  Rape is the scraping of your soul via the stealing of your body.  Death is preferable. 

Soldiers have known for centuries that rape is cheaper than bullets.  How do you reduce a society to a cowering mass of robotic slaves? Rape them at will -- rape without thought.  Rape their men, women, and children.  Better yet, rape them then burn them alive and leave them for their family to see.  War is an ugly thing, and it always has been.  This is nothing new. 

What enrages me is that people are somewhat aware of the atrocities of war around the world, but seem unaware that a similar war is going on right within our own country.  Women are being transported to new locations against their will and forced into sexual slavery, with no hope of escape -- especially once they have children.  This is supposed to be America -- land of the free, home of the brave.  Free, we are not.  Brave, we try to be.

I cannot go "home."  I cannot care for or nurture my children.  I cannot prove the atrocities that were committed against me, nor do I have any particular desire to do so.  What do I want?  I want freedom for my sisters around the world, both here in the United States and abroad. 

In every country there are "forgotten people."  These are the hurting  people that you and I walk past every day without knowing what kind of hell they are going through at home.  I refuse to walk past them anymore.  I refuse to ignore the plight of the hurting.  I have no resources.  I cannot even save myself.  At this point, I cannot even tell my story. 

But the day will come, my sisters and brothers, when our stories will be heard.  The day will come when justice will be served.  It may not be this side of heaven, but some day these demons will pay for what they have done.